So, today was one of those days that if I weren't a mom, I would have called in sick to work and just stayed in bed all day. BUT, I am a mom. I fell short in a number of ways, but I really did try to push through my circumstances and engage as a mom today.
The kids woke me up and even though I laid there on the verge of tears about not wanting to face the day, I knew that my love for my kids needed to surpass my hatred for myself.
Titus and Skylyn really wanted pancakes. I had made Aaris some sugar free pancakes at the beginning of the week so the other two were chomping at the bits for some, too. I had promised them some soon and we even bought the mix the day before. So, I did it. Once again, being productive was not coming naturally, but I tried to push through.
They were asking me to go swimming by this point, and there was just absolutely NO way I was going to do that. See, if I eat food that my body doesn't process well, I swell up all over and become weak and sluggish. None of those circumstances equate to putting on a swimming suit and running after two non-swimmers. So, I did say that we could go to the park before it got too hot and before we needed to swing by the grocery store again. They were very excited which made me happy.
Surprise, we were the only ones at the park, but actually it was quite breezy and the kids played mainly in the shaded part and we were all very comfortable. The hardest part was that they really wanted me to play with them more, but physically I just couldn't keep up with them. I did just let the breeze turn the pages in my Bible and read just a bit. My first reading was from Matthew 6:19 (Treasures in Heaven) (Do Not Worry) (Judging Others) (Ask, Seek, Knock) (The Narrow and Wide Gates) - Matthew 7:14. Boy did God just confront me dead on!!!!!!!! The second reading was Exodus 19 - 20. The verse that struck me was the one I already had underlined: Exodus 19:4 "You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself." Again, I truly think God, in His own way, was gently taking my face in his hands and turning my eyes to look straight into His and tell me, "Hey, I'm here, and in-fact, I'm the one that carried you here."
The grocery store was almost unbearable. I mean, really, it's like sending an alcoholic into a bar to buy drinks for everyone else but telling him he's not allowed to buy any for himself!! I wanted to buy every little thing that seemed yummy and screw this whole thing and eat it. So, you can imagine that by the time that we got home lunch wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I fixed the kids lunch and then came and sat in my office to work. After the kids came in and said they were done I put Skylyn to bed and continued to work. Aaris and Titus went to have their hour of reading/quiet time as well. I still worked. When their time was up they came in and I let them play Wii. I was spent on working and still not having reached my goals of accomplishments. Frustrated, I went and sat in bed and turned on a movie. It was time for Skylyn to wake up, but oh, I wished it weren't. I wanted to just curl up, go to sleep, and not face more of this day. God, did give me about a 10-15 minute break and then I heard Skylyn on the monitor. I got her, grabbed her some blueberries, and brought her to bed with me. We stayed there for about 10 minutes then wanted to see what her brother and sister were doing.
This is when another pushing through moment needed to happen. I needed to keep the kids on some type of schedule. Plus, I needed to stimulate them somehow and be a part of it. So, I turned off the Wii and they all went for a snack. I finished putting the groceries away.
At lunch, while I was getting their food together I had them work from appropriate workbooks and Skylyn just colored with a dry erase board. So, after snack we worked on more of those pages. Aaris and I actually worked on math flash cards (math is not her forte). Aaris and I usually don't do well together when I'm placed in any type of 'teacher' role. I am just not patient with her tantrums and giving-up attitude (hits too close to home for me) and she doesn't like me challenging her mind. This usually leads to yelling and tears. For the most part, I kept my cool through some of her 'episodes' and in the end we both pushed through and were all happy and encouraged.
The rest of the evening had to do with working on more educational activity organization while watching a movie with everyone and preserving and finally finishing my project. I even picked up another project afterwards that I have been trying to complete for quite some time (still didn't finish, though). It was my night with the other two, and as almost always happens with Aaris and I, we had frustration that led to deep, soulful talking and working it out, that led to a deepening of our relationship or her relationship to God and to herself. Pushing through bedtime with them is always an accomplishment because usually they are starting to goof off by then, we have a ton of things in their routine to get through, and I'm tired and just want to have them in bed and start my break for the evening.
Eating. Well, with how I felt from the consequences of yesterday, I was fighting two urges. The first was to go and eat whatever I wanted because, heck, I already felt horrible. The second was to fast and just not eat. I found a place I could feel okay about. I ate throughout the day on watermelons. My hands don't feel as swollen and I really hope that when I wake up tomorrow my body will be closer to normal than to this distressed state.
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