Notes of Victory - Sunday, August 29

Sent out my email slideshow and was so excited to hear what my family thought of the pictures throughout the day.

Forced myself to go to church since I was so tired.  I had greeter duty and needed to fill the commitment, but I knew that God had provided me with this photography endeavor, so I needed to show him love and respect back.

Was late to class but go there in time to hear one of the most amazing testimonies I had ever heard.  I woman I know, look up to, and deeply love spoke of how she had been sexually abused as a child but never let that stop her from turning to God.  In fact she new as a young child (at least Aaris' age) that God was the only way she was going to survive this.  She spoke of how she turned to God over and over and over again even when it didn't make since for her to trust him so since she had never been shown his love by her family.  I could just see how God had a special calling for her from the beginning and the woman was suppose to be a leader for his earthly warriors. 

I do have to admit that I got a little depressed thinking about how I wish I had walked such a straight and clear and confident path with God.

Here are some notes I took from her class on being a leader:

1.  Only servant leadership is true leadership.  You must be willing to be last.

2.  You're always listening.  You're always questioning and testing what your hear to know and trust that what you are doing is God's will.

3.  Refuse to compete!!!  Stop being jealous.  Start thinking the best of each other.  You want everyone to look better than they are BECAUSE that is how God sees them.  (Speak to the RESURRECTED person, not the flawed person.)

4.  Dedicate yourself to sharing 'The Journey'

As a wife you need to reflect the resurrected man that your husband that he is, and he will grow into that resurrected person.

5.  Understand that you are going to be misunderstood.

Mark 10:45

Phil. 2:5

God is working through you WHERE you ARE..no matter what place that is (in pain, hurt, victorious, loneliness, failure, etc.)

Did get highly flattered by a lady I have admired and thought to be just lovely and beautiful inside and out by her asking to take pictures of my hair because she liked it so much she was debating on getting her hair cut the same way.

Aaron told me about the idea of "TAKING IT TO THE CROSS"  that he had heard about in class in how couples should speak to each other over disagreements.

Had lunch with another couple that we admire and have been there for us, but who also seem so above us in statue.  All I remember is that I walked away from that lunch still hungry, but a hunger that had nothing to do with food.

Had a sad afternoon because no one from my family (Aaron's side or mine) wrote me back about the pictures.  My primary love language is 'words of affirmation' so I definitely wasn't feeling loved or affirmed as a person of talent in photography.  When no one says anything, I just figure they are following the old rule of thumb, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Alright, Here I Go - Saturday, August 27

Got up just in time to get my stuff and out the door to my first photo shoot.  I have no real clue about what to expect, but here I go anyway. 

Got a little bit of a rough start because I hadn't calmed down and felt a little flustered.  But, then I really feel like I got my groove.  I was seeing shots I could take all over the place, but trying to remember all of the things I needed to do technically with my camera was stopping me in my tracks at times.  The girls were just precious and I was so happy that they just completely let loose and became themselves at the end and provided me with some fabulous pictures.

There was one point when my stomach just fell.  It was at the end of the shoot and I looked on my LCD screen and saw an overexposed and washed out picture.  I realized that I had a WB setting on my camera set incorrectly.  Oh, no, did this mean that I had messed up all of the pictures until this point?  What was I to do?

Got home and was anxious to see how the pictures came out when downloaded on my computer.  I sat down and realized that my fears were confirmed.  I had lost a ton of pictures to the incorrect WB setting!  I was sick.  Seriously, I felt sick to my stomach.

I had to force myself to go to other committed activities that day (lunch with Aaron's parents and a birthday party for one of Aaris' friends) because all I wanted to do was stay home and photoshop pictures.  The only thing good that came out of these commitments was that I got a beautiful upper elementary girl to confirmed to pose for me soon...and her mom, too, who was in need of some new head shots for her website.  

I did stay up late into the night editing the pictures.  I really just wanted to get done with them.  I was even able to salvage some of the overexposed pictures into some beautiful black and white artistic type of pictures.

I prepared a slideshow to email to all of my family the next morning to see what they thought.

The one HUGE thing to note about the day is this:  I had NO interest in food!  I had to FORCE myself to eat, and it wasn't very much.

"Like My Mother Does" - August 26

When I turned the t.v. on to walk this morning it turned on to CMT music videos.  I hadn't seen any of these before and the songs were enticing.  First I caught the end of Taylor Swift's song "Mean".  Next was a song by a young boy, Hunter Hays, named "Storm Warning" that just blew me away.  The lyrics were smart, but what was amazing was that they boy played every instrument himself in the song and video (guitar, electrical guitar, banjo, piano, and drums) plus the boy had some amazing pipes and charming looks.  Now, I too could have those abilities if I decided to plug into the power God has inside of me.  Then, a song came on in which Kelly Clarkson sang and it was cool to see her being so successful after following her dreams so many years ago on 'American Idle'.  Again, I could follow my dreams like that as well.  Then came Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood with "Remind Me" which inspired me to love on my husband more. 

Finally there came a song that that hit me like a ton of brick.  It was "Like My Mother Does" by Lauren Alaina.  The girl talks about all the things she has or does that are just like her mother does.  It made me wonder what my kids will say they do or don't want to do because of what I do.  It struck me hard that my 'doings' better start being something that I want my kids to repeat!  And, even more striking is that I don't have many years to make these impact on their lives!

I then watched the end of a show I had been watching for the past couple of mornings.  It was a show asking Kate Gosling (from Jon and Kate Plus Eight) tough questions.  Oh, I hated seeing character traits, or maybe more like attitudes, of mine that where like her.  YUCK!  Oh, please let me take out the harshness, not happy unless it's my way, bothered by everyone, and never content unless it perfectly about me attitude out of my speech and mannerisms and outlook!  Think less Kate Gosling more Michelle Duggar.  :)

My bible reading went well also.  I was moved to open up to Philippians 2:16 - 4:23.  I was struck by many things.  I really like Philippians 4: 11 - 13:

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who give me strength." 

Content - a place I have not really been in a good way

Philippians 3:12 - 14 calls to me:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I h press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Oh, something that has always haunted me... my past.  How to leave it behind and only strain against that natural backwards pull so that I can move forward.

Philippians 3: 19

"Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame.  Their mind is on earthly things."

I'm tired of my legacy being that of shame.  I'm tired of trying to find my fulfillment on earthly things and my focus being on pleasing my own fleshly/human desires.

But, the one verse that just jumped off the page and actually made my mind and soul tremble was Philippians 3:16:

"Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

From this verse, this is a post I entered on Facebook:

"Only let us live us to what we have already attained." Phil. 3:16 What we have already attained: being heirs of our God, & siblings of our Christ. Why do we shrink back in doubt, fear, & past mistakes? Why don't we live up to the greatness God knows & has for our lives? We can have unconditional love for others full of forgiveness & free of envy. We can have love & confidence in who we are & what we desire to accomplish b/c God's power is always in us. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE UP TO TODAY? 

I keep getting this reoccurring theme that I'm supposed to be living up to the higher standard God has designed me for.  He did design me and fill me with his Spirit, so who am I to tell Him that the ideal of who and what I dream to be are too hard for me...and thus for Him?!?!

Well, spent the morning basically looking up songs that inspired and stirred my spirit.  That did mean that I ended up turning the kids away when they wanted to be and play with me.  Oh, I have a long ways to go!  I did get moved by some things I read like my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 ministries which today was titled "What Do I Have to be Angry About?"  It just hit the nail on the head for how I've been acting and feeling.  I also got led by the article to read Lysa Terkeurst's blog.  Wow how God blessed her with beautiful perspective and writing.  I had to write down some of her thoughts because they impacted me so strongly.

One such things was when she just posted about how all of her sentimental, irreplaceable jewelry had been stolen.  And, instead of screaming, crying, getting angry and falling apart she instead sat down and immediately starting thinking about all of the things she does still have that are blessings.  And this was her thinking behind it:

"But sometimes refusing the pull to come unglued is the only way to prove to ourselves it is possible to have a different kind of reaction.  So, I willed those other painful lists aside.  After all, I'd already had enough taken from me in that moment.  I didn't need to freely hand over my heart as well."

Motivating - another thing I would have always thought was an unachievable response for myself, but now I believe I could achieve if I truly desired to.

For lunch I was going to go and buy those vegetable chips.  I figured with all I have to do in the next two days it was the only way I was going to be able to make it though.  But, once again, God detoured me.  The store didn't have them and the kids and I really didn't have the time or patience to make it to another store.  So, instead I bought some delicious asparagus that was on sale and some already cooked ribs and had a good lunch.

I put the kids down for naps (Titus was in trouble for being disrespectful of everything he was told or asked to do).  I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on this blog.  This journey is too important to not document every tiny step in the right direction or even wrong direction which I can learn from.  Not to mention that I feel like all of this is for a greater purpose than I can fathom and it's important for me to have everything in writing.

As I as finishing up my a post it was the time Aaris got released from school.  I said a prayer for her.  She had told me this morning that she didn't even want me to show up because she wanted to ride home on her bike all by herself.  Well, as the time came and went for when I thought she should be home I had an urge to go drive and find her, but I concluded that I shouldn't so that I could show her that I completely trusted her.  Well, about that time the phone rang.  It was the school.  They asked if I was coming to pick up Aaris.  I told them no because she had told me not to.  They were fine with that and said they would send her on her way.  Edited my post a little bit more and went out just in time to catch her walking her bike up the sidewalk to the backyard gate.  She was singing about how hot it was and how she was happy to be home.  You know, I should sing about my stresses and discomforts more which makes them seem more lighthearted.  That girl teaches me something new all the time.  

Oh, was she so proud of herself for being big enough and capable enough to ride home by herself.  I was, too.  I then really wanted to go lay down, but instead I got myself ready to go to a birthday party with Aaris that she was invited to.  

When we got to the party I realized that almost everyone was dropping their kid off and leaving.  I did stick around and visit for about and hour and then I headed to the grocery store for those darn vegetable chips.  I bought 4 bags of them.  I was going to just sneak around to the back of the house to avoid having to see the kids, but realized when I got home that they were gone with Aaron to his parents.  That allowed me to devour a whole bag and half of vegetable chips!  Oh, was I mad at myself.  I MUST return the other two bags.  I can't keep running to them.

At this point a state of depression was starting to kick in.  I came home and distracted myself by looking up western boots on Craigslist I'd like to by.  For Aaris' bedtime I didn't do her memory verses or bible reading because I didn't want to leave my chair or current focus.  

I did start looking up possible poses for the family I'm going to be doing a free photo shoot of tomorrow morning.  That got me being productive.  I then headed to the kitchen with all intentions of leaving it a mess and heading to bed, but again, something (my in-laws dropping the kids off tomorrow) got me motivated to not put off until tomorrow what needed to be done today.  That led me to the conclusion that if I were going to do justice to the revelations I had today, I was going to need to blog.  So, here I am.  I'm not as depressed and that feels good.

Oh, and then I was suddenly told of a huge gift right before Aaron went to bed.  He had told me that his father would pay for someone to come and paint the girl's room if I would spend that time with him just talking and getting to know each other better.  SURE!  It's crazy because all I could think about during my kitchen clean up was how hard it was going to be to paint that room all by myself tomorrow and how I wish I knew someone I could trust to paint it for me.  God is so surprising and thoughtful!

Oh, and with these music videos and photography I've studies today I have been motivated to achieve these higher standards I have decided to rise to this year.  I received a vintage wedding dress from my mother for my birthday.  She is helping to restore it.  I now dream of wearing that dress as a symbol of presenting myself to God and Christ as a new creation and bride to them next year.  It is my aspiration to then get pictures taken of me in that dress and have it framed to celebrate the new creation I have become and how I can now can be in a two-way productive and devoted love relationship with my God.  I want to see me as he sees me.

August 25

Woke up, but used more snoozes than normal.  Walked, prayed and read.  God had me open up to Genesis 18:28 - Genesis 20:13.  This is where Abraham asked God about sparing the lives of Lot and his family finding out that the Lord plans on destroying Sodom where Lot lived (and Gomorrah).  It talks about how the angels came to rescue Lot and his family.  They did barely get saved but were instructed to not look back or they would die.  Lot's wife did look back and turned into a pillar of salt.  It then talks about how Lot's daughters sinned not trusting that there would be any other way to have children.  It also talked of how Abraham and Sarah brought strife to Abimelech because they told him they were brother and sister instead of husband and life.  And finally all of that led to God blessing Abraham and Sarah with a baby even though Abraham was 100 yr. old.

So, what do I take from that.  DON'T look back.  Keep trusting God and pressing forward instead of wondering about or thinking about what was lost or left behind.  Also, trust God to bring great things into my life...and remember that it will be during HIS perfect timing, not my wishful thinking.

Productive.  That is what I was all morning.  We hit 9 places from Round Rock all the way down to Westlake in 4 hours.  I only stopped to grab a bag of Snapea chips from Natural Grocers to eat on for lunch.  Again, I only wish I put this much time into interacting and playing with them.

Homework went a little better.  I found myself getting very frustrated with Aaris' pace, so I came up with a solution.  I left her to do the homework and answer the questions herself and at her own pace.  I went and cleaned the bathroom counter tops and mirrors.  Then, I came back and helped her to correct any misspelled words.  Oh, it was so much better.  I believe that I will make her do her homework by herself from now on and I can just look over it afterwords!

Last night Aaron took the kids to eat so that I could get ready for my photography mentor to come over and work with me.  I thought that I would quickly run to the store to buy a bag of vegetable chips.  But, as I drove into the parking lot I decided that wasn't the best choice, turned around, and went back home.  I made a batch of sweet potato fries instead.  I was so proud that God helped me detour from a food addiction I've formed with these chips.

I had a good session with my mentor.  It wasn't at all what I had planned.  I truly thought that he was going to come over and just start showing me how to use all the best features of photoshop.  Instead he showed me how to look up lessons/tutorials about photoshop and my camera on Youtube.  He talked to me about equipment.  But most of all, he encouraged me. 

Ever since I received an email from a photographer friend I have been doubting my ability to be successful without investing in the thousands upon thousands of dollars she has invested.  It was like God just placed this on the heart of my mentor.  At one point he actually turned my face towards him and told me he had something very important to tell me.  He asked if I was listening because he was going to tell me this several times:  "You have everything you already need to make beautiful pictures."  He told me that if I learn to use my camera to the best of it's ability and I learn to use photoshop elements to the best of its ability, I won't need any different equipment.  I actually started to tear up.  What a great relief that was.  God new I needed to have confidence.  And, the best part about the whole evening was that I felt like it solidified this as a career path I should be following.  God just seems to be opening up doors for me and reassuring me.

August 24 - Facing the Life of Light

Was able to get up in time to walk and read again.  As soon as my walk was over I just went and flung my Bible open and it landed on the pages when God was angry with Moses and told him that we would not be entering the promised land.  This made me sad.  I decided that I needed to talk to God in prayer first before I just fling my Bible open again.  I need to ask him to direct my reading.  He then had me open up to Ezekiel 37.  I was reminded of how God raised dry scattered bones up into breathing, soul filled flesh.  He then tells them that he will not allow them to backslide into their sins.  Most importantly he tells them that "they will be my people, and I will be their God."  Oh, I felt strong and hopeful again.

The hardest part of the morning is picking up Aaris' pace.  God bless her that she is a laid back kid and that she is rarely in a hurry.  I wish I had more of that in me.  But still, there are times that you have to fulfil a commitment or you have others counting on you when you have to get things done in a certain time.  That is what Aaris is not grasping.  I'm trying MY BEST to help her see or think about all the things she could be doing to get completely ready and out of the house on time.  I find her sitting around, standing around, playing, or just doodling with things.  In the calmest and most non-frustrated tone I can muster, I try to remind her to think about what she can be doing: getting her lunch box together, cleaning up her space at the table, washing her hands and brushing her teeth, and on and on.  Yet, I'm sure it still comes across as nagging to her.  I predict that this is going to be a bit of a battle.

We then headed out for some errands again.  We went to Sprouts, and then headed straight for the Honda dealership.  We had a misunderstanding the last time I was there.  I needed a master key made, but instead just got the remote entry duplicated.  I really think it was my fault.  Well, I had been dreading heading back over there to just sit around and wait for a key to be made.  This morning when I drove up there were about 10 car ahead of me.  Oh, man!  So, I parked my car and just talked to someone about my situation and wondering if I was going to have to wait hours behind all of these cars to have keys made.  They were gracious (I'm sure with the nudging of God) and moved me to the front.  It still took about 45 minutes.  But, again by the grace of God, they didn't charge me labor.  Thank you God.

This had me leaving late to meet up with a person from Craigslist.  When I finally got to our destination she pulled out her vintage folding chair.  Oh, I was heartbroken because it was ripped.  She said she would take money off so I went ahead and bought it.  But, the rest of the day I was mad at myself for not putting my feeling first.  I was too scared of hurting her feelings to say no thank you.  But, I should have.  My bad.

I then took the kids into the Chick-fil-A that we met at so that they could have some kid play time.  It made me feel good to let them have something that was focused on them instead of on my needs.  We did stay long enough that we needed to eat in the car in order to get back for Skylyn's nap.  And, I took one as well.  I set my alarm, but it didn't work.  Only by the compassion of God did he wake me up just in time to dash up to the school before it was super late.  Aaris did once again ride home by herself (while we stayed close by in the van.)

The kids were playing crazy while I cooked and they ended up breaking the toy chest.  I flipped.  I was so angry.  The first thought that ran through my head was, "I was going to sell that soon and get us some extra cash, now they've just thrown away a financial opportunity...how dare they."  Don't think this should be my thinking, but it has been for so long because of all of our financial downfalls with doctors and hospitals that it's hard to turn off.  Plus, I think it's just heightened right now because of the money I'm spending to get the girls' room done and get my photography business ready to go.  I ended up just storming out of the room before I went crazy mad in front of them.  After I had calmed and Aaron was trying to fix the toy box I decided to make a good parenting move...I hope.  I don't want them to not feel any consequences for the poor choices they knowing make, so I came up with a plan.  As much time as it takes Aaron or I to fix something or a situation that they caused due to being careless, they will also have to sit out that same amount of time.  So, I had all of the kids sit down against the wall in the room and watch their Daddy have to use his time to fix the toy box.

Aaris had even more homework tonight and it involved a lot of writing.  This is not Aaris' strong suit at this time.  She can read amazingly well and above grade level, but she doesn't remember how anything is spelt.  Therefore it is like pulling teeth to get her to spell something.  Plus, add in the fact that she drags her feet the whole time because she doesn't enjoy writing and once again it causes a very frustrating situation.  I ended up yelling at her.  She started crying and said I scared her.  Oh, the deepest part of my soul just sunk even though the upper emotionally unstable side was still just frustrated and felt like I had to do something to shake her up and get her moving.  It's OBVIOUS that we both REALLY need a lot of improvement in this area!  Please, please dear God help us find a peaceful place inside each of use when faced with the daily homework.

Titus went to gymnastics this evening and also did amazingly well from Aaron's report.  Aaris, Skylyn and I stayed home.  After getting Skylyn to bed Aaris read her 20 minutes to me while I worked on the computer.  She then got to have her 'big kid priviledge' for having good behavior at school and started watching an episode of Extreme Makeover.  She really feels compassion and joy for the families she sees on those shows.

At about 9:45 the power when off at our house.  Some transformer has blown.  I was very frustrated because I was knee deep in cleaning up my office.  I really wanted to have it cleaned out and organized before my photography mentor was here the next night.  I worked by flashlight as much as possible.  I did end up going to bed just in time for the power to come back on.  I needed to drink my healing tea now that I could heat up the water and that just led to me staying up too late. 

There is something that happens in the evenings with me.  There is something about the solitude of the darkness that entices me.  I like not having any obvious obligations visible.  I like having no one to answer to and no one to rely on me.  But, that is not a healthy place for me to find rest.  I need to find rest in God.  I need to not hide all day to only emerge in the darkness.  Oh, God, this has been a source of coping for me for as long as I can remember.  It's going to take more than what I can muster to change this habit.  Please, please provide me with a strength that only comes from you to pull me out of the darkness and into the life of the light.

August 23 - First Day of New Routine

Okay, so 5:30 AM came awfully early.  But, I was ready to make sure it was a good first day.  I walked and showered and got ready for the day before getting the kids up.  Once they were up it was crazy.  Getting everyone dressed, fed, hair-duos done, lunches made, and pictures taken is a lot to squeeze in.

I do feel terrible about making Aaris cry her first day.  I wanted to blow dry her hair straight, but she had a ton of tangles.  I had no time to waste and therefore didn't take the time to be gentle.  I yanked and she cried.  I told her that all of this was putting us way behind in schedule.  She cried even more thinking that my statement meant we would run out of time to be able to take pictures.  I reassured her and we ended on a happier note.

We have always ridden to school on our first day, but not this time.  We were running too late.  It ends up that we were still one of the first ones in her class.  It feels weird that she is now on the big kids side of the building.  She was great and such trooper while her mama took pictures in order to some day document everything. 

Okay, so after we got back home I went into productivity mode!!!  I tackled the kitchen.  I needed tackling because it was wild, unruly, charging full speed into a complete disaster, un-occupy-able place to be.  It felt good to have it all clean!!!!

As I was cleaning up I started to put Aaris' leftover pancakes from her plate away.  For some reason she wasn't hungry and only took a few bites.  As I was putting the remaining amount away I decided that it would be okay to take a bite.  Well, it was so delightful that I decided to just emptying the little tupperware bowl.  Boy was it good!!!  And, it was really only about 1 1/2 small pancakes.  Part of me enjoyed just being able to put food into my mouth spontaneously and without having to wonder how it was cooked and if it had sugar in it.

We then headed out for some errands.  We went to the grocery store, the bank, and the pharmacy.  When we came home it was time to feed the kids and get Skylyn to nap.  I had purchased 3 bags of vegetable chips.  Well, I ended up eating a bag for lunch.  I then got to work on making Aaris the cookies she requested as a treat after school: peanut butter cookies and sugar cookies.  I got one batch together before we left.  We had to drive because we were late.  But, I think that has led to a good realization.  Aaris can ride home by herself.  So, all this week we will be working on weaning her from having us there after school.

The homework started the first night.  She has to read 20 minutes to us every night.  She read while I cooked.  I think I frustrated her because I made her stop just about every other sentence to correct what she said.  I am just not good with homework.  I am not a good teacher.  I am very impatient and Aaris drags her feet because she doesn't like doing stuff she doesn't choose to do.  Not a good combination.  

While everyone ate, and since I couldn't eat any of it myself, I went and picked up a Craigslist find.  It's a vintage velvet chair that I can use in my bedroom but also use for a picture prop.  I thank God for all the amazing deals He leads me to!

Aaron took the Aaris to gymnastics and said she did very, very well.  She stayed focused.  She worked hard.  She tried to improve.  Aaron even showed me video he had taken and she looked so beautiful, graceful, strong, and confident.  She even got to be the example for one routine.  When she was telling me all about it, she was busting a the seams with excitement.  She has matured so greatly.  Thank you God for providing her with that development even when I have been in a state that has left me unable to do so.

Dear God, please help me know how to be a better teacher when it come to homework.  I don't want the unbearable experience we had every homework night last year. 

Help is Necessary - August 22

Oh, today just went down hill.  Woke up two hours later than I wanted.  Why?  I think it was mainly knowing that today was the last day I would even have an option to sleep in for a long time since school starts back for Aaris in the morning. 

I walked but didn't get in my Bible reading.  Big mistake.  Huge mistake.  Got breakfast fixed and eaten.  Then, I really wanted to leave to run all the errands I wanted to get in for the day.  But, the problem was that I was two hours late.  I was angry and that just escalated more and more all day with the kids!  I just was not happy with them at all, and really for no reason.  It just came down to the fact that in my overwhelmed, depressed point of view they were just in the way of me getting done what I would be happy with for the day.  Terrible.  I hate that I think of them in that way!  And, that makes me even madder.

DRUG the kids around to just the couple of places I wanted to get to.  Had to drop a number of other places though, due to time.  So, after our last stop, it was time for lunch.  Oh, I so didn't want to go home and have to eat the perfect healthy meal.  I was mad, upset, frustrated, and add to that the thought of having to go home to my wreck of a house - all overwhelming.  I wanted a treat.  I wanted something that pleased me when nothing else could.  This is when I would have in the past gone and bought ice-cream (blizzard to be exact), donuts or something else really sugar loaded for lunch to get me revved up to face the ugly of my life.  Oh, but I can't do that now.  URGGG! 

So, I decided to stop and buy some more vegetable chips.  They are definitely the closest thing I have to a treat.  Okay, so I also just wanted to get home so I tried to think of the quickest way home also.  Well, it turns out that led me to the one HEB that doesn't carry vegetable chips.  So, I decided to go the next quickest way I could to another spot I knew carried them.  I just about got there and came up on a wreck that had stopped all flow of traffic from every direction.  So, now even to get home I was going to have to make a huge detour.  Now I was really mad and HAD to get those vegetable chips even though every possible road block had been placed before.  About 40 minutes later I had them was finally back home.  Now, WHY DON'T I GO OUT OF MY WAY THIS MUCH TO BEAT ALL THE OBSTACLES PLACED IN FRONT OF ME WHEN I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH A HEALING GOAL?

So, by this time I got home in time to eat not just one bag of vegetable chips, but almost a whole additional bag.  Oh, and I couldn't move out of my chair.  I found myself incapacitated.  I didn't know how to make the next move in my day.  I didn't know where to begin in a house that needs cleaned top to bottom in every room.  I didn't want to face my kids because every little thing they did set me off in a rage of anger.  I didn't know what to do.

I started trying to think of anyone that could help me.  I looked up "help for hoarders in Austin" on-line because I know I am feeling like I can't let go of anything right now because I can't get rid of it perfectly.  I starting looking up and thinking of childcare for the kids so that I could just spend sun up till sun down working on cleaning out my house and getting rid of stuff.  I then called my therapist.  She talked to me but I was really hoping she would suggest coming over to my house for sessions for awhile because for some reason the idea of leaving my house seems too overwhelming right now, but that didn't seem to be a possibility.  She did suggest I read 1 Corinthians 9 which I will right after this. 

Then, I called my mom.  That is when I came to some big revelations.  My house is a mess right now because it reflects outwardly what I feel like inwardly.  I don't know how to sort through all the junk going on in my head or emotions or physical needs.  I don't know what I should keep and what needs to be through out, or even what needs to be redirected (like recycled).  There is clutter all inside of me.  It messy, glummy, and unhealthy.  That is what my house is becoming.  I don't know how to do all of that stuff outwardly right now as well, so my actions just outwardly express how I inwardly feel as well. 

That's when I decided that I can't sort through all of this hoarding of emotions, feelings, hurts, memories, pain, sadness, guilt, embarrassments, or regrets on my own.  Outside expertise was going to be needed.  Yes, it's one more added expense and that is the very reason I haven't sought counseling help for at least 1/2 a year now.  But, it's more than obvious now that help is necessary.

Didn't want to leave the house, but I did need to make it to my last photography class.  I was depressed about the fear of not comprehending it all like everyone else seemed to.  I even had a mini panic attack on the drive there.  I think it was a combination of fear added to my body not feeling well from binging today and not being feed the best foods over the past couple of meals.  But, I am glad that I went and I feel better.  Even after receiving a hard email from an honest friend in the photography world that made me feel like this avenue for financial support was not possible, I still was able to walk away from the class hopeful.

Found a fun photography prop on Craigslist that can also double as an awesome chair for Titus' new room and was able to talk them down on price and pick it up tonight.  Brought some joy to the end of the day.

Dear God, PLEASE, PLEASE take this anger from me.  I can't put up with it any more and I HATE feeling this angry all of the time. 

August 21

Woke up later than I wanted but still squeezed in a walk, a quick bath, cooking my eggs for breakfast, preparing food and drinks for the rest of the morning, and doing the girl's hair before we left to be on time for church.  

No, I still don't like my hair that much, but I felt like wearing an outfit that felt strong so that I would feel strong walking into church.  The outfit was a pink, sporty dress that I wore with some deep blue fun high heels.  Everyone liked my hair and it made me feel good.

Class was good and I have fallen in love with the hearts of the women in there.  I know that I'm missing out on the relationship building in the class of other parents my age, but that is not what I need to focus on right now.  I need to focus on healing.

We ate with friends at Jason's Deli for lunch which was a nice change from our normal lonely selves.  I had the salad bar with my dressing I brought from home.  The only thing I had different than normal was hummus with my carrots.  Didn't test high for them 4 or so months ago, but knew they were a "free" food for most NRT patients and hoped that it would be true for me at this stage of my recovery.

I got a little intimidated by my friends frankness on an issue I talked to her about, but I was glad to know about her point on view on Aaris as a student (she taught her in the 1st grade Sunday morning Bible class).  Made me know that I really need to talk to Aaris about being a student continuously throughout the year and have frequent check-ins with her teacher on suggestions for changes and habit practices.

Came home and slept.  Didn't necessarily want to because I wanted to get my house clean, but didn't want to face the mess of the house that needed cleaned even more.  Therefore I slept and slept.  When I woke up Aaron was gone to pick up a pizza for him and the kids and they were going to watch a movie.  I decided to eat a bag of vegetable chips and finish catching up on this blog.  I also started (stress the word started) to tackle the mess in the office.  I had a really great idea for what I wanted to get accomplished the next day.  Went to be with hope.

Ended with Hope - August 20

Today, man, it was just a fight!  I woke up and had really wanted to get up earlier and work outside on all of the hedges while Aaron mowed.  Yep, that didn't happen so I already felt like I had wasted a morning.  I took a shower and tried to attempt fixing my hair again.  Two days ago I tried for the first time and it was a disaster!  Well, not much better today.  YUCK!  I can't stand it.  The coloring is terrible and I just can't get it to fall right.  On top of that I had wasted so much time working on it that we were an hour late leaving to go and get Aaris and Titus from my parents. 

When we called them they told us that they wanted to go to ride the glass bottom boat as well at Aquarena Springs.  That was nice.  We got there and had to wait an hour for the ride.  Everyone handled the wait pretty well by taking a short nature walk over a board walk and then looking at the on site aquarium.  I was miserable.  I just didn't want to be out.  I wanted to be hidden under my covers at home eating bags and bags of vegetable chips (the closest thing to a junk food for me).  By the time we got off the boat we needed to eat...I needed to eat.  My parents wanted something yummy and fun, but I had to ask them that we not go those places since we couldn't afford them.  We went to Wendy's because I knew they had some good salads.  It definitely wasn't their choice, but they were kind and went with us instead.  I had a smaller portion of salad knowing I wanted to eat some of the vegetable chips I had brought.  The problem was that when I got to the bag full of chips I didn't want to stop.  The only reason I did was because everyone else was done eating and was getting up to leave. 

All the way home all I could think of was wanting to get in bed, watch a movie and finish the rest of the bag of vegetable chips.  Skylyn was so tired but was confusing that with hunger and was crying for food.  I wouldn't give her any.  As this was happening I was wondering if that was the case for me as well.  So, when we got home we put her to nap and Aaron and I both laid down to nap (about 2:45 PM). 

We received a call not long after we had laid down from an elder's wife at our church inviting us over to their house for games tonight.  I thought it might be nice until I woke up at 5:15 PM.  I just wanted to turn the t.v. on and start eating.  I even turned the t.v. on but hadn't pushed play yet on the VHS player when Aaron walked over and asked if I wanted to go over to the elder's house.  NO.  That was my first thought.  Then, despite my depression something inside of me said, "go."  So, I headed to the kitchen to make me some guacamole and chicken to take to Taco Cabana, where everyone else would eat.  At the restaurant I enjoyed the chicken and guac. mix and I finished the rest of the vegetable chips.  Had some gladness of having waited to eat the vegetable chips when I was truly hungry again instead of earlier just for a binge.

We were greeted with love from this sweet couple that had invited our family over, but I fought back tears and sadness most of the time.  It started when I tried to play go-fish with them and the elder's wife.  I was just getting frustrated with their inability to hold their cards up, looking at each other's cards on purpose, or not wanting to play by the rules because it wasn't letting them win.  Then, I heard the gentleman's and Aaron's conversation which was about photography.  I learned that this elder had been a professor of photography at predominant Universities in our area!  WOW!  I felt a ray of hope shine through.  

What if he would like to mentor me?  What a blessing this would be to learn from him!!  What if he took me on some shoots?  What if he helped me with lighting and my camera settings?  What if he showed me how to use photoshop?  Finally, the big, overall picture question:  What if tonight was all for this?  What if God knew that this could be a great thing for me to be mentored by this great gentleman?  But, what if not?

As the evening went on and I kind of poked around with comments about getting help yet he didn't respond with enthusiasm, I let that last question start to depress me.  What if this wasn't an opportunity meant for me?  Finally, it came up about him helping me and he said he would be okay with that.  Oh, I felt better.  It wasn't the excitement type of offer I was hoping for, but it was an offer.  There was hope for me.  I really felt like maybe this photography career could be a possibility once again.  That gave me hope.

I had a terrible time with the kids the rest of the evening because of them acting every way they knew not to act.  So, the whole way home I made them not be able to say a word or make a sound.  Bedtime was a fight as well because they just don't want to do what we say when we say it.  They want to complain or rebuttal.  I'm not taking it any more.  Does God think this way of me at times?  Does He think, I'm not taking this complaining, whining and rebutting from you any more and give me his own version of time-out or silence discipline?

With the hope of being able to do this photography avenue, I came home and found some cool vintage chair props I could use on Craigslist.  I've written some of them and asked to pay less than what they are asking.  We'll see what they say. 

Trained by it - August 19

Today I had to wake up without my mom's phone call (because she was sleeping late in my guest bedroom).  I walked and read HEBREWS 12 which was VERY encouraging and helped me feel loved and like I could persevere. 

My favorite verse:  HEBREWS 12:11

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I also really liked the rest of the chapter and it spoke to me about all of the ways I'm needed to approach and view and look at what God has planned for my walk with him.  I don't have untouchable mountains between Him and I.  I have a heavenly place with him through this journey that is filled with joy, righteousness and Jesus as my great mediator.

I kept the baby once more.  It was somewhat rough this morning because he was really tired.  But for some reason I had peace about it.  I kept thinking that God is in control of this day and he will do what he knows best with it.  I'm sure it also helped to know that I didn't have to deal with the baby and all of the other kids since they would be out the whole morning enjoying time with my parents.

I took the baby with me to my NRT appointment.  It was a GREAT appointment!  I was unblocked - YEAH!  I also came down on some of my supplements.  Then, I got REALLY excited because Dr. Albracht discovered and addressed a very tender abdomen that I have dealt with for decades apparently due to a tender aorta.  He could tell that something was making that area of my aorta pump harder and more intensely.  Interestingly enough I had just had this issue be uncovered by my regular doctor back in May and had a number of tests and ultrasounds performed to see if they could figure out the problem - but they couldn't.  He found the cause and now I have a tea supplement to cure it!  THANK YOU GOD for working through him to continue to heal me!!!!!!!  The one bummer is that my rice cakes didn't test well so I shouldn't be eating them.  :(

Got home in time to feed the baby.  The kids also showed up with Mimi and Papaw to drop off Skylyn.  I debated what I should eat in my head for awhile and with God's help came to the conclusion that a plate full of fish and leftover cooked veggies would be best.  

Afterwords I put the baby down for a nap and just started mad-dash painting the beds and the armour shelves.  A number of times I really wanted to stop for a snack.  I decided against it because I knew I wasn't hungry but instead just didn't want to face the 2nd coat of paint I was realizing was needed to be done after the first one I was applying.  I then put Skylyn down for nap and kept working.  God was gracious to me today and allowed the baby to sleep for 3 hours!!!  That gave me the ability to have time to apply the second layers of paint and be complete with that project.  In fact, I was even able to get a 35 minute nap myself.  

When he woke up  I fed him his bottle on my bed while I ate an entire bag of vegetable chips.  Why did I do that?  Was it a reward for finishing the bed painting?  Was it dreading needing to prime and paint the bedroom wall in the girl's room?  Was it rebellion against my not being able to eat rice cakes?  I don't know.  But I do know I shouldn't have eating the whole thing.

Aaron took Skylyn out on a date since the older two kids were going to be sleeping at Mime and Papaw' house.  I stayed home and finished installing the bracket strip, brackets, and shelve in the girl's new armour.  I also had a good amount of time to catch up on my journaling.

Thank you God for being in control of my day and planning it out better than I could have attempted on my own. 

You Are My I LOVE YOU - August 18

Walked again and read my Bible: 2 Thessalonians - 1 Timothy 1:9.

Stand out verses:

2 Thessalonians 1:11 "With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by HIS power HE may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith."

2 Thessalonians 3:11-13  "We hear that some among you are idle.  They are not busy; they are busy-bodies.  Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.  And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right."

Wanted to get a lot done especially after my day yesterday.  Because some shops weren't open yet and because Aaron had taken my car which had my fabric swatches, I didn't get to as many stores as I would have liked.  But, the kids really stuck with me and were big troopers (despite my angry attitude).

For lunch I used a coupon and bought them smoothies from the Smoothie King.  They picnicked out on the living room floor on a blanket and watch e Wall-E the movie.  I ate snacky food by myself and then started to work.

I installed one of the bracket holding strips to hold shelves in the girl's new-to-us armour.  I was bummed when I realized I needed another set.

Then when Skylyn went down to nap I sanded all of the bed frames for the girl's room and sponge washed them clean.  I even sponge washed some doors, door frames and window seals in and around the kitchen and entry from were 2 years of kid's dirty fingers had touched them.

As I was working I thought about my kids inside playing by themselves.  Whey didn't I want to be in there?  Why did it feel more comfortable to be working than playing?  Why did it make my feel better to work?  When did being productive become so important to me?  "When did I forget how to play?", might be the bigger, overall question.  I will pray that throughout the year that changes.  I will pray that I can learn how to play with my kids again.  I will pray that next summer will be filled with interaction and togetherness.

As I was working I also thought of how angry I had been the last couple of days.  Something my sister said to me in our last conversation was that she thought I took advantage of my parent's generosity.  This had been lingering in my thoughts for the last week.  Was I angry because without my being completely unaware of it, it might be true.  I could see that from her view point that would seem unfair.  Maybe I rely on them too much.  If this were true then I am angry at myself for being that way.  This is not the person I EVER thought I would be as a girl growing up, heading off to college and daydreaming of her future.  As I stood there and worked I just became more angry at all of the circumstances that have led to my present lifestyle situation. 

I am angry that my health , emotions, and social freedoms were stolen from me by and eating disorder I NEVER asked for.  I'm angry I had such complex chiropractic problems that it let to terrible health and everyone doubting my sanity.  I'm angry that keeping up my health with chiropractics, while it's a source of thankful and blessed healing, is a big source of financial depletion for us.  I'm angry that my body shut down last summer and that I had to face constant eating restraints and seeing a specialist that also drains our check accounts.  Yet, again, the NRT is the biggest blessing for my health I received last year.  I'm angry that I had a heart arrhythmia that no one trusted I had until 9 years had passed.  I'm angry that all of my poor health (which I NEVER asked for), has left me unable to work outside the home.  I'm angry that my husband could only get employed by someone who doesn't supply insurance and therefore we have to pay out almost the amount of a second mortgage just to have catastrophe type of insurance.  On top of that I presently face anger about the fact that I can't take full potential of my photography class because my camera is so old and doesn't work well.  Finally, what set me over the edge this week was me now having something else not go the way I had hoped and counted on:  my haircut.

Why does my life have to be one HUGE stumbling block after another.  And, these aren't the kind that trip you; they're the kind that plaster you face first into the burning asphalt and leave you scarred and broken while everyone watches.  What is fair about any of this?  So, that leads me back to the beginning question in my mind:  do I take advantage of my parent's generosity.  Maybe so.  But, at this stage in my life I don't know how to not accept a life vest when I feel like I'm drowning.  I just wish I weren't drowning.

On a different note, sometime today I looked over and saw a book Aaris had brought to me a couple of days earlier and told me she really liked it.  She said it talked about how she loved me and I loved her.  But, today I looked at it and saw something different.  I saw it as how God loves us all:

"You Are My I LOVE YOU" by Cusimano

I am our parent; you are my child.

I am your quiet place; you are my wild.

I am your calm face; you are my giggle.

I am your wait; you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage ride; you are my king.

I am your push; you are my swing.

I am your audience; you are my clown.

I am your London Bridge; you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks; you are my licorice.

I am your dandelion; you are my first wish.

I am your water wings; you are my deep.

I am your open arms; you are my running leap.

I am your way home; you are my new path.

I am your dry towel; you are my wet bath.

I am your dinner; you are my chocolate cake.

I am your bedtime; you are my wide awake.

I am your finish line; you are my race.

I am your praying hands; you are my saying grace.

I am your favorite book; you are my new lines.

I am your night-light; you are my starshine.

I am your lullaby; you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss; you are my I love you.

We had meet the teacher tonight for Aaris' school.  Only one person said they liked my hair.  The rest just asked if I got hot and just needed to cut it off?  I felt so ugly.  But, back to Aaris' teacher.  I'm really not sure about her , but all I kept telling myself was that I have been praying for the best teacher for Aaris and that's all I can count on.

Afterwords I wanted to stay home and eat by myself but that wouldn't go over very well with my parents staying here with us for the evening.

I ended up being glad I went (took my own food of course) to eat with them.  After we got home my sister called me and we had a GREAT talk.  She was so comforting in letting me cry out some of my pain to her.  After that I then joined my parents in the living room and had great conversation with them as well.

What an up and down day of painful insight as well as loving insight.  Please let me just hold onto the loving insight.

Would You Not Have Done It? - August 17

Kept the baby boy I was going to provide childcare for until I decided it added too much anxiety to my life right now.  His parents haven't had time to find someone else, so I definitely knew it was the right thing to keep him until they can find another permanent child care provider for him.  I did wake up a little later than I had desired and therefore didn't get my Bible reading in like I should have.  But, I did walk.

From the moment he was dropped off it was hard.  He wanted to play and needed and wanted supervision.  I needed to finish up our morning breakfasts: preparing, eating, and clean up.  Thank goodness I had Aaris to entertain him for awhile.  From that moment on it felt like I just checked out for the day.  All I could do was help this sweet baby, but all I wanted to do was work on tasks at hand.  On top of that we were house trapped since Aaron had the infant car seat in his car.

I didn't binge but definitely overate on rice cakes, especially at dinner.  And, overall, I just didn't make the best food choices.  I ate more snack foods instead of meals. 

The baby did not sleep hardly any and needed my constant attention.  I fed him his bottle in my bed so that I could at least watch t.v. while I was having to hold him all the time.

I was the angriest person all day because I felt my time to get a project done was snatched from me.  I felt like time with my own kids was stolen and given to this baby.

The most anxious part was the fact that the baby was not on any schedule, so even if I put him down for a nap I didn't know if I had 15 minute or 2 hours before he woke up. 

The most interesting time I had was during one of the baby's short naps.  I also laid down but decided to try and get my Bible reading in.  My Bible opened to 2 KINGS 5.  It talked of how Naaman was a valiant and regarded soldier, but had leprosy.  A captive servant for his wife told them that the prophet, Elisha, in Samaria could cure him.  When Naaman got to Elisha's house, Elisha's servant gave him Elisha's message from God: 

"'Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.'  But Naaman went away angry and said, 'I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy.  Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than any of the waters of Israel?  Couldn't I wash in them and be cleansed?'  So he turned and went off in a rage.  Naaman's servants went to him and said, 'My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it?  How much more, then, when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed','  So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven time, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.

What I got out of it?  I am calling on God to heal me.  He is giving me simple tasks to follow.  I just need to not not eat sugar, yet I do to just need to eat the best foods that the Nutritional Response Tester says will benefit my body better.  He's not asking me to go and perform some great thing in order to receive healing.  It's not like he's asking me to not eat...I get to eat.  It's not like he's telling me I have to take painful medicine like chemotherapy...I just have to not take in sugar or unhealthy food choices.  Come on Jessica, be happy with his simple command and go and dip yourself in it as many times as is needed to come out clean like a young girl again. 

That evening I took Titus to gymnastics.  He did fantastic and mastered every skill they had him perform.  Aaron showed up back from his overnight work trip.  He was able to see my new haircut and watch Titus.  Afterwards I made a quick trip to the library to clear up some wrongful overdue charges.  Then, I barely make it home because my body was so exhausted.   I went straight to my room, changed for bed and went to bed.  I was asleep by 8:00 PM.  That is CRAZY EARLY for me.  The emotional strain of the day of keeping the baby was just too much for my body. 

August 16

Woke up with my skin itching but no matter how much I scratched, it wouldn't stop.  It was mainly all over my abdomen.  I woke up but just laid in bed itching and wishing it wasn't morning yet.  My mom's call got me out of bed.

I walked my 20 minutes then did about 15 minutes of leg work like lunges, hip abductions, plea's and such.

God the kids up and ready for the day.  We ate breakfast and then practiced riding our bikes up to the school and back.  When we returned home I came back to the office to check the computer for some stuff.  I suddenly got hit with a wave of exhaustion.  I was instantly tired and couldn't keep my eyes open.  I went and laid down in bed and immediately fell to sleep.  I slept until 11:00 AM!  Upon waking I immediately felt guilty not spending that time with the kids.  The only thing that pulled me into positive thinkg was realizing that God really was showing me how well he is taking care of my family.  While I was sleeping He filled Aaris with love, imagination, patience, selflessness, servanthood, and compassion.  She, because of God, was able to take care of Skylyn and Titus (without ever turning on the t.v. I must add).

I ate with the kids.  I didn't even finish my food - put a few brussell sprouts (seriously yummy) back in the leftover container.  That felt victorious.

Showed the kids my printed out pictures of how I wanted my hair cut.  I then bathed and got ready to go.  Halfway to the salon (about 20 minutes from home) I realized that I forgot all of the printouts of the hairstyles I liked on the table.  I got sick feeling.  On top of that, when we got to the salon my hairdresser said she was only expecting me.  What!?!?!  I had told her I wanted Aaris and Titus' haircut as well.  She did Aaris' hair then she did my color.  Finally, she cut and cut and cut my hair.  I was expecting a lot more length left, especailly on the top, front and side of my hair.  I HATED what she had done!!!!!!  I cried for about 20 minutes.  Here is the IRONIC and WEIRD ending to this whole experience => As I was paying for this horrible haircut and feeling so ugly and embarrassed THE song "Pretty Pretty Please" by Pink started playing on the salon radio!  CRAZY, right!

Aaris was a doll.  Her precious soul tried so hard over and over again to cheer me up.

I got home and played some with my hair to make it look better in my eyes.

This evening I took Titus to gymnastics at 5:30 along with everyone else since Aaron is out of town on business.  We got there only to find out that his class was at 6:30.  So I went to Aaris dance studio and signed her up for dance classes.  We then rushed to McDonalds to feed the kids before we headed back to the gym.  We pulled it off and got to the gymnastics gym at 6:30 and waited 10 minutes for Titus' coach to come out.  When he did we found out that they had once again told me the wrong thing.  Aaris was supposed to be having class tonight.  URGGG!  She wasn't dressed or ready for class, but out she needed to go.

At first she did what she did 2 years ago (when we took her out of class).  She played around and didn't pay attention.  Then, after a quick talking to from me during a water break she changed.  I could see her trying to improve each  and every time she did an exercise.  I was so proud of her.

Tonight was hard knowing tomorrow I need to watch the baby while his parents search for a replacement for me.  I ate more rice cakes then I should have (a whole bag) but stopped after that.  I know I was just procrastinating on all of the clean up work I needed to do in order to have my house ready for a baby.  I stayed up late getting all of the work done.

August 15

Woke up way too late.  Really didn't want to get out of bed.  I ate vegetable chips and 2 rice cakes and almond milk for breakfast.  Got to work on switching out and cleaning out the kid's closets.  Barely stopped for lunch.  Had peach and more vegetable chips.  Really wanted rice cakes, but we were all out.  I then was very tempted to eat corn chips or sugar free crackers, but THANKFULLY realized that wouldn't be a good idea.  I would feel guilty for just putting one of those items in my mouth and would therefore just end up eating into a binge.  So, instead I got two small glasses of almond milk.

After calling my mother and discussing my increasing anxiety of just thinking about being a committed child care provider for this baby I decided it best to call the parents.  I told her that I didn't think I could keep their baby for them.  It was an extremely hard choice because I didn't want to back out of a commitment.  I also didn't want to not help out my family financially, but I just knew in my gut that this was not going to be healthy for me physically or emotionally.  Really, this was the only choice I had if I wanted what was going to be best for me, and therefore ultimately for the baby and for my own family.  After getting off the phone with her and feeling like I was instantly downing in guilt I decided to call a good friend of mine that is a teacher, but has also been a child care provider out of her house.  She thought I made the best choice.  

Got frustrated with photography assignment.  Didn't feel like I could get it to work!!!  Felt completely stupid and inadequate for the class.  Didn't feel like I was able to grasp everything we were learning.  Also, I felt very handicap by my old worn out camera.  It just doesn't respond like a newer, not dropped and banged up version does.

I ate before class: the rest of the vegetable chips and some grapes.

After school I went to Wal-Mart.  I spent way too much money, but they were all necessities for the girl's new beds.  I feel guilty but at the same time I"m excited about it all being done.

Looking back, I really had NO desire to overeat or binge today - THANK YOU GOD!  But, I also had NO desire to eat meat and vegetables.   

Dear God, please give me some guidance with the girl's new room and with the the use of my camera.  

August 14

Sleep much better and slept until 9:00 AM!  Enjoyed singing hymns out of older church song books my father-in-law had brought.  It was really nice when my mother-in-law or brother-in-law would harmonize with us as well.

Our little church service was great.  The songs were fun to pick out and the kids were able to help out with prayers and passing of the communion, as well as picking some songs to sing as well.

Lunch was HARD because I heard my in-laws talking about how they enjoyed my sister-in-law's humor.  We talked about Aaron's patience - except when  someone finally crosses one to many lines with him. :) Then everyone started pulling out the desserts.  What really ate at me were the Reese's Buttercup Bites.  Oh, those are a love of mine.  I could feel my flesh just screaming at me to take a bite.  I even grabbed the bag and took a huge smell of them.  I instead ate 2 rice cakes but they didn't help.  I finally just had to walk up to my room.  There I fell to the floor and cried.  OH, how I wanted to eat something sweet...a true sugar filled dessert!  I was almost done crying until the idea of Christmas flashed through my head and I cried even harder thinking of missing out on all of the enjoyable treats.

I called my friend Michelle because she has chosen to live this diet and I knew she was about the only one who could understand my pain.  After finally talking with her I walked downstairs and journaled some but went back up for a2 1/2 hour nap.

I woke up disappointed with the day because  I had wanted to take the kids swimming but instead we packed up a day early and headed into town for dinner.  My brother-in-law chose the restaurant Chuy's where they said our wait would be about 45 minutes, so we went to another mexican restaurant right down the road.  We were treated terribly by the hostesses.  I eventually asked for the manager.  I kept trying to speak with control and kindness yet still get my point across.  With knowing how past confrontations have gone I believe I did very well.  (Thank you God for helping me remember your words from yesterday!).  I even did it with our waiter to warn him of our already heightened frustrations so he could maybe be able to keep our peace as best as possible.

When we finally got back home I forced myself to unpack the kitchen items and my luggage before sitting down.  When I did sit down I did so with Aaron to watch a movie.  I ate 4 rice cakes and got up to grab more.  BUT, I PUT THEM BACK DOWN!!  Yeah!!!  I grabbed a glass of almond milk instead and that was the end of the potential binge!!!

I think struggling with watching this baby I have committed to keep two days a week all school year is really bothering me and making me very anxious and upset.  I don't want to do it but I know we need the money.  What should I do????

Listened to the song "Pretty Pretty Please" by Pink.  Then, decided I would like to get my hair cut really short like Pink's hair style.  Something with some edge.  Aaron said he would like it.  I think I'm going to do it because it fits how I'm feeling right now in my life:  like a tough fighter. I 'm ready to dress for the role I'm needing to play in my life at this point.

Read Joshua 28:19 - 30:20

August 13 - "...The Very Words of God"

Didn't want to wake up because I had spent so much of the night awake because I was freezing cold.  I could never get warm enough or comfortable.

I had about 4 eggs for breakfast because the shells had broken in the move last night and my father-in-law had saved them.  But, now they needed cooked and eaten.  I also ate 2 slices of bacon that my in-laws had cooked.  Felt a little guilt about not just eating more than normal but for also eating a little fattier and unhealthier version than what I am use to.

My father-in-law told me again this morning (also told me late last night) that he could tell I had put on weight and that I looked healthier.  I don't like the fact that I'm over 10 lbs heavier (because of all of the binges) than I would like to be.  I especially dislike the word "healthier."  That must mean I look bigger (a.k.a. fatter).  Plus, it bothers me that both of my sister-in-laws are way smaller than me and yet he never ever insinuates that they should put on weight.  In fact I can not tell you how many times I have had to listen to my mother-in-law proudly brag that my sister-in-law is a size 0.

I took the time after breakfast to get ready for the day.  I then, opened my Bible for my daily Bible time.  I was THRILLED and even giddy with joy about what God had led me to read.  It's something I wouldn't mind reading daily because it is so powerful and encouraging.  It just seems possible as well - which is motivating. 

It was 1 PETER 4:8 - 2 PETER 1:21 

I really felt strong and confident about how I was going to use my day and implement these wise words.  I felt joy and hope and all the fulfillment that could be accomplished with this new spiritual ammo.

I joined everyone on the back patio and we had great conversation.  It was nice to be a part of it without drama or high strong emotions on my part!

Lunch was good too because I ate my own food.  I felt good about how I handled the kids and correcting their actions. 

For most of the afternoon I was alone with the kids while others were out or napping.  I kept having strong food desires to eat just for the sake of eating.  BUT, I held off until 3:00 (YEAH) and had watermelon (yummy) and 1or maybe 2 rice cakes.

We took the kids swimming in the early evening.  I always have a hard time in a swimming suit around others.  I feel ugly about my body shape and weight, my hair (which is too thin), and my face which is too ugly with no make up.  Plus it didn't help that we were at a higher income community and most of the women were very in shape.

I had a very hard time enjoying conversation.  They were speaking of their desires to have permanent eyeliner and lip color done.  It's hard to talk about something I can't afford because it makes me sad, mad that it's my health situations that don't allow us to afford it, and envious that they haven't had to face all we have had to face and that they get to think about care-free, luxurious things like tattooed make-up.

Also, a discussion of a girl's only trip came up.  But even this was a hard conversation to enjoy because I won't be able to enjoy it since I won't be able to buy anything wherever we go, yet they would have all the freedom to do so.

At dinner I knew something was wrong because I just wanted to eat and eat and eat.  I just couldn't feel satisfied.  I forced myself to stop after a little bit of overeating.

My biggest regret of the day:  being short tempered with my kids when I was emotionally sad, resentful, or frustrated.  I wish I could have rather been calm and pictured myself in their shoes for awhile to have the compassion for how they were feeling (too tired and frustrated as well).

God please help me to speak "as one speaking the very words of God." (1 Peter 4:11)

What should my food be - August 12

Woke up early to walk and read the Bible.  Read JOHN 4 and 5. 

REALLY liked JOHN 4:13-14:

"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst.  Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'"

JOHN 4:23-24

(I think it in a way ties into the thinking behind the message of John 3:30):

"'Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.  God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

JOHN 4:50

"...The man took Jesus at his word..."

I absolutely LOVED JOHN 4:34

"'My food,' said Jesus, 'is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish this work.'"

Poppy took Titus and Skylyn on ahead to the lake house wile Aaris and I shopped for pillows for their new room and had our appointments with Dr. Frahm.  It was after 2:00 PM when we got to the lake house.  We finally ate lunch and I had a hard time felling pleased and satisfied when I was done with my plate.  Really wanted a dessert.  I think I get this way when I am somewhere and I don't know what I"m supposed to be doing with myself or my time.

I took the kids for a short exploring walk (too hot and they had the wrong shoes on) and then started a movie for them.  I took a nap.  I woke up not feeling good in my neck and spine which scared and frustrated me.

My dear friend, Christy, called and we had a great talk.  She was incredibly encouraging but it was good to talk to her about my hopes.  The main thing that I was able to grasp during out talk was that I can't expect Aaron's family to just start treating me different because I act different.  I think I will just have to be patient and keep on keeping on with my transformation.  Then, hopefully one day in the years to come they will realize that I'm not the same person and will treat me accordingly.

The Air Conditioning went out on the house we were staying in.  We ate dinner, but again had a hard time feeling pleased by my food or having my hunger satisfied..  The rest of the evening we spent moving to a different house because of the broken A/C.  I had some diarrhea due to having eaten watermelon for my morning snack.  Also I felt really weak.  At 9:40 PM I had more watermelon for a dessert and 1 rice cake.  I was very joyful that I stopped at just 1!!!!  I did start feeling anxious before bed.  Some anxiety had set in because of not feeling like my neck and spine were fixed like they were supposed to have been after just having my appointment that day.  Also, because of feeling weak and experiencing diarrhea I was worried about my health.  Therefore, I decided to take another 1/2 of a potassium pill to feel safer.  Aaron also pointed out that I get anxious about my health when I'm not close to a hospital.  I think it was because of my potassium and because I was taking my medicine later than normal (which includes my anxiety pill and calming supplements.)

August 11

I stayed up way too late the night before and there was just no waking me up.  But, I didn't feel too bad because I had accomplished so much: most of the laundry washed and sorted, my closet cleaned up (big mess!), and pictures taken of more things for Craigslist, those items cleaned out of the house and taken to the garage, and lockers (Craigslist find) removed from trailer and put in the garage.S  o, once again, even when my mom called, I didn't try, in any way, to attempt to get out of bed.

We did however still get almost everything  had planned accomplished:swimming play date at a fun and new pool, bought green fabric so my mom can get started on sewing the girl's new comforters, returning trailer to mom and dad, nap schedule still on track, and cleaned the kitchen.  I still had to take a nap because I just feel weak and worn out these days.

I did still want to get my Bible reading in, so I opened up to JOSHUA 5,6,& 7.  I read chapter 7 (but didn't quite understand what I was supposed to get from it.)  I did, thought, just now read chapters 5 and 6 and feel like their is good potential for greater understanding and application to my life.

Right after the kids had gone to bed I did sit and watch some t.v. and grab my rice cakes.  I stopped at only 2 rice cakes.  That's impressive for me.

Finally I stayed up and cooked for about 4 hours.  The meal planning at the lake house had almost no foods I could eat.  I didn't enjoy cooking but I'm so happy I have yummy food to eat while out there.

Thank you God for a productive day!!  Please forgive me for not starting my day with you.

Demolish Strongholds - August 10

Today God had me read from 2 Corinthians 8, 9, and 10.  I was moved and compelled by all of it, but something about 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 struck me:

"For thought we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.  The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have DIVINE POWER to DEMOLISH STRONGHOLDS.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ..."

Now, if this verse could just pop down in front of my eyes with flashy lights and sirens every time I have a destructive thought or a food addictive stronghold I'm pretty sure I could redirect my actions, reactions, thoughts and emotions very quickly.  But, since that doesn't happen, I just need to make this verse a priority to memorize and have at the forefront of my mind.

Today was good with getting up even earlier, walking, reading and even getting a peaceful breakfast and change of clothes before starting the day with my kids. 

After lunch I had very strong desires to sit down and continue to eat.  But, God decided to help me get my body moving with all of the chores that were needed around the house.  I stayed busy with sweeping, cleaning up the kitchen and laundry. 

By the time that Aaron got home I was tired and about to start losing it with the kids.  I had been working and working and all I could see was all the more work that still needed to get done!  So, when he left I went for a snacking type of dinner.  Not the best idea.

I started out with half a package of rice cakes.  Then, I starting on vegetable chips.  I had all intention to stop halfway through what was in the already opened bag, but when I reached that point it just tasted so good that I didn't want to stop.  It had a stronghold on me that I didn't try to fight with God's divine power.  I then decided to have a small bowl of Ezekiel cereal and Almond milk.  That turned into another small bowl.  Then, the kids came back with the kids.  Thank goodness.  Get involved in their night time routine helped me.  I already could feel my fleshly desires getting out of control, and I knew why.  I have a tremendously long line of jobs and chores and errands to get run before Friday and frankly I was already tired and I just didn't want to have to face all of the work. 

I do want to give thanks to God for helping me stop before this meal turned into a full-fledged binge!

I'm also thankful that after it happened and for the rest of the evening I felt completely discussed by my overeating!  I truly grimmest at the idea of what I had just done.  All that I could feel was that I didn't want to experience that feeling again and therefore I desire to overeat no more.  That's an unusual feeling to have for me.  I hope it sticks around and gets stronger so that I don't face so much temptation ateach meal.