Stressed

Okay so today I was stressed all day.  Stressed about the car and getting it fixed as quickly as possible.  Stressed about packing for another trip. 

Then, as the day progressed those stresses just became more and more compressed and complicated.  I was stressed to hear that our car repair could cost up to $4400.00!!!  That's half of what we paid for it when we bought it 3 months ago!  I was stressed to know if we are going to make this trip it's going to be in Aaron's car with all three kids compressed in the back seat ~ oh, and complete by myself!  Honestly, I don't even want to go on this trip at all any more. 

Throughout the day I had good and bad moment.  The good thing is that I finished reading the book "Made to Crave."  I had a good moment of eating very well until dinner.  Really, I kept wanting to run to food, but I didn't.  I did just try to keep reminding myself that all of this chaos and mess is still under God's control.  He still is sovereign and He still has some reason for all of this happening.  That doesn't mean I'm not frustrated.  That doesn't mean I don't emotionally feel pain that we have to face these stresses.  The bad is that I had a hard time not napping all day.  The bad thing is that I ate 8 more rice cakes than I should have.  The bad thing is that I am procrastinating and don't want to go and clean the kitchen and pack.  I just keep watching t.v. instead of facing all I need to do.

I am basically doing what I have always done:  running or hiding from what seems too hard and/or painful for as long as possible.

God's Timing

Okay, so today God seemed to be directing us to focus on the idea of God's timing and the peace that comes from believing in that idea. 

I didn't sleep very well last night, waking up a lot.  I also had very vivid and emotional dreams.  They were about unrealistic things but at the same time very familiar things liking trying out for cheerleader yet not making it (spent 7 years as a cheerleading growing up).  There was one dream that was something different ~ something I never remember experiencing in a dream.  After I lost the cheerleading tryouts I woke up virtually crying.  I went back to sleep and picked right back up.  I remember feeling victimized and therefore decided to just act that way.  But, right after my first gesture of living as a victim I felt stupid.  I remember thinking that that was dumb.  So, I decided to fight back with power.  I remember thinking about what the cheerleading squad would miss with my absence and I knew it was my physical strength and power.  So, I decided to use that special quality of mine as an asset.  I tried got involved in power lifting for the school and did well as far as I can remember.  By the end of my dream I was winning some overall excellence title for the entire school.  Victory?  What!  I have rarely had a dream where I came out strong and victorious.  What was the timing of this?

Breakfast was still a challenge.  I still wanted to overeat and did.  It seemed like a combination of wanting to enjoy the luxury of this ready to eat gourmet food that was about to be gone, not wanting to face going back to the reality of life, being tired from a long night's restless sleep, and not wanting to waste the food or the money my parents spent on the food.  No matter, I still overate.

The ride home was fine.  I felt like talking to someone but everyone was in church.  As we were hitting downtown Austin my car started acting funny and smelling like something burning.  I pulled over to get some gas thinking that would help the car not work so hard (my tank was almost empty).  As the car was sitting at the pump it starting smoking/steaming from under the hood.  A nice guy came over to see if he could help.  Basically he just concluded that I should be able to make it home.  We did put some gas in the car and puttered slowly all the way home and later to an auto repair lot.  But, as I stood there looking at stem coming out from under my hood all I could think at first was "WHY?!?!?!?!"  "Why now?!?"  Why, when we have just started to get our feet underneath us financially with hope of sometime in the future seeing some sort of light at the end of this long dark tunnel does this extra expense have to hit us?!?!  But, after about a minute of that fit in my head the thought that popped in my mind was, "God's timing is always perfect."  This must be the Holy Spirit, because that's not my normal way of thinking.

Aaris also had a timing incident happen today.  She had a huge nervous breakdown when she was in the car at the gas station and could smell and see the smoke.  She basically screamed for her live to be let out of the car obviously thinking that something horrific was going to happen.  (She's had fears about cars since her accident with Aaron back in April.)  I had to talk to her about fear and trusting God instead of all the scariest outcomes we could think of.  She had another fear this evening with the car as well.  So, at bed time we read from the kid's daily bible devotional and the title of the night's devo was 'No More Worries'.  It talked about when you're worried you're supposed to talk to God about it and know that He'll take care of them for you.  God's perfect timing, wouldn't you say?!

Finally, Aaron and I watched a movie tonight, "The Company Men."  It basically followed men and how they survived, helped, refocused, or even lost the battle of this economy that we're in and the bad hands they suddenly had been dealt with their jobs and finances.  I know for me, it made me feel blessed to be as lucky as we are right now.  It made me appreciate all that we still do get to enjoy, like a house and food.  But, more importantly it made me feel very rich in love because of the bond my husband and kids and I have.  We haven't let the need for 'stuff' come between us.

You know I really want the 'HGTV'd' show to come to my house and decorate my master bedroom.  And I mean - REALLY!  But, tonight I just had to let go of that lustful longing and just remember that God will have the perfect timing for anything he wants to bless us with - even anything including worldly, materialistic desires.  So, I still have a desire for HGTV to come do my room, but it's more of a hopeful, hey-wouldn't-that-be-so-cool type of dream instead of a lustful, it's-the-only-way-I'm-ever-going-to-enjoy-my-house type of desire.

Last thing.  As Aaris was very beautifully reading from the book of Titus tonight I got struck with a passage that I want to apply to my daily focus on being set free from this food addiction:

Titus 2:11-13

"God's saving grace has appeared to all people.  It teaches us to say no to godless ways (a.k.a for me = lusting after and comforting myself with food and putting it before my God or my family) and sinful longings.  We must control ourselves.  We must do what is right.  We must lead godly lives in today's world.  That's how we should live as we wait for the blessed hope God has given us."

Comfortable

This was a great day.  The only time I stumbled a bit was at breakfast.  I had a hard time with overeating because I was able to get food cooked in special ways and readily available (no work on my part like every morning at home)  - plus the price just makes you want to eat enough to feel like you're not wasting a lot of money.  It was a buffet, but not just any buffet.  I'm telling you that this was a buffet you dream about!!!  It had anything and everything you could possibly ever desire for breakfast:  made to order omelettes, made to order pancakes and waffles with every topping imaginable, make your own breakfast tacos, oatmeal with all the topping, yogurt with all the toppings, every pastry and muffin and baked good there was, every drink you could think of, all kinds of cereal, sausages, biscuits and gravy and jelly and butter, and a huge fruit spread just to help you start to get the idea.  So, just think about the food addict I am and how I had a hard time controlling my eating with just my safe foods.  I would have been in some serious binge problems if I would let my boundaries down to include the whole buffet.  But, at the same time I'm glad I ate enough to not be hungry for awhile.  Usually I'm hungry every 2 hours at home.  But, since we were playing so hard all day outside this day it was great to not worry or even think about food!

As I went back to my room to change into a swimming suit I was faced with a choice.  Do I put on the cute suit so that I feel like I might not look like a frumpy mom to people, or do I put on my 5 year old long sleeved suit with shorts that is sunblock protective?  I decided that I would rather choose comfort over cuteness.  I have really damaged skin from all of my years of getting burned (in an attempt to get tanned and look cool) so it seemed more appealing to not have to worry about reapplying more and more sunblock all day.

That was the best choice.  We were outside from about 10:15 AM - 6:00 PM.  We were always playing in the lazy river or pools, but they also had some scheduled activities we participated in.  They were always held on the big green lawn in the center of the Resort (and in the sun).  Having more of a sporty swimming suit on allowed me to not once be body conscience when I was playing flag tag or kickball (or watching the kids play sponge tag).  I was able to run and kick and jump and everything without worry about my body being exposed more than I would desire.  One time Titus and Aaris and I joined in a pick up water volleyball game and I held them on my shoulder (sometimes they sat and sometimes they stood on my shoulders) and I didn't have to worry about my suit.  Looking back now I felt very comfortable in my body.  That's a nice feeling!  There were just a couple of times I thought about me not liking my size being a little bigger than I would desire, but most of the time those moments passed quickly because I got moving and active in my body and just enjoyed the comfort of living life!

I have to give a HUGE "thank you" to my parents.  They went above and beyond to make the trip VERY comfortable for me and my chosen eating plan.  First off I am more than appreciative of them for being so generous and sharing their trip with us.  But, secondly, they really made every effort to get me exposed to food choices or environments that were conducive to me not having any problems in finding something good to eat!

Finally, I ended the day with a date with my little buddy, Titus!  It was a complete joy to lay out on the big hotel lawn and watch "Finding Nemo" enjoying the night air with him.  Since I was not worried about what food I was missing out on (free popcorn and free smores) I was able to take the moment in.  Also, Titus was able to cozy up to me and love on me all night.  If I were participating in my food addiction I would have instead been cozying up to some food instead of my sweet boy.  What a special memory that will always be for me.

Thank you God for allowing me to remember what it was like to be care free about my body and just enjoy its strength and health to participate in life and all the fun activities and adventures that can include.  

July 22

Woke up with an unexpected kink in our plans.  Titus had a stomach bug.  As I was packing up (to head to a weekend at the Hill Country Hyatt Resort with my parents and the kids) and before we left the house he threw up twice.  In the car ride to Aaris' chiropractic appointment on our way out of town he threw up twice.  Then, it just kept going and going.  So, you may be thinking, why didn't you call off your travel vacation plans.  Well, because I knew that this may last a day AT THE MOST - it wasn't going to last.  I'd seen this same exact situation happen to Titus last year.  I mean, Titus had an appetite even though he couldn't keep anything down and no temperature.  So, we just road it out - literally and figuratively.  Titus threw up every 30 minutes from 7:30 AM until 2:30 PM.  Then, BAM, he's hungry and this time with no pain and no vomiting.  It was perfect because it was the exact time that we could get into the hotel and start the activities!

Why don't I think this way with a food temptation/urge/desire?  Why don't I recognize it for what it is?  Why don't I just ride it out knowing that it will pass?  Until now I have been calling off all of my healing breaking-free-from-food-addiction plans when I'm faced with a kink in my eating plans.  It has to stop.  I need to know that it may be painful and messy for awhile, but if I hang in there and don't cave on my plans then there's great fun to be had!

Before we could get into the hotel we needed to kill about 2 hours.  So, it was the perfect opportunity for me to visit with my dear friend, Kara, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding.  It had been about 5 years since we had seen each other.  We had a good talk and it was so genuine and natural.  I love that we were able to pick up like when we used to room together in college.  I loved telling her about my new eating journey and about the "Made to Crave" book.  Most of all I loved hugging her, seeing her beautiful home and meeting her gorgeous little boy!  I'm blessed by her friendship!

Well, when we got to the hotel, we had about 2 hours before dinner would be served.  With 30 minutes needed to get in our swimming suits apply sunblock, and at least 30 minutes to change and shower before dinner, that only left us with 1 hour to play.  I was ready to just say we would wait until after dinner maybe even the next day.  Oh, but boy did the kids have a different idea.  They just recited "PLEEEAAASE" none stop.  I was a kid, too, once and I completely understood where they were coming from, so on went the suits and sunblock.

I am glad we did it.  We were able to go around the lazy river twice, play in the sandy beach area, play in the kiddie pool, and warm up in the hot tub.  

Dinner was good.  They had a big variety of meat which is what covered my plate.  There wasn't any temptation to each something off my plan.  Afterwards we headed to the playground to let the kids get some energy burned.  We finished just in time for Aaris and Mimi to get to the 'Movie On The Lawn.'  It a big screen set up outside on their beautiful lawn area in the middle of the hotel.  They have blankets for you to lay down and they serve free popcorn.  Across the lazy river they also have a make your own Smores fire pit.  I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before and was more than happy to let Aaris go with Mimi.  They watched "Night At The Museum" and had a great time.  I put Titus and Skylyn down for bed and tried to read for about 10 minutes with one light on.  Well, as the clock hit 9:00 PM I looked around and saw Titus staring happily at me and heard Skylyn kicking her palate bed on the floor.  So, I decide they won't go to sleep with the lights on.  I figured I would turn the light off for just a bit to let them get settled and then turn it back on.  Well, my head hit the pillow to wait and I was out fast then either of them probably!  lol.  I woke up twice in the night, but didn't wake up the next morning until 9:00 AM.  I don't know the last time that happened: 12 hours of sleep and in bed by 9:00 PM!  

Thanks God for the healing rest!!  

Not of Those

Tonight as I went through the kid's memory verses with them one of them suddenly popped out like never before: Hebrews 10:39 "But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."  I hear you God.  I AM a FOOD ADDICT, but I will not shrink back to it and have destruction be my future.  I WILL believe that God will help me overcome and will save me from this addiction imprisonment.

Today was a long day.  Woke up and took the kids swimming.  Not my favorite thing when I feel fat, but glad we had something to pass our time together.  Then, this afternoon when Skylyn went down for nap the older kids and I sat down and watched the Movie "Iron Will" while I repacked their bags for our weekend trip we leave for tomorrow morning.  I really wanted to eat this whole afternoon, but I just tried to keep moving.  I fixed a good dinner of fish, and fresh veggies and right as we sat down for dinner I realized I had completely forgotten about Care Group being at our house tonight.  With Aaron being out late again and me trying to get ready for tomorrow it just slipped my mind.  Thank goodness the other couple was late and they are non judgemental towards a messy house.  We had a short but sweet lesson and talk.

After that it was bedtime routine by myself.  As soon as that was over I walked out of their room and felt hungry.  Well, that was it.  I had had a long day all by myself with the kids and I 'deserved' something besides my meat and veggies diet.  So, I went for crackers (no sugar), 1/2 jar of peanut butter, and corn chips (no sugar).  That solidifies it.  I'm an addict.  I can't just eat one cracker, have one taste of peanut butter, or one handful of corn chips.  No, I have to keep going until I feel sick.  So, why not just throw a bowl of Ezekiel Cereal on there as well (hoping the fiber will help push this junk through my system faster). 

As I sat there and ate and watched a reality show I saw a man who just got out of prison for making the same stupid mistakes he had made time and time again.  This wasn't a hardened criminal.  This was just someone who decided that following the rules was just too hard.  He desires for fulfilling his immediate desires was more important than staying out of jail or rehab to be with his family.  On the same note, just a few days ago I watched a show where a morbidly obese person was given everything needed and then some (free trips, free home makeover to have a top-notch in-home gym, free car, free skin removal surgery, free in-home personal trainer) to transform their lives and lose the weight.  Even with all of those motivators, only one of the 6 contestants has actually stepped up and changed and saved their lives!  My situation may not be in that arena, but it is still very much the same. 

I still think the same way when it comes to my eating.  I would rather choose the immediate comfort of a bite of food than the long term fulfillment of change.  I still think that filling my cravings with food is somehow better than filling my cravings with God.  For some reason I shrink back from the immeasurable fullness my life could be because I somehow start not believing I was made capable of change.  For some reason I don't believe that God made me strong enough to overcome the greatest of odds/temptations/fleshly demands.  I for some reason don't think that Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through Him that gives me strength" can apply to my eating.  Well, that is no longer going to be allowed in my thinking.  I know my addiction is going to come out fighting tooth and nail.  I know it's going to play dirty pulling hair, scratching, and biting, but I HAVE to not shrink back.  It can't just be words any more.  My actions HAVE to change.  This is the only way I can fight this monster back.  My turning the other cheek and just taking the sucker punches will be the only way for me to win.

SO...

Aaris, Titus, Skylyn,

This is the day your Mommy decided that she will not be one who shrinks back and is destroyed.  This is the day she faced all of her physical desires and decided that from now on she is saying "NO" to them!  This is the day that I realize that I will have to cry many a tear and feel many a lose and taste many of pain in order to be saved.  Never will I look at you in the eyes again and tell you to not shrink back and not know exactly what you are feeling.  Never again will I tell you to not chose destruction of your best self, your grandest dreams, or your blindest faith yet have let my best self, grandest dreams and blindest faith be destroyed.

Aaron,

This is the day that your wife started the journey to living her life instead of living her past.  This is the day that she decided it was better to walk through fire and be refined than to step back and constantly re open wounds of the pain and hurts of her past.  This is the day she choose to ask God to help her see her life for the huge blessing and richness that it is instead of the flaws and mistakes she couldn't let go of.  This is the day she chose love over all else.

I'm almost in tears knowing that almost every day for quite some time now will involve tears, pain, frustration, and the strongest physical urge and desire to give up, but again, this is a fight for my life (physically, mentally, and spiritually) and I CANNOT shrink back and be destroyed! 

Nice to Give Back

This morning I had to ask a friend to help me out watching the kids while I went to a quick Dr. appointment (just a check-up to renew my perceptions).  When I got back to her house to pick up the kids she mentioned a meeting she needed to hold.  I asked if I could take her kids with me to help her out.  She said she wouldn't turn down the offer if I was asking.  So, we loaded up her two middle kids and headed home.  The kids all did great together.  They played well in the playroom together, the had fun on the Wii together, they ate well, and over all just had a great time.  I even got some reading time in while they were occupied.

It felt WONDERFUL to actually be able to GIVE BACK!  For so long I have been the one needing help, and let me tell you that if feels TERRIFIC to be in a position finally when I can be of help to others again!  Was it stressful?  Yes!  But, why wouldn't it be.  It a place a haven't been in a long time.  And, it adds more variables to my day.  But, God gave me the strength and we all made it through.

Aaron also needed to get some stuff done after work so that meant I had the kids all to myself for the evening.  Normally I would stress, but God was once again gracious and they were so cooperative and helpful and in good spirits.  Therefore I took them to the pool after dinner.  Besides Skylyn almost drowning (another lady in the pool saw it happen and raced to help her out...while I just assumed she wouldn't get in the pool without her floaty and was taking a minute to focus on getting the diving toys out for the kids) we had another fun time.  

My favorite thing about the day was reading from "Made to Crave."  I really feeling 100% connected to the thought process at the core of the book and identifying with it.  I feel like I'm loading up on a lot of golden nuggets to have on hand when I feel my thinking, motivation, focus start to waver from the quest I'm on to live on God's provisions for my life - one day at a time. 

Shake Him Off

Okay, Jessica, Shake - Him - Off!!!  'Him' referring to the devil.  He's really put blinders up on me and kept my head down.  I've only focused on all the weaknesses, insecurities, hurts, pain, discomforts, anger, disappointments, frustrations, flaws and negatives in my life.  That is not living!  Life is about moving forward, pressing on, staying present.  I've retreated, fallen backwards, focused and relived pains and hurts in my life.  I have told God that His plan for happiness, healing and even greatness in my life is too grand and unachievable.  What kind of person thinks this?  Someone who listens to the lies and fears of the devil.  Is change going to be hard? Yes.  Is change going to push me and is that going to hurt? Yes.  Is breaking free from any prison seem impossible?  Yes.  But, when you know the truth that you are innocent and don't deserve to be there, is it worth anything and everything it takes to break out and be free?  Yes.  That's what I tried to choose today.  I tried to choose getting back into life.  I tried to choose being present.

This morning I woke up after a number of alarm snoozes to a song that just shook my soul and said, "Jessica, you're still worth it and I'm not giving up on you, so you don't need to give up on you."  The song was "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets.  The exact part of the song that came on with my alarm was "I am the thorn in your crown, but you love me anyway.  I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway.  I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway.  Yes, and I am Judas' kiss, but you love me anyway."  I don't know why it's true, but it is.  I am just that bad, but for some reason this morning I believed God when He said He loved me anyway.  And, that alone made it worth getting out of bed.  I knew I could still have a day that might not turn out to be nothing but me falling flat on my face, wiping out emotionally or mentally or physically, making nothing but mistakes, backing down from challenges, but just knowing that God still loved (also knowing these things about me) made it bearable and possible to make it through the day. 

God then just kept hitting home the point with song after song.  I think the song right after "You Love Me Anyway" was "Strong Enough" by Matthew West.  Not long after that I was in the kitchen and I heard "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North, and "Stronger" by Mandisa.  

Today was just about me picking myself up and shaking off the dust of wallowing in filth for the last couple of days.  I needed to stay present and stay moving.  I spent most of my day in the kitchen.  First it was a complete disaster after dumping so much there after the trip.  On top of that we went to the store yesterday to buy all fresh veggies and fruits but they were just lying around needing to be washed and put away.  Then, I didn't have any of my most beneficial foods prepared.  I really needed to get some stuff cooked and ready to grab knowing that if I didn't than I would be tempted twice as strongly to grab something non beneficial. 

God spoke loudly through my kids today.  They smothered me with phrases like, "You're the best Mommy in the whole world."  Mentally it hard to hear that because I know all of the ways in which I've failed them and fallen short of doing my best for them, but my spirit needed to hear that they loved me and still held me in high regards.  Then, almost any other time when we are stuck at home and I am occupied with getting a task done the kids end up getting on each other's nerves and or hanging all over me.  Well, today was a gift from God because he kept them all happy together all day, pre-occupied making up games and playing together.  I was able to get so much accomplished in order to be prepared for stumbling blocks and it was all due to God babysitting the kids for me today. 

During nap time I continued to read from the book "Made to Crave."  It's been really good.

After nap I took the kids to the library.  There were a number of books and educational videos due today.  Aaris asked when she could get her own library card.  I didn't think she could but I told her to ask the librarian.  She did and the age requirement was 6.  She proudly said she was 7!  I observed as she then proceeded to walk over to the librarian sitting in the kid's section, beamed with joy as she showed the lady her new card, and then asked for assistance in finding some more books to check out.  

Last night Aaris finished reading another book in the New Testament, so were were flipping through to find what she wanted to read next.  Her bible happened to fall open to the book of "Titus".  Oh boy did she perk up and so did Titus.  She just read the opening section, but I've never seen Titus so attentive to her reading before.  They were both so in awe of Titus being named after a real person in the Bible.  Aaris really liked the idea that the book of Titus was actually a letter written to Titus from Paul.  See, devil.  These are the true sweet treats that linger on my pallet and quench my hunger in life. 

Well, good night.  I'm off to bath so I can start off tomorrow fresh and a new and ready to step into life.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Things to know about today

The Bad: 
-Woke up at 10:00 AM angry about where I was (depressed and surrounded by mess), and how I had let myself get there (binged instead of clean up from the trip, sick feeling from the binge, and sleeping away my time with the kids)
-Short with my kids
-Let them eat by themselves all day while I overate by myself
-Left Aaron with the kids even though he had a long hard day so I neglected my job as his partner
-Weighed myself at the grocery store (at the pharmacy blood pressure machine) and I'm 4 lbs heavier than when I started this journal and 10 lbs heavier than I was in March

The Ugly:
-I'm still wearing the clothes I wore home on Saturday (beside changing underwear)
-I haven't showered since Friday night
-My belly is bloated out like I'm 6 months pregnant because of my body not liking the food or the amount of food I'm putting into it

The Good:
-Only ate things I have been approved to eat today
-God gave me hope.  After I had already finished one whole bag of vegetable chips for lunch I went to grab another bag and I grabbed the brand new jar of organic all natural peanut butter I had just bought at the grocery store.  I was ready to eat just to numb myself out.  I decided that I wanted to cry out to Jesus and God.  As I walked through my room to get to the office where I was going to binge I grabbed my Bible and just flung it open begging that God would have something to tell me.  He had the page open up to Jeremiah 32:26 - 34:7. 
     Jeremiah 33:6-9 "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it;  I will heal my people and   will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.  I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.  I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me.  Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it."
     Jeremiah 33:11 "Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good; his love endures forever." 
I put down the food.  I journaled some and read some from the "Made to Crave" book and then took a nap.  He helped stop me from a day long binge and he helped stop me from eating that would leave to guilt because it wasn't a beneficial food (peanut butter).
-Tonight after I once again had a whole bag of Vegetable Chips I went in to the kitchen because I felt like continuing to just much on something instead of work on this journal or clean up the kitchen.  I once again opened the door and saw the peanut butter but God helped me to close the door back and leave the peanut butter in the cupboards.  I instead had two glasses of Almond Milk.   

July 17

Woke up not wanting to face the day and the rest of the day just seemed to spiral down hill.  I think I need to realize I need time to wind down from a trip like this both emotionally and physically.  I jumped straight from having to be 'on' constantly to prove myself as a parent, wife, sister, and daughter to then trying to let myself be un-tapped and real.  I also jump from being able to enjoy hardly any looming or ongoing obligations to being in charge of everything and then some: house keeper, bills and mail (electronic and snail mail), grocery shopping and menu planning, blogging, and also getting everything unpacked and put away.

So tired at church (nodded off to sleep twice during the morning) and feeling unmotivated to assert myself to try and search out people to connect with.  So, instead I just sat and people watched.  Wow, there are so many people who really connect at this church, and yet I have to work hard at trying to find anyone to connect to each time I'm there.

I wanted to go and find a corner in a back room and curl up and sleep.  The only reason I didn't was that I didn't want to miss communion.  I tried to find a place to sit where I could take communion and then sneak out to find that back room I longed for earlier.  Well, God had other plans.  He had a row of loving ladies from my ladies bible class that waved me over and invited me to sit with them.  Several times throughout the morning I had to hold back the tears from rolling down my cheeks from how touched I felt by their acceptance.  

That morning the message was about unity and accepting each other.  It hurt to look all around at the families my age and know that non of them showed that they accepted Aaron and I.  At least I had this group of ladies that loved on me.  If I didn't have them I think I would be hopeless.  I do have some ladies our age that have loved on me, but we don't have anyone that calls us up to participate in their lives outside of church gathering.  

But, come on, let's just face it.  I'm really having a HARD time overcoming this eating addiction and therefore HATE being me and in my own skin, so it's hard for me to see why anyone would love me or like being around me.  

After getting home from church I just hit full depression mode.  I couldn't face any of the luggage  I didn't know how to face the journal entries.  I didn't now how to face getting caught up on my regular blog in order to get to do my post of this beach trip.  And, I definitely didn't know how to be strong against my eating addition.  I had a small binge at lunch.  Worked a small bit on the computer and then crashed into a nap.  

I was awoken by a play date scheduled with a super sweet mother of one of Aaris' friends and her daughter.  Aaris loves playing with this friend and love talking and connecting with her.  It was great to spend time with her.  I am in awe of her and all that she faces and how strong she is against all obstacles!

Then, the evening came and Aaron came home.  He took the kids out to eat while I worked on the computer and overate yet again.  

I didn't get to bed until 2:30 AM feeling sick and trying to push through on some of the blogging and journaling.  

July 16

Traveling home.  Not bad.  I still wanted to eat but was able to rain it in.  There were sources of tension that still arose. 

The biggest blow came from my mom.  She asked me if I had been purging.  "WHAT?!?!" is all I could scream in my head.  Urggg!  Come on.  Someone please trust me.  Someone please give me credit for being honest.  I don't know why when I tell everyone that this is a no-holds-bar journal of my journey they can't believe it.  I mean, REALLY, have I not proved that I'm telling all by being so reveling of all my thoughts, feelings, mistakes, and flaws.  I HATE having to prove myself.  I HATE having to defend something that I've done nothing to give reason to give doubt!

After we got home and got the kids to bed, I went straight to the pantry.  I grabbed the peanut butter and headed to the living room to unwind from the stress of the day.  Why?  Why do I have to unwind with food that I know is going to make me feel guilty emotionally and sick physically?  Why to fall back to my old way of thinking which is that I deserve a treat for all of the unpleasant things I had to face that day.  I didn't necessarily binge, but I did overeat because I kept eating when I was full and I ate just to keep comforting myself. 

July 15

I woke up and cringed.  Oh, I had to go down and face the firing squad.  No one said anything about the 'incident' the night before but that doesn't mean you couldn't cut the tension with a knife.  I ate and then went back and ate more.  I knew didn't need the extra food and I wanted it.  I was trying to enjoy something because facing the rest the day like I was feeling seemed overwhelmingly painful.

After I had stuffed down way to many sugar free pancakes I felt sick.  I honestly don't know if it was from the pancakes or from my feelings just sitting their churning my stomach.  I felt amazingly guilty and belittled.  This has to get resolved.  I realized that there is no reason that I should be the one having to walk around with my head hung down like I should be ashamed for being such a bad girl.  I wasn't a bad girl!  Well, it seemed obvious to me that I would have to be the one to pull my parents aside and talk this thing through, and that is what I did.

I first found my dad and talked to him.  I sincerely apologized for worrying them.  Then I told them how upset and belittling their calls and texts made me feel.  He was great and sat there and listened to me.  I then heard his feeling, perspective and concerns.  I understood them to a degree and then I was still upset that it seemed as if he had the right to question me when I had done so much to assure that they knew where I was and what I was doing.  In the end I saw his point of a parent will always worry about their kids because they love them, and he saw my point of view in that it was obvious that they didn't trust me or hadn't taken the time to listen to me about where I was going.

Then came the hard one.  Talking with my mom.  I love her so very very deeply and yet we can really get hurt easily by each other.  Again, I first wanted to apologize for making them worry.  My mom's tone of voice was playful and like "no big deal" when she talked about how they felt about me being out, but I heard a much different tone in their messages the night before.  I pointed this out to her.  This is when how she truly felt came to the surface.  She told me that it bothered her that I went off and had no problem spending hours at some strangers house but could barely give her a few hours during our girl's night out.  Okay, now this I completely understand.  She was hurt.  I relate.  This is how I feel all time by friends that I see go out with each other or get together all the time and yet no one wants to ask me or my family out to eat or get together.  I felt really bad.  She had a right to feel that way.  

I now see that I was being selfish when I went to spend time with the family I had just met.  I did want to be around a group of people that thought only great things about me.  I put my desire to feel free emotionally before the feelings of those in my family.  For that I'm sorry.

Boy was I happy to have talked and cleared the air.  We then spent the rest of the morning on the beach.  I had less energy than the other days but still had a good time.  There were times I just tried to capture memories and pictures in my mind.  I did get some good time with the older ones again.  Enjoyed watching them float hand in hand in their little green tubs out on the waves.

By the time we got back for lunch at the beach house, before I could even get in to eat my mom came out to tell me that I should get to packing early because my dad would want the car all packed up early before the sun goes down.  Well, I was hungry and tired and really didn't take this news well.  I gave them attitude for telling what I needed to do in order to meet their wishes.  My wishes were to treasure the last day on the beach and not spend that precious time packing which could be done after the kids have gone to sleep and captured all the memories they could.  

But, I did break down and did my best to pack everything but the swimming suits and towels we needed for one more trip to the beach, the toiletries, and the food during nap time.  

We went to the beach one last time that evening and everyone else were ready to go after one hour.  I stayed with the kids one more hour.  We only left after an hour because Aaris started feeling really sick.  Hattie figured out later that it was dehydration from not drinking enough water and then spending all of her time in the salt water (which pulls water out of your skin).  

My hardest night as far as eating.  I just had a few leftovers to choose from.  I made myself a salad and yet I couldn't eat it with dressing because if I opened a dressing it would have to be in a cooler all the way home and there was no room for that.  Yet, I got to watch everyone else indulging in pizza.  Just the smell was hard to not cry about.  

Had a great talk with my sister that evening on the porch under the full moon after all of the work had been done.  Really enjoyed it.  She even opened up to me at lunch which was time I will treasure.  I want to be the big sister she can come to and talk things over with.  I want to be someone she can confide in for support.  But, there was one moment that bothered me.  She jumped into her 'teacher tone' and gave me a talk about something she thought I should not do.  It's really hard to be 'pulled aside' for a talking to from a sibling 5 years younger than me.  To be honest it brought back memories from several years back when I was experiencing a ton of difficulty physically before the chiropractor discovered the source of the problems.  I new that my problems weren't caused from stress or anxiety (instead they caused stress and anxiety), yet my sister thought it would be best to talk to me and tell me that I should see a psychiatrist to fix my problems.  Even though she had good intentions, it really felt belittling to me to have her feel like she new what was best for me...more than myself or Aaron.  I know that I've been a mess emotionally for awhile, but I still have good judgement.  Please, anyone, give me a chance.  Trust me and give me a chance.  I know that my pride might be a part of my reaction to her talks, but at the same time it makes me feel more on guard around her.  I will always be wondering when she is going to want to correct me.  She's 'talked' to me before about how I interact with my kids and I'm just always wondering when she is going to feel like she knows best yet again and I will be put in my place.  And, I guess if I get to the heart of it, it just gives me one more thing to doubt about myself.  It gives me one more person to know doesn't trust me, so why should I trust myself. 

It was just a long night.  I had to get the three kids cleaned up and to bed myself.  I had to get all 4 of our bags packed by myself and I had to help get the food and kitchen cleaned up and packed.  Then, I had to face a LONG day of travel the next morning.    

July 14

The kids let me sleep later this day.  My mom had made pancakes for me and Aaris with our special recipe to include no sugar while everyone else got regular pancakes.  I'm really not approved for them yet, but since they were sugar free and I still ate them.  They were pretty good (but not as good as regular ones from a place like IHOP).

Once again I loved my time on the beach.  As soon as we got to the beach I needed to go back to grab chairs and an umbrella forgotten by my parents.  I took the opportunity to take more "background" pictures. 

I asked a friendly question to a group as I was coming back down the beach and they ended up being super fun and chatty.  I think we talked for over 30 minutes.  I love things like that.

I really took the time to play a lot with the kids this mornings.  I had some very precious moments with them.  I just stood in the waves for about 40 minutes with both Titus and Skylyn individually.  Just standing their having my babies wrapped up in my arms in the middle of the waves was priceless.

On the other hand I had a really rough day with Aaris.  All she did was whine, complain and argue.  If we weren't at the beach on vacation I would have sent her to her room for most of the day.

No problem eating the right foods this day, just a hard time stopping my eating/over eating.

Boogie Boarded for a long time in some really big rough waves this evening.  Thought a lot about my attitude towards them.  They seemed more like challenges to conquer instead of seeming like something to just endure.

Great girl's night out with my mom and sister.  We had fun conversation at dinner.  We were gone for about 2 1/2 hours. 

Well, here's where it get complicated.  I had been talking off and on all day at the beach to the same family I had taken the picture of.  I had told them about the Picaboo Photo book I made for Hattie and they said that I was welcome to come by and show it to them.  So, when we got back at 10:00 I wanted to head over there to talk to them.  I was really looking forward to it.  Even though it was about 4 houses down from the boardwalk on the beach, I drove because there was a good possibility of rain (had poured on us in town).  I had told my sister and parents time and time again what house the family was at so I figured they wouldn't have any concerns.  Well, in true Jessica form I ended up staying over there with them talking until 1:00 AM.  I loved hearing about them, their family, and their father who had passed a year ago.  Then, we got into God stories of how he was obviously speaking or leading people's lives.  That lasted about 1 1/2 hours and I just loved every minute.  I truly had a GREAT time with them.  I actually like meeting new people because they have no judgement or pre-conceived ideas about me.  They let me be - at my best version because I feel free. 

Well, I had not taken my purse in the house and when I got back in the car I had 2 missed calls from my mom and 2 texts.  It was the wording of the messages and the tone of them that actually bothered me.  For instance, on text read, "It's time to come back."  My thoughts first went to how sorry I was to  have worried them, but then jumped right into 'what was their problem'?  I had told them time and time again where I was.  They could look out from the porch of the beach house and see theses people's house, their car (I drove) still sitting there.  So, obviously they hadn't listened to me time and time again when I talked to them about this sweet family.  Then, I thought they were treating me like a little girl living at home who had a curfew I had broken.  Um, I'm a 35 year old women who has been living alone with my husband for 13 years.  Then, don't they know and trust me.  Don't they know that I'm a people person and a listener and talker?  Don't they know that I have never picked a friend or acquaintance that wasn't true and safe.  Don't they know that I'm a night owl and that staying up late is no big deal for me.

Well, I got home and texted them back so that if they woke up they would know that I was okay.  Then, I went to sleep dreading waking up!

July 13

I started my day off getting short with my mom.  Was she doing anything wrong?  No, except she didn't have the same perspective on the schedule for the day that I had. 

I, again, hate road trips and we had to do one this day.  (Needed to drive Aaron to another town 1 1/2 hours away so he could fly home in order to get back for work the last two days of the week.)  Therefore I was not looking forward to it and just wanted to get on the road and get it over with before it had even begun.  She, on the other hand, obviously didn't feel that way because she was getting stuff out to make pancakes along with all of the eggs and bacon she had already started cooking. 

Of course there is the underlying feeling of not being treated fairly.  This was coming from the fact that my kids decided to get up with the sun at 6:00 AM (sun was up by 5:45 AM) even though they stayed up later than normal.  My selfish side screams, "That's not fair!"  "It's my vacation, too and I didn't want to be up at 6:00 AM.  Therefore, my mom's not wanting to get this trip started just felt unfair to me personally as well.

I really missed Aaron as soon as we dropped him off. 

Tried to enjoy the museum.  But, for goodness sake it was a museum and not the beach.  I was just happy that we were there with Mimi, Papaw, and Uncle Jeremy.  Oh, and it did make me day dream that my sweet little boy could some day grow up and choose to have a career of some kind that involved service (fireman, armed forces, policeman, missionary, etc.)

I did enjoy the souvenir shops.  It brought back my feeling of when I was a kids and loved buying souvenirs.  I truly enjoyed seeing the kid's faces light up with some of the treasures they found.  I particularly remember Aaris' reaction to a nick-knack figurine that looked like a sandcastle made out of really sand and tiny crystal sparkles.  When she saw them she said, "I. Can't. Breath!"

On our road trip home from the museum (which lasted a couple of hours more than I would have preferred) and lunch (watched everyone else eat burgers, fries, and sodas) I ate some vegetable chips.  I just wanted a few, but I was tempted to go ahead and eat the entire bag.  But, once again I was in the presence of my parents and didn't.

When we did get to the beach I had a BLAST.  I got to ride the boogie board again.  And, my Mom, Dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law, and niece took Skylyn back with them to get started on making the dinner.  This left me with the older two kids.  I had fun burying them in the sand, but my favorite thing was playing chase with them.  Not my first choice but Titus REALLY wanted to and I really wanted to put my kid's first.  He made the water home base (safety) which was brilliant.  Oh, we had fun!  They also stopped and were very patent to let me take more pictures.

This is when something really joyful happened to me:

When I was alone with the kids there was a family that had come down all dressed beautifully in white and taking pictures.  I kept trying to keep away form them so not bother their pictures.  Well, at one point they one of the ladies approached me.  I was for sure she was going to ask me to move because we were disturbing them.  But, instead she asked if I could take their family picture for them so they could all be in it.  I jumped at the chance.  They kind of threw themselves together for a shot.  It wasn't bad at all, but it wasn't anything special.  As I walked away I had this urge to ask them to let me place them in a better arrangement, but I didn't.  But, as time went on, I kept feeling in my gut that I should ask them to let me take a picture of them in more of a nurturing arrangement.  So, I walked over and asked.  They said yes!  I grouped them and just had the best time snapping some shots because They looked so great!  This time I walked off feeling like I had done my best to help capture their family picture.

As we were about to leave, and them too, that same lady approached me.  She gave me a beautiful, "Thank you" and told me that that picture was exactly what they needed.  They has just lost their father to an illness a year ago and this vacation was a big deal for them because it was the first without the grandfather of the whole family.  They really needed a nurturing type of picture and that's what I was able to help them with. 

Wow!  What a great feeling to feel purpose to my day for bring a gift of service and love to someone elses life!

Unfortunately that lead into a bit of a bumpy dinner preparation.  My sweet and servant hearted mom had been preparing and cooking off and on all day to have a huge and delicious dinner of brisket and all the great sides.  One of those was going to be okra.  That was the last thing needed to be ready to eat, but it just wasn't cooking.  When I tried putting my hands in the bowl of uncooked okra to try and stir and cover it more with corn meal I discovered it was frozen instead of de-thawed.  Well, I think this was just the straw that broke my mom's back.  She had been working and working and then I come in and tell her she is cooking it all wrong.  She left the room and I knew she was going off to cry where we couldn't see her to let out her hurt and frustration.  I didn't want her feeling that way because she needed to instead be applauded for all of her hard work in stead of feeling defeated over one side dish.  So, I sent Aaris back to tell her "Thank You" for working so hard to feed us all good food.

The only thing that gave me mixed emotions was when I was getting my plate and my dad just started scooping my okra with my special brown rice flour onto his plate.  I just said, "Oh, dad, stop that's my special okra."  Well, I don't believe the head of the entire family likes being told to "stop" because he sighed very loudly, rolled his eyes, threw down the spoon, and asked why I got a whole bowl of okra for myself.  We tried explaining why.  He didn't care to put back the spoonfuls he had already taken.  This really bothered me.  Then, later, my mom went back for seconds on food and also took some of my okra.  I again got really hurt and angry by this.  Why?  Well, because I didn't get a lot of "treats" to indulge and enjoy this whole vacation like they had constantly.  So, my okra was a very big treat for me because it's hard to cook often.  The side of me that got angry thought that they didn't care enough or have consideration and thoughtfulness to realize that the okra was my one special thing.  They just cared that they wanted to eat what they wanted to eat when they wanted to eat it.  So, to stop myself from sitting there and fuming (which I was already doing) I tried to see then positive.  The positive was that the were going to see that cooking with healthier options can be very delicious as well and maybe in the future they may be more inclined to eat differently for the benefit of their health.

One thing I wasn't sure about was something I had read in the book "Made to Crave" that day.  It said that I needed an accountability partner in this new eating pledge.  I should have someone who could go through the same eating as me and check in with them constantly in order to keep our motivations high an our goal in sight.  Well, I just don't think I can have that.  Unfortunately I burned to many bridges with my brokenness and neediness up to this point.  

July 12

My greatest joy of the day was being the photographer this morning for all of our family group and individual portraits.  It truly made me feel good to have a 'job' to do!

Enjoyed the simple things like building a sandcastle and searching for seashells.

Overate at lunch with a little too much meat and one rice cake I didn't need, but just wanted.

I had 3 terrible dreams at nap.  So, that plus not wanting my kids to miss out on fun because of my sleeping got me up and out to the pool with them.  This let me see Titus still feeling really comfortable in the water, Aaris really desiring to practice swimming strokes and the first time, and Skylyn becoming more confident at jumping in to the pool all by herself and swimming back to the ladder to do it again.

Went out to eat with just us siblings and spouses while Mimi and Papaw took care of all of the grand kids.  Had to keep reminding myself to be thankful for what I could eat and about enjoying the company and conversation at dinner instead of focusing on the food I couldn't eat.

Had a great walk on the beach with Aaron that night seeing the full moonlight on the waves.  We even saw some fireworks off in the distance.  But, I found myself having a hard time concentrating because I kept getting anxious and occupied with my health.  I just wasn't feeling really good and that made me nervous that something could happen to me on the beach and no one could get help in time.  Aaron was talking about his worries and concerns with raising our girls after what he had been reading in a new book call "Strong Father, Strong Daughters."

I told him about the new book I just started reading, "Made to Crave."  (thanks chelle for the referral)  It's hard to put down because I feel like the author and I have walked the very same path with food.  I feel myself in every page she writes.

Laughter of the day:  Skylyn went tee-tee in a bucket on the beach because the house was locked while others went out for a bit.

July 11

I ate a little more than I wanted at certain meals (breakfast and dinner), but otherwise eating went well.

I had a GREAT time on the boogie board.  I love doing physically challenging things with my body.  It makes me feel strong and makes me like my body for being capable of overcoming obstacles.

Aaron took pictures of me in my swimming suit diving and swimming at the pool and after viewing them I felt better than normal.  I didn't feel like I looked too chunky so that always makes me feel more comfortable.

I did snap back at my dad when he came to tell us dinner was ready.  I think has everything to do with my perspective of the way he told us the food was ready.  To me his tone and the way he phrased it were intended to make me feel guilty for not already being their as if I was a little kid and he was coming to get on to me for not obeying him.  So what did I do.  I got defensive and fought back.  I immediately felt guilty though.

This day proved to me that Skylyn was completely potty trained.  Even though we had been mostly out of the house all day at the beach or at the potty, she stopped to tell me that she needed to potty.  And, twice she told me she needed to go poo-poo and she did!  

July 10

For the most part a good day.

My day started with having a talk with my brother about my eating such as why I'm eating this way, how my eating restrictions are getting more flexible, and how my eating has let me not have to worry about episodes that would send me to the hospital.  I also asked me to be aware of what he chose to eat.  He had declared the night before that it was his vacation and no one could tell him what he had to eat.  Well, this might not be very thoughtful of the fact that this is my vacation as well.  So, I asked that if he wanted extra of anything we ate that he would first question if what he ate could be something I could eat as leftover than maybe he not eat so much of it.  This would help me because I really didn't feel like completely cooking every meal from scratch on my vacation.  Any leftovers would be very helpful to me.

He also brought up how he didn't like me restricting Aaris' eating, so I needed to explain more of her eating to him as well.  Why she has needed to eat without sugar, and how her eating is becoming more flexible and more sugar has been allowed. 

What really bothered me was how our conversation started out.  I knew as of last night that I needed to talk to him in a very adult and mature way to just go ahead and clear the friction I could feel starting up between us.  Unfortunately, my being on edge about stuff between us already had lead to me stating out loud that "My kids already have a parents and they don't need another one (referring to Jeremy)."  So, when I recognized this as a definitely sign that something needed to change and therefore asked him to step away and talk with me it led straight to a lot of drama.  He pretty much got very defensive and started to through a fit in response and that made me jump right into mother mode attitude of 'I'm not going to tolerate a fit.'  But, I'm very thankful that we talked through it all and were happy around each other the rest of the trip.

I had a really fun time taking pictures at the beach and watching my kids enjoy the sand and waves.

I did also get to experience some remarkable.  Titus, just a week earlier when swimming was scared to swim in the deep end of the pool with his floaty on because he wasn't confident that the floaty would hold him up in the deep water.  But this day after I convinced him to take off his vest to practice diving for toys on the pool steps ended up turning into a complete swimmer.  REALLY!  After playing on the steps for a while he agreed to trying to swim to me.  I was very close, but over the matter of about 15-20 minutes I had worked my way to the middle of the pool and he was swimming all the way out to me and then back.  Well, that did it!  He then wanted to swim over to Aaris in the deep in.  After he did he climbed the steps and just jumped into the deep in without a hesitation and swam to the side all by himself.  I then helped him dive for toys in the deep end by pushing him down to grab them and pulling him back up.  Then, he took some of the toys and started jumping into the more shallow in and retrieving the toys and swimming back to the side again all by himself!!  Again, this was someone who at the beginning of the trip to the pool was nervous about putting his head under far enough to reach the toys on the steps of the pool much less the bottom of the pool!  It was just REMARKABLE to witness!

That evening we sang happy birthday to Hattie and everyone else ate cake to celebrate her belated 30th birthday.  I presented her with my gift which was a bond photo scrapbook of the first 30 years of her life.  I had tears running down my cheeks as she opened it, but she didn't.  I hope it's only due to the fact that she is not as emotional as I am.  But, it's probably also due to the fact that I had spent about 100 hours or more of my time making it just perfect yet that time is hard to see in the finished product.

Downloaded pictures I had taken from the first day and it did make me not like my body!

At snack time that day I did want to stuff my face with a bag full of vegetable chips but since my dad was watching I didn't eat the whole thing.

July 9

If I wouldn't have been with my parents in the car, I would have eaten more of my way to the beach.  This is because 1.)  I was dreading having to be in a swimming suit for a week 2.)  I was anxious about being with my family for a week and how they might treat me due to my eating choices or due to my past  3.)  I hate traveling and I always like to eat in order to make my misery more enjoyable.

Everything before lunch went pretty fast.  This could have been due to the fact that I slept off and on or that I drove part of the time.  But, the afternoon took forever!  It was so irritating and frustrating and uncomfortable that all I wanted was food and it's quick enjoyment.

Then, I dealt with mixed emotions.  I really felt for my sister and their car hitting heavy traffic and yet I had sat in a car of seven people (3 being kids) and we had to be the ones in  charge of stopping to get groceries and dinner for everyone.  I do want to note that I am grateful for her selflessness to give us tips on how to avoid their terrible run in with traffic.  It's just my problem for having feelings of anger when they text pictures of them on the beach while we are running around a very crowded Wal-Mart and the guys chasing three hungry, tired and restless kids outside in the parking lot.

One hard moment was hearing everyone talk about all of their sugar filled baked goodies.  Then, there was my brother who was trying to refusing to eat the vegetables we had cooked for dinner.  When he declared, "It's my vacation, too, and I can eat what I want!" angered me.  Why?  It was more about my feeling like he was showing no appreciation for me and my mom spending the first hours of our vacation shopping for food, preparing the food, and then cooking the food while he got to enjoy the beach and just hanging out.

As I was getting ready for bed I must admit that I had a quick thought about how I was not close to any hospital.  So, here I am a year after my first huge potassium scare and I'm still having to fight off thoughts of "what ifs" and all of my anxious fears.  Can' let them run my life any more.

The Day Before

It's the day before we leave for our big family beach vacation, so I  spent the day packing.  Got up later than expected but still had breakfast with my kids.  Aaris really likes getting the other two their breakfasts and even making them things like cinnamon toast.  Then, I needed to take a bath and really exfoliate myself because a lady was coming over to airbrush tan me!  Gotta love Groupon!  What sold me was that it was an all natural spray.  She just popped a tent up right in my bedroom and the kids were entertained for a good 15 minutes.  It sounds stupid, but having my skin look more tanned did make me feel better.

Well, as soon as she was done, we ran some important errands.  The first was to Sprouts the more all natural grocery store.  We had to pick up some items we needed to take on the trip in order for Aaris and I to eat our special diet.  Then it was off to the library.  We were able to check out some good books and educational DVDs for the kids.  I even checked out a book just recommended to me by a friend called "Made To Crave." (Thanks Chelle) 

We got home in time for a lunch of leftovers.  Needed to use up as much of the food as possible.  Aaris and I did have an incident.  She thought her spaghetti was too hot so she wanted to put it in the freezer for a minute.  But, she didn't pick a wise choice and didn't ask me for help, so it ended up falling and splattering and spilling everywhere.  Was I annoyed.  Yes.  I had just sat down with my food.  But, I jump up and started to clean it up for her.  She was in tears.  I told her that yes, it was frustrating, but accidents do happen.  I was really having to work hard to not have to negative of a tone in my voice or making my choice of words too harsh.  But, she just kept crying while I sat there doing all of the work.  As I'm halfway through, she just says with an annoyed voice that she's still hungry.  Well, negative just took me over.  I told her I had no problem with coming over to help clean up her mistake, but he selfish attitude of not helping but instead standing there and crying and complaining about how she is still hungry just made my servant heart turn into a hurt and angry heart.  I tried to tell her that all I would desire from coming over to serve her in love was thankfulness.

Well, after we settled back down and ate our food I put Skylyn down for nap.  Then began "THE CHORE".  I had been dreading this for the past 3 months....picking out my clothes for the trip.  That meant I was going to have to actually try on my clothes and realize how bad my body size had grown.  Well, I must have still been on a high from the airbrushed tan, but it really wasn't horrible.  There were some outfits that still fit nicely.  It still took about 2 hours to get it all together with outfits, jewelry, shoes, hats, nightwear, hygiene products, but I wasn't depressed through it.  That was SHOCKING to me!  That helped me to just keep on pressing on until I couldn't any more.  It felt good to be pretty much packed by the time we met up with my parents to eat and load the car for the trip.

After dinner, I ran some errands.  Kohl's to look for a new swimming suit - nope.  Ulta for make-up replenishing - check.  Wal-Mart for new flash card for my camera (ours is very old and not working well) - check.  Academy to find a swimming suit - check (This turned out to be more fun than I thought and I found a great suit for 30% off!  To the post office to mail letters to old owners of our house - check.  Walgreen's to pick up my prescription refill and bottle of Diet Coke for my dad - check.  From front door to front door - 1 1/2 hours.  Not bad. 

Now, the rest of my house is pretty picked up and cleaned up and I'm ready to get to bed.  Tomorrow is a long day of travel.  This can be hard for me because I like eating in a car!

One thing I'm really looking forward to - focusing on the kids because I will have nothing around the house I need be doing, or some activity I need to drive the kids around with me in order for me to participate.

Oh, and a big accomplishment for today - Skylyn went poo-poo in the potty again after nap!

Bible verses (You had me open up to Matthew 6:7 - 8:9):

Love Matthew 6: 25 - 34

and Matthew 7: 1-6

and Matthew 7: 7-12

Numbing Out

So, I've tried to spend most of today numbing out the fact that we leave in two days for our trip and I can't fit into any of my skinny clothes.  In a matter of 3 months I've managed to eat myself right into my old more plump size.  Today I really haven't eaten a lot of bad food, just A LOT of "free food."  I've also postponed things that need to get done.  Not on purpose.  I just really don't want to face clothes, which is something I need to pack and even buy (need a swimming suit).  I also don't want to drag my kids around to store after store with me.  I've enjoyed their company and don't want them to just feel like something I drag around to all of my personal errands.

Well, there are a few things I think I did well today.  I took the kids to a planned activity with our church group after they put up with driving and waiting around during my chiropractic appointment.  And, I put aside my inconvenience and my wanting to be alone and numbed out in order to still hold Care Group (Bible study) at our house for the benefit of the group.  (It was great because a new family came and we would love to have them in our study and develop a supportive, Christ centered relationship with them.)

Verses I Openned Up To:

Luke 1:37 -38

(The angel answered...)"For nothing is impossible with God."  "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered.  "May it be to me as you have said."  Then the angel left her. 

Luke 1:45

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"

 Dear God, I so very much long to be your servant and to not only believe in what you have said You will accomplish but also be content with whatever it is you desire to accomplish in my life.

Still Found Treasure

I woke up this morning pretty "hung-over", for lack of a better word, from my terribly long night of eating not so great of food, and being fearsome, of feeling overwhelmed and incapable, and thinking about the last couple of days, and numbing myself to/avoiding the thoughts of the last two days.  I was up until 4:00 AM and didn't even have the desire to change clothes before I got in bed. 

When I went to bed I was NOT looking forward waking up.  I hit the snooze over and over, but in between bouts of being awake I heard Titus and Aaris laughing and talking down the hall.  When I finally got up, they were so joyful.  I unexpectedly walked into a very clean and thoughtfully picked up house.  The worst areas (Titus and Aaris' room, and the kitchen) were almost spotless.  I could see in every room where the kids had been in there and had loving left their mark of service.  Even when I told them I would cut up some watermelon as a treat, they didn't exactly want to stop.  Therefore, they went and made up my bed while I cut watermelon - precious kids!

I was able to make myself take my first bath in 3-4 days.  And that felt good.  But, what I couldn't shake was my body being uncomfortable and feeling weird.  Was this a result of my body not responding well to the food of my night binge or was this due to something else.  I had purposely eaten watermelon because I knew that it passed through me quickly and I thought it could help me flush out my body of all of the junk I ate in the middle of the night.  But, then there is the fact that a lot of my potassium drops last year were a result of my body taking in too much sugar - simple sugars as well as sugar from a lot of fruit at one time.  Was my body not liking all of the watermelon I put in it.  Was I experiencing a potassium drop?  I ended up taking a half of a potassium pill to just put my mind at ease.

It's a good thing that Skylyn had gone over to Aaron's parents last night and that I needed to get out to pick her up.  It really forced me to be productive with my morning.  We were able to get some errands run, but the whole time I couldn't relax because I felt so bad.  Not to mention I got hit hard by my "monthly visitor" and was having to get to the bathroom frequently to stay on top of the situation. 

I had planned on just eating watermelon all day to really clean myself out, but when I got home and felt so weak and strange, I grabbed the bag of rice cakes for lunch.  I ate one whole sleeve of rice cakes, then ate a bowl of some leftover brussel sprouts, and then ate another sleeve of rice cakes.  At this point, for some reason I remembered the phrase I had just written yesterday, "get busy living or get busy dying."  So, I pulled myself out of my chair, turned off the tv and went up to the front of the house to start working on the laundry I had been postponing.  The kids then told me they were hungry and I discovered that Skylyn hadn't taken her nap (since she took a cat nap in the car), so it looked like snack time had arrived.  This is when I decided that we needed to get productive. 

After nap we went to the recycle center, Walgreen's, H-E-B, and the bank.  I then wanted to do something fun with them when I got home, so I said I would clip all of their nails and paint the girl's.  They were very excited and we had a good time.  Aaron then had a fantastic time playing with all of them while I cooked dinner.  I didn't eat it (sugar free spaghetti) because I wanted to eat a salad, because once again, that passes through me quickly and I was still wanting to feel cleaned out after last night. 

Tonight has just been working on the laundry and cleaning up the kitchen.  I wish I hadn't wasted all night not getting the laundry done.

But, here are the things I TREASURE about the day and how I prefer to remember it:
-  Hearing the kids laughing and enjoying each other first thing this morning.  They had just switched who slept on the top bunk (now Titus) and who slept on the bottom bunk (now Aaris) last night and they were still enjoying the happiness of experiencing something new. 
-  While at the grocery store Titus needed to go to the restroom.  While we were waiting for him to come out I just decided to wrap my arms around Aaris and just hold her in a long hug until he came out.  I rarely remember to do things like that, and it really felt great!
-  I truly looked forward to seeing Aaron and saw him in the loving way I remembered from the beginning of our relationship.

What I Do Know

I posted my entry about yesterday only because I felt like the integrity of this year's journey would be compromised if I didn't.  I want to stay true to every step of the journey even if that means that all of the wrong steps are recorded as well. 

So, today, this is what I do know:

1.)  God is merciful to me
2.)  My kids are a gift from God.  God has bestowed His grace upon them and made them wonderful in spite of my messed up parenting.
3.)  I have some great friends who go out of their way to make my family feel loved.
4.)  Aaron is a man who has love like no other.  He is a man set apart by his patience, his forgiveness, he humility, his understanding, his ability to never give up in what he believes in, his ability to see the good in everyone, and his ability to find true joy in life when  life gives him no reason to find joy.
5.)  Aaron is what I have described him to be since he first loved me: God's gift of saving grace here on earth.  Really, I honestly say from the depths of my soul that I don't believe I would be alive today without God's mercy of honoring me with the partnership of Aaron as my best friend and my love here on this earth.
6.)  I have got to learn to love in every way.  It must start with me learning to love myself or even like myself.  AND, it has to NOT be "for what I have done or what I will become" (words from JJ Heller song titled "Love Me").  This will be life changing.  If I can learn to stop beating myself up, I will think that no one else will have a reason to as well.  But, honestly, as of right now, I do believe that everyone has a reason to not love me. 
7.)  I need to honor my sensitive heart, but understand how to take care of it and how to control it.  I desire other people's love so strongly, more than any of them conceive, that I believe they have no right to not love me back.  That has to change.  The truest form of love is the kind that can love even when you know it will never be returned.  God and Jesus demonstrate this in Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
8.)  I mustn't just stop fighting my enemies, I must do what is opposite my fleshly nature and even start praying for them.  I realized when talking to Aaron that I do fight ugly.  Why?  Well, because the last thing I have ever wanted to do was hurt someone emotionally.  I never want to be in that arena.  Therefore, I have never learned how to throw a good blow to someone emotionally.  So, when I do feel like I've been punched emotionally and I end up stepping into that arena in order to try to punch them back emotionally, I end up scratching, biting, and pulling hair due to the fact I never wanted to learn a good punch.  So, I must against all odds, stay out of the emotional fighting arena because I will never win and it will always turn out ugly.  Also, Aaron brought up Matthew 5:38-48 a couple of weeks ago after thinking about me.  When he came home today he felt inclined to bring up the same passage.  I was completely against it a couple of weeks ago, but I know today that it is something I have no choice in.  This needs to become a part of my daily walk.
9.)  God is 100%, without a doubt, entwined in my life.  God speaks to me.  God parts waters for me.  God is not only in every step of my life, but every breath as well.  For instance, today I know of three ways:  He had me hear song after song, this morning about how he loves me NO MATTER WHAT and that there is still HOPE for me ("You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets, and "Strong Enough" by Matthew West to name two); when Aaron got home (we really hadn't talked since our one phone call conversation yesterday mid-day) God some how got the kids to be happily occupied for about an hour without once coming into the office where we ended up having a very mending talk (truly unbelievable if you knew how my kids usually are at that time of the day especially if they know their Daddy is home), and God had Aaron's mind be drawn to the same scripture in order to present it to me again.
10.)  God doesn't break a promise and is true to what he says.  He has told me a lot over the last year and I need to trust in His words to me and not in only what I can see, hear, touch, taste, and feel (physically and emotionally).
11.)  I need to "get busy living or get busy dying" - quote at the end of the movie "Shawshank Redemption" that I finished that last 10 minutes of tonight.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

I just don't know anymore.  Is what I'm doing right or wrong?  Is what other's are doing right or wrong?  Is what I'm feeling and experiencing the truth or not?  Is what other's feel and experience the truth?  Is how I treat other right or wrong?  Is how other's treat me right or wrong?

I couldn't post last night because I didn't even know where to begin.  I didn't know what to make of the day.  After the kids went to bed all I could get myself to do was to lay down and go to sleep.  Too much stuff to process and frankly, I didn't and still don't know how to process it in the right way!

Aaron's parents had called me last week and told me that they wanted to spend the 4th of July with us.  They were designating Sunday and Monday to just hanging out with us.  I had different plans of just kicking back as our only little family of 5, but this was one of the first times that they acted like they really wanted to go out of their way to spend quality time with our family unit.  They both work and I know that it's a big deal to take time off from work or to use their holidays off not just for themselves but for other's as well.  I've witnessed them using these precious free times of theirs to fly up and spend time with Aaron's brothers or take vacations with Aaron's brother's families, but they really haven't set aside those precious times for us.  I am in no way saying that they don't do great things for us!  They like to have the kids over.  They like to eat out with us.  They have kept the kids for me so many times when I have needed to have a doctor appointment.  But, the 'first fruits' of their time, especially if I'm involved, well, not so much.  I have even had sadness that they have lived close for the births of my kids because they stop by the hospital when it's convenient for them.  They come over to see the baby when it's convenient around their other activities, jobs or events.  Where as when my sister-in-law had her babies, they were there for the whole birth, hospital stay, coming home, and first couple of days, WITHOUT interruption and WITHOUT distraction.  When they go to see others any place else other than Austin the people they see get their undivided attention.  They truly get to know them, understand them, treasure them.  But, since we live so close, we can be blown off more because I guess they think that maybe they could always find another time to really spend time with us in a way that they would know us more, and treasure us more...see our special qualities and quarks.  BUT, that time has YET to be set apart.  So, when I got their call and their request.  I decided that this was an opportunity that I needed to take advantage of.

Here's the catch.  I've had such a rocking relationship with my in-laws, and in particular my mother-in-law, that things can be uncomfortable.  Since the first moment I met my in-laws I've wanted nothing but to have them love me.  Every other relationship I was in, my boyfriend's parents and I respected and loved each other.  There were even a couple of times that I knew I needed to end the relationship with my boyfriend but since his parents and I adored each other so much I put it off longer than I should have because I didn't want to lose that special bond with his parents.  Well, it has never been that way with Aaron's parents.  I've put myself out there over and over and over again.  But, almost every time, especially if I was being the flawed, real me, I have been hurt.  I've been disrespected, unaccepted, looked down upon, degraded.  This has never been just to my face either.  Things have been said for anyone and everyone all to see and hear and therefore has led to other extended members of the family to look down upon me as well in the same way.  No one holds me up with any esteem.  Aaron says this is not the truth.  Am I wrong in how I see and hear them treat me?  It certainly doesn't feel like it, but could I be that wrong for 14 years?

Okay, Sunday night I'm told that they will definitely be at our house no later than 10:00 AM to go swimming with us, and they might even like to show up at 9:00 AM in time for our neighborhood parade.  So, we had plans.  When I wake up on Monday, I decide to go ahead and let the kids participate in the parade.  Since Aaron's parents were going to be coming over anyway, they should really enjoy watching the kids in the parade.  About the very time I make this decision I get a call from Aaron's parents.  They tell me they have been up for awhile and have been working in their yard.  They have decided not to come over.  They instead want to work on some plants in their yard.  WHAT?  IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!!  I've put myself out their, and this time my kids, too, and once again I have been put out there only to be let down and cast aside for plants.  They told me they don't have any other time to work on them.  Really?  When they fly to Dallas do they just decide they have other, more important chores to do and just leave who they are staying with?  Anyway, the kids and I participate on bikes in our parade.  The kids wanted to go swimming with their grandparents, but since they now were not going to be coming over I decided to not just sit around.  We went to watch the City of Round Rock's parade.  The kids had a great time running after the thrown candy.  I had a horrible time dropping my brand new, just paid to have made, keys to my car, down the drainage ditch along the sidewalk.

After the parade I spend all the time I could asking help form the police officers, City of Round Rock road workers and such.  I didn't want to make the kids or Aaron wait so I called to see if Aaron's parents were now on their way and close enough to pick me up.  Oh, no, they had now decided that they needed to go shopping.  So instead, we loaded up in the car and head home.  I saw the HUGE line of cars that were across the opposite direction of lanes that we were in, but needed to get to in order to go home in our normal way.  Me, always thinking in ways of directions and shortcuts and how to get from here to there in the fastest and smartest way, suggested that Aaron head in a different direction than normal to avoid having to cut across lanes of traffic while trying to squeeze into a traffic jam.  He did, but instantly started gripping.  I kept telling him where he could turn in order to go the back way I knew of.  Well, when we finally got to the shortcut/back way he complained about why I had taken him this way. 

This is where I get confused.  In my thoughts I'm thinking. WHAT?  Really, you want to question me on directions.  I have been places I've never been before and without maps and always have found how to get where I need to go in a fast and effective way.  One of Aaron's only weaknesses (besides coke and a hamburger...lol) is not having the best sense of directions.  I still continually have to remind him of where to turn when we need to get places.  (In fact during this fight on the way home I had to tell him twice where to turn on streets he already should know by heart.)  But, he has the right to insinuate that my since of direction and my judgement in direction is untrustworthy?  Things like this cut me deep.  They pull the rug out from underneath me.  I don't have a lot in life left to like about myself.  After all the ways that I've been hurt and all the mistakes I've made, there are not very many things that I can feel confident about myself.  One of those few things is my keen sense of direction, so when someone distrusts those and cuts me down in that area, it really cuts right through me.  To add insult to injury the same type of thing had just happened 2 days ago.  One of the other things I feel confident about is my grasp and ability to know how to play sports.  I, even as a little kid, could pick up on any sport and play it pretty well.  Two days before I was helping Aaris practice a sport on the Wii game.  Aaron, in front of the rest of the kids and his father said that Aaris was doing better before I has started working with her.  First off, that wasn't true, and second off, why would he say something degrading like that about his wife in front of others?

This is one of those areas I'm now confused and questioning.  Aaron always knows those ways to sucker punch me.  Here's the catch.  He claims that he doesn't know he's doing anything hurtful.  I know that this is probably the truth.  Why?  Well, because all of the rest of his family does the same thing.  They all know how to say things in a way that's hurtful, but they make it sound like a joke, or like they are the expert on something in a way that it's almost impossible to debate them and therefore it can never be disputed.  Because, if you disputed it, you would seem to be in the wrong for not having a funny attitude about it.  He's what I believe the truth to be:  NO ONE SHOULD EVER JOKE AT THE EXPENSE OF SOMEONE ELSES FEELINGS!  Well, Aaron's family has never followed that rule.  Anyone and everyone, and any and everything someone has ever done has been up for grabs for a 'good' laugh.  So, here is the catch 22.  I see the truth to be not to do anything that could hurt someone, they see the truth to be that if they didn't 'mean' to be hurtful than it's not hurtful.  What is right?  What is wrong?  What is the truth?  What is not the truth?  And just to be fair, I have members on my own side of the family that also joke at the expense of someone else's feelings.  Now, going back to the above happening of me getting hurt by Aaron's words of distrust - Again, what is the truth?  Again, he and his whole family are very educated people, and they are also all naturally (or just by growing up with each other) all great at debating and not stopping until they win because they can pull in their education.  They always think that knowledge negates feelings.  Am I wrong in thinking this is wrong?  Again, I don't know for sure what the truth is.  Am I not seeing the truth because I'm what they all say:  too emotionally sensitive?  This leads me into my last question in this area.  If someone has a habit of these types of actions and really is unaware that they really do hurt other people, does that make them excusable.  Should their actions always be waved because of their being unaware of the pain they cause - their ignorance makes them innocent?  What is right?  What is the truth?  Seriously, I don't know!

So, right into the next thing I now question.  Do I play ugly?  Do I play unfair?  Am I wrong for fighting back when I get hurt?  After Aaron said those things (about my decision making on directions) I started asking him if I should question him on the things that he does well?  And, then I just starting naming off questions that I could ask about all the things he does.  By the time I got out of the car he told me that I'm the most angry and too overly sensitive person he know and that is what makes me ugly!  PUNCH IN MY GUT, or more like MY HEART!  WHAT?  He really thinks this way about me?!?!  Because I fight back, that is what I am - ugly and angry?  This is my truth:  I fight back hard because I'm been hit and hurt and pounded on in the same area that I can't help but be sore, broken, and protective of that area.  Is this right or wrong?

By this time we are home and now it's just a feelings fight.  He didn't like how it felt to be hurt as much as I didn't like how felt to be hurt.  He tells me that he's all I've got, and if that I want him to be back on my team I need to ask him to be back on my team.  I try to tell him that when he sucker punches me like the way he has been that it doesn't feel like he's on my team.  But, at this point he keeps talking over me and telling me that I'm "spewing lies" and won't let me talk.  I finally have to yell and ask him respect me enough and respect what I have to say enough to just stop talking long enough so that I can finish my thoughts and where I'm coming from so he can understand my answer.  He says fine, but less than a minute into my trying to explain he starts butting in over my words again.  Really, that's all the respect I deserve.  This is exactly what I was TRYING to explain to him.  I was trying to tell him that it's hard to invite someone back on your team when you don't feel like they have your back all the time.  BUT, he wouldn't respect my words enough.  He just kept yelling at me that I was "spewing lies."  I grab my purse and tell him, "I'm done!"  I leave him.  Yes, I mean leave him.  I was ready to go move into someone else's house for awhile.  My house was not safe for me to be in.  Was I wrong?  With my belief in God and marriage, I do believe I was wrong, but from a protective, self-defense point of view, no I don't believe I was wrong.  What is the real truth here?  I don't know!

As I'm pulling out of the drive-way, Aaron's parents finally show up and are pulling into the drive-way.  Oh, great.  Once again, even though I feel right in my actions, they will have more fuel to add to their fire of reasons to not like me.  I call everyone I would feel comfortable staying with and no one answers.  So, I pull my car over and call my mom and talk to her until the City Workers call me to see if they can meet me to try and help me retrieve my keys.  Aaron calls but I don't want to answer.  And, I definitely don't want to go home because it will be them three against me.  That doesn't feel like a safe place emotionally for me.  But, he finally texts and asks me to please call him.  NOW he will listen to me.  It sucks that I had to walk out on him to have him decide that he might want to take time to listen to me.  But, honestly, I think he really doesn't want to hear what I have to say.  He is just chalking this up to one of Jessica's "episodes" and just wants to go through the passes to get past it and on with his planed activities for the day.

I call and we talk.  I explain to him that no one wants to be a part of a team where they don't feel respected, valued, or even liked.  Why?  Because you know that even though you are giving everything your full effort, it does no good when no one will pass you the ball at a perfect opportunity to advance the team in the game (score, assist, get the opponent out of the way, etc.).  You just end up being a bench warmer.  Then, after a long time of being a bench warmer you start to think of yourself as just that.  You are just good enough to watch your team with a VIP seat, but not good enough to really be a participating member.  You have nothing to contribute.  But, every once in while, sitting on the bench you get that fire lit underneath you that says that you are a value to this team and you really could make some great moves and play for your team, so you give it your all again.  But, no matter how hard you try to prove yourself worthy, you only get shot down again and get put back in your assumed position as a bench warmer.  Therefore, when Aaron told me that I needed to ask him to be back on my team, my answer feels like it should be "no."  BUT, I love him!  And, I want the answer to be, "yes", so something is going to have to change.  That is all I wanted to say when he kept talking over me telling me that my words were lies.

He said he wanted me back home.  I didn't want to, but I did go home and just went in the back door.  I was not ready to have to interact with his parents.  They all left for lunch.  I grabbed a bag of vegetable chips and sat down and ate the whole thing while watching t.v..  I wasn't strong enough to live up to my Declaration at this point.  When they got home I was cleaning up the kitchen and they all acted like nothing happened.  Was this a good thing or not?  I don't know.  Aaron and I left to go and try to fish out my keys.  I would have liked to have gone by myself, to show that I can clean up my own messes, but I really didn't feel like getting hit by a car as I was on the side of the road bent over with my head down the gutter.  We didn't talk much and after negative comments started coming out of my mouth I told him that since I couldn't say anything nice I didn't feel like I should talk.  Aaron's mom went back to play Wii with the older two kids since she had never played.  When we got home we all went back and played.  It was fun except that Titus got sent to his room for throwing a fit and hitting Aaris when he didn' win.  (We all knew that this was him just being really exhausted from all of the hot outdoor activities of the morning.) 

After they were done playing Wii and I had started getting some stuff prepared for dinner I suggested we finally let the kids go swimming.  The kids had a great time.  Earlier that morning I had called Aaron's dad's phone before they left their house and told them to bring their suits because we weren't going to go swimming until they got there, but for some reason he didn't check his phone and therefore they didn't bring their suits.  So, they just sat on the side of the pool.  I think they would have liked to have been done 40 minutes earlier than we left, but frankly, at this point I decided to put my kids before them and we stayed until they had really had some quality time in the pool.  Was I wrong?  Probably, yes.  Something cool did happen though.  I got to work with Titus and he accomplished something he had never done.  He dove far enough down (without a life vest) to reach a sunken swim toy that was on the floor of the pool!  He had been okay with reaching for it on the bottom step of the pool, but never off of the steps.  It was such a joy to be able to encourage and coach him through that!

We went back and I made Albert a steak dinner I needed to fix him for several years.  He helped me assemble Aaron's new grill a couple of years ago and asked for me to cook him a steak dinner in return.  Well, that time had just never been set aside, but not today.  Steak for everyone.  Was I wrong to have forgotten about the steak dinner for that long?  Yes. 

Now, for a JOY moment of the day.  Since the beginning of the summer I had decided to get Skylyn completely potty trained.  She had been pretty much doing it already because she would keep her diaper dry most of the time.  But, now she was in underwear all of the time.  She was keeping them dry all the time every day.  BUT, she had yet to go poo-poo in the potty.  There were 3 times when she pooped in her panties, but the rest of the time she would wait until I put a diaper on her at nap and bedtime to go poop.  But, last night she started holding her bottom and making uncomfortable faces.  She would say that she didn't need to go poo-poo yet totally act like it.  I knew that she was just scared of poo-pooing in the potty.  So, while everyone finished washing up the dishes I planted Skylyn on the potty and read her a stack of books.  She squirmed and grimmest and fidgeted the whole time.  Then finally, about 4 minutes after Aaron's parents had said good night and left she sat really still.  I looked up and she was making a very confused face, but I heard two big plops in her potty.  I asked if her if she had gone poop and with a bit of surprise in her facial expression and voice yelled yes.  I started yelling and clapping for her and then Aaron, Titus and Aaris ran in to yell and clap for her!!!  We all did her potty power dance and celebrated.  It may sound weird, but it was a beautiful way to end my day!  I got to watch my daughter overcome something she had been avoiding because of the unknown of what it would be like or feel like.  I admired her. 

So, buy this time it was around 9:00 PM and my body, mind and spirit had had enough.  I got in bed and didn't leave until I woke up this morning.