August 21

Woke up later than I wanted but still squeezed in a walk, a quick bath, cooking my eggs for breakfast, preparing food and drinks for the rest of the morning, and doing the girl's hair before we left to be on time for church.  

No, I still don't like my hair that much, but I felt like wearing an outfit that felt strong so that I would feel strong walking into church.  The outfit was a pink, sporty dress that I wore with some deep blue fun high heels.  Everyone liked my hair and it made me feel good.

Class was good and I have fallen in love with the hearts of the women in there.  I know that I'm missing out on the relationship building in the class of other parents my age, but that is not what I need to focus on right now.  I need to focus on healing.

We ate with friends at Jason's Deli for lunch which was a nice change from our normal lonely selves.  I had the salad bar with my dressing I brought from home.  The only thing I had different than normal was hummus with my carrots.  Didn't test high for them 4 or so months ago, but knew they were a "free" food for most NRT patients and hoped that it would be true for me at this stage of my recovery.

I got a little intimidated by my friends frankness on an issue I talked to her about, but I was glad to know about her point on view on Aaris as a student (she taught her in the 1st grade Sunday morning Bible class).  Made me know that I really need to talk to Aaris about being a student continuously throughout the year and have frequent check-ins with her teacher on suggestions for changes and habit practices.

Came home and slept.  Didn't necessarily want to because I wanted to get my house clean, but didn't want to face the mess of the house that needed cleaned even more.  Therefore I slept and slept.  When I woke up Aaron was gone to pick up a pizza for him and the kids and they were going to watch a movie.  I decided to eat a bag of vegetable chips and finish catching up on this blog.  I also started (stress the word started) to tackle the mess in the office.  I had a really great idea for what I wanted to get accomplished the next day.  Went to be with hope.

Ended with Hope - August 20

Today, man, it was just a fight!  I woke up and had really wanted to get up earlier and work outside on all of the hedges while Aaron mowed.  Yep, that didn't happen so I already felt like I had wasted a morning.  I took a shower and tried to attempt fixing my hair again.  Two days ago I tried for the first time and it was a disaster!  Well, not much better today.  YUCK!  I can't stand it.  The coloring is terrible and I just can't get it to fall right.  On top of that I had wasted so much time working on it that we were an hour late leaving to go and get Aaris and Titus from my parents. 

When we called them they told us that they wanted to go to ride the glass bottom boat as well at Aquarena Springs.  That was nice.  We got there and had to wait an hour for the ride.  Everyone handled the wait pretty well by taking a short nature walk over a board walk and then looking at the on site aquarium.  I was miserable.  I just didn't want to be out.  I wanted to be hidden under my covers at home eating bags and bags of vegetable chips (the closest thing to a junk food for me).  By the time we got off the boat we needed to eat...I needed to eat.  My parents wanted something yummy and fun, but I had to ask them that we not go those places since we couldn't afford them.  We went to Wendy's because I knew they had some good salads.  It definitely wasn't their choice, but they were kind and went with us instead.  I had a smaller portion of salad knowing I wanted to eat some of the vegetable chips I had brought.  The problem was that when I got to the bag full of chips I didn't want to stop.  The only reason I did was because everyone else was done eating and was getting up to leave. 

All the way home all I could think of was wanting to get in bed, watch a movie and finish the rest of the bag of vegetable chips.  Skylyn was so tired but was confusing that with hunger and was crying for food.  I wouldn't give her any.  As this was happening I was wondering if that was the case for me as well.  So, when we got home we put her to nap and Aaron and I both laid down to nap (about 2:45 PM). 

We received a call not long after we had laid down from an elder's wife at our church inviting us over to their house for games tonight.  I thought it might be nice until I woke up at 5:15 PM.  I just wanted to turn the t.v. on and start eating.  I even turned the t.v. on but hadn't pushed play yet on the VHS player when Aaron walked over and asked if I wanted to go over to the elder's house.  NO.  That was my first thought.  Then, despite my depression something inside of me said, "go."  So, I headed to the kitchen to make me some guacamole and chicken to take to Taco Cabana, where everyone else would eat.  At the restaurant I enjoyed the chicken and guac. mix and I finished the rest of the vegetable chips.  Had some gladness of having waited to eat the vegetable chips when I was truly hungry again instead of earlier just for a binge.

We were greeted with love from this sweet couple that had invited our family over, but I fought back tears and sadness most of the time.  It started when I tried to play go-fish with them and the elder's wife.  I was just getting frustrated with their inability to hold their cards up, looking at each other's cards on purpose, or not wanting to play by the rules because it wasn't letting them win.  Then, I heard the gentleman's and Aaron's conversation which was about photography.  I learned that this elder had been a professor of photography at predominant Universities in our area!  WOW!  I felt a ray of hope shine through.  

What if he would like to mentor me?  What a blessing this would be to learn from him!!  What if he took me on some shoots?  What if he helped me with lighting and my camera settings?  What if he showed me how to use photoshop?  Finally, the big, overall picture question:  What if tonight was all for this?  What if God knew that this could be a great thing for me to be mentored by this great gentleman?  But, what if not?

As the evening went on and I kind of poked around with comments about getting help yet he didn't respond with enthusiasm, I let that last question start to depress me.  What if this wasn't an opportunity meant for me?  Finally, it came up about him helping me and he said he would be okay with that.  Oh, I felt better.  It wasn't the excitement type of offer I was hoping for, but it was an offer.  There was hope for me.  I really felt like maybe this photography career could be a possibility once again.  That gave me hope.

I had a terrible time with the kids the rest of the evening because of them acting every way they knew not to act.  So, the whole way home I made them not be able to say a word or make a sound.  Bedtime was a fight as well because they just don't want to do what we say when we say it.  They want to complain or rebuttal.  I'm not taking it any more.  Does God think this way of me at times?  Does He think, I'm not taking this complaining, whining and rebutting from you any more and give me his own version of time-out or silence discipline?

With the hope of being able to do this photography avenue, I came home and found some cool vintage chair props I could use on Craigslist.  I've written some of them and asked to pay less than what they are asking.  We'll see what they say. 

Trained by it - August 19

Today I had to wake up without my mom's phone call (because she was sleeping late in my guest bedroom).  I walked and read HEBREWS 12 which was VERY encouraging and helped me feel loved and like I could persevere. 

My favorite verse:  HEBREWS 12:11

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I also really liked the rest of the chapter and it spoke to me about all of the ways I'm needed to approach and view and look at what God has planned for my walk with him.  I don't have untouchable mountains between Him and I.  I have a heavenly place with him through this journey that is filled with joy, righteousness and Jesus as my great mediator.

I kept the baby once more.  It was somewhat rough this morning because he was really tired.  But for some reason I had peace about it.  I kept thinking that God is in control of this day and he will do what he knows best with it.  I'm sure it also helped to know that I didn't have to deal with the baby and all of the other kids since they would be out the whole morning enjoying time with my parents.

I took the baby with me to my NRT appointment.  It was a GREAT appointment!  I was unblocked - YEAH!  I also came down on some of my supplements.  Then, I got REALLY excited because Dr. Albracht discovered and addressed a very tender abdomen that I have dealt with for decades apparently due to a tender aorta.  He could tell that something was making that area of my aorta pump harder and more intensely.  Interestingly enough I had just had this issue be uncovered by my regular doctor back in May and had a number of tests and ultrasounds performed to see if they could figure out the problem - but they couldn't.  He found the cause and now I have a tea supplement to cure it!  THANK YOU GOD for working through him to continue to heal me!!!!!!!  The one bummer is that my rice cakes didn't test well so I shouldn't be eating them.  :(

Got home in time to feed the baby.  The kids also showed up with Mimi and Papaw to drop off Skylyn.  I debated what I should eat in my head for awhile and with God's help came to the conclusion that a plate full of fish and leftover cooked veggies would be best.  

Afterwords I put the baby down for a nap and just started mad-dash painting the beds and the armour shelves.  A number of times I really wanted to stop for a snack.  I decided against it because I knew I wasn't hungry but instead just didn't want to face the 2nd coat of paint I was realizing was needed to be done after the first one I was applying.  I then put Skylyn down for nap and kept working.  God was gracious to me today and allowed the baby to sleep for 3 hours!!!  That gave me the ability to have time to apply the second layers of paint and be complete with that project.  In fact, I was even able to get a 35 minute nap myself.  

When he woke up  I fed him his bottle on my bed while I ate an entire bag of vegetable chips.  Why did I do that?  Was it a reward for finishing the bed painting?  Was it dreading needing to prime and paint the bedroom wall in the girl's room?  Was it rebellion against my not being able to eat rice cakes?  I don't know.  But I do know I shouldn't have eating the whole thing.

Aaron took Skylyn out on a date since the older two kids were going to be sleeping at Mime and Papaw' house.  I stayed home and finished installing the bracket strip, brackets, and shelve in the girl's new armour.  I also had a good amount of time to catch up on my journaling.

Thank you God for being in control of my day and planning it out better than I could have attempted on my own. 

You Are My I LOVE YOU - August 18

Walked again and read my Bible: 2 Thessalonians - 1 Timothy 1:9.

Stand out verses:

2 Thessalonians 1:11 "With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by HIS power HE may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith."

2 Thessalonians 3:11-13  "We hear that some among you are idle.  They are not busy; they are busy-bodies.  Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.  And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right."

Wanted to get a lot done especially after my day yesterday.  Because some shops weren't open yet and because Aaron had taken my car which had my fabric swatches, I didn't get to as many stores as I would have liked.  But, the kids really stuck with me and were big troopers (despite my angry attitude).

For lunch I used a coupon and bought them smoothies from the Smoothie King.  They picnicked out on the living room floor on a blanket and watch e Wall-E the movie.  I ate snacky food by myself and then started to work.

I installed one of the bracket holding strips to hold shelves in the girl's new-to-us armour.  I was bummed when I realized I needed another set.

Then when Skylyn went down to nap I sanded all of the bed frames for the girl's room and sponge washed them clean.  I even sponge washed some doors, door frames and window seals in and around the kitchen and entry from were 2 years of kid's dirty fingers had touched them.

As I was working I thought about my kids inside playing by themselves.  Whey didn't I want to be in there?  Why did it feel more comfortable to be working than playing?  Why did it make my feel better to work?  When did being productive become so important to me?  "When did I forget how to play?", might be the bigger, overall question.  I will pray that throughout the year that changes.  I will pray that I can learn how to play with my kids again.  I will pray that next summer will be filled with interaction and togetherness.

As I was working I also thought of how angry I had been the last couple of days.  Something my sister said to me in our last conversation was that she thought I took advantage of my parent's generosity.  This had been lingering in my thoughts for the last week.  Was I angry because without my being completely unaware of it, it might be true.  I could see that from her view point that would seem unfair.  Maybe I rely on them too much.  If this were true then I am angry at myself for being that way.  This is not the person I EVER thought I would be as a girl growing up, heading off to college and daydreaming of her future.  As I stood there and worked I just became more angry at all of the circumstances that have led to my present lifestyle situation. 

I am angry that my health , emotions, and social freedoms were stolen from me by and eating disorder I NEVER asked for.  I'm angry I had such complex chiropractic problems that it let to terrible health and everyone doubting my sanity.  I'm angry that keeping up my health with chiropractics, while it's a source of thankful and blessed healing, is a big source of financial depletion for us.  I'm angry that my body shut down last summer and that I had to face constant eating restraints and seeing a specialist that also drains our check accounts.  Yet, again, the NRT is the biggest blessing for my health I received last year.  I'm angry that I had a heart arrhythmia that no one trusted I had until 9 years had passed.  I'm angry that all of my poor health (which I NEVER asked for), has left me unable to work outside the home.  I'm angry that my husband could only get employed by someone who doesn't supply insurance and therefore we have to pay out almost the amount of a second mortgage just to have catastrophe type of insurance.  On top of that I presently face anger about the fact that I can't take full potential of my photography class because my camera is so old and doesn't work well.  Finally, what set me over the edge this week was me now having something else not go the way I had hoped and counted on:  my haircut.

Why does my life have to be one HUGE stumbling block after another.  And, these aren't the kind that trip you; they're the kind that plaster you face first into the burning asphalt and leave you scarred and broken while everyone watches.  What is fair about any of this?  So, that leads me back to the beginning question in my mind:  do I take advantage of my parent's generosity.  Maybe so.  But, at this stage in my life I don't know how to not accept a life vest when I feel like I'm drowning.  I just wish I weren't drowning.

On a different note, sometime today I looked over and saw a book Aaris had brought to me a couple of days earlier and told me she really liked it.  She said it talked about how she loved me and I loved her.  But, today I looked at it and saw something different.  I saw it as how God loves us all:

"You Are My I LOVE YOU" by Cusimano

I am our parent; you are my child.

I am your quiet place; you are my wild.

I am your calm face; you are my giggle.

I am your wait; you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage ride; you are my king.

I am your push; you are my swing.

I am your audience; you are my clown.

I am your London Bridge; you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks; you are my licorice.

I am your dandelion; you are my first wish.

I am your water wings; you are my deep.

I am your open arms; you are my running leap.

I am your way home; you are my new path.

I am your dry towel; you are my wet bath.

I am your dinner; you are my chocolate cake.

I am your bedtime; you are my wide awake.

I am your finish line; you are my race.

I am your praying hands; you are my saying grace.

I am your favorite book; you are my new lines.

I am your night-light; you are my starshine.

I am your lullaby; you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss; you are my I love you.

We had meet the teacher tonight for Aaris' school.  Only one person said they liked my hair.  The rest just asked if I got hot and just needed to cut it off?  I felt so ugly.  But, back to Aaris' teacher.  I'm really not sure about her , but all I kept telling myself was that I have been praying for the best teacher for Aaris and that's all I can count on.

Afterwords I wanted to stay home and eat by myself but that wouldn't go over very well with my parents staying here with us for the evening.

I ended up being glad I went (took my own food of course) to eat with them.  After we got home my sister called me and we had a GREAT talk.  She was so comforting in letting me cry out some of my pain to her.  After that I then joined my parents in the living room and had great conversation with them as well.

What an up and down day of painful insight as well as loving insight.  Please let me just hold onto the loving insight.

Would You Not Have Done It? - August 17

Kept the baby boy I was going to provide childcare for until I decided it added too much anxiety to my life right now.  His parents haven't had time to find someone else, so I definitely knew it was the right thing to keep him until they can find another permanent child care provider for him.  I did wake up a little later than I had desired and therefore didn't get my Bible reading in like I should have.  But, I did walk.

From the moment he was dropped off it was hard.  He wanted to play and needed and wanted supervision.  I needed to finish up our morning breakfasts: preparing, eating, and clean up.  Thank goodness I had Aaris to entertain him for awhile.  From that moment on it felt like I just checked out for the day.  All I could do was help this sweet baby, but all I wanted to do was work on tasks at hand.  On top of that we were house trapped since Aaron had the infant car seat in his car.

I didn't binge but definitely overate on rice cakes, especially at dinner.  And, overall, I just didn't make the best food choices.  I ate more snack foods instead of meals. 

The baby did not sleep hardly any and needed my constant attention.  I fed him his bottle in my bed so that I could at least watch t.v. while I was having to hold him all the time.

I was the angriest person all day because I felt my time to get a project done was snatched from me.  I felt like time with my own kids was stolen and given to this baby.

The most anxious part was the fact that the baby was not on any schedule, so even if I put him down for a nap I didn't know if I had 15 minute or 2 hours before he woke up. 

The most interesting time I had was during one of the baby's short naps.  I also laid down but decided to try and get my Bible reading in.  My Bible opened to 2 KINGS 5.  It talked of how Naaman was a valiant and regarded soldier, but had leprosy.  A captive servant for his wife told them that the prophet, Elisha, in Samaria could cure him.  When Naaman got to Elisha's house, Elisha's servant gave him Elisha's message from God: 

"'Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.'  But Naaman went away angry and said, 'I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy.  Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than any of the waters of Israel?  Couldn't I wash in them and be cleansed?'  So he turned and went off in a rage.  Naaman's servants went to him and said, 'My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it?  How much more, then, when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed','  So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven time, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.

What I got out of it?  I am calling on God to heal me.  He is giving me simple tasks to follow.  I just need to not not eat sugar, yet I do to just need to eat the best foods that the Nutritional Response Tester says will benefit my body better.  He's not asking me to go and perform some great thing in order to receive healing.  It's not like he's asking me to not eat...I get to eat.  It's not like he's telling me I have to take painful medicine like chemotherapy...I just have to not take in sugar or unhealthy food choices.  Come on Jessica, be happy with his simple command and go and dip yourself in it as many times as is needed to come out clean like a young girl again. 

That evening I took Titus to gymnastics.  He did fantastic and mastered every skill they had him perform.  Aaron showed up back from his overnight work trip.  He was able to see my new haircut and watch Titus.  Afterwards I made a quick trip to the library to clear up some wrongful overdue charges.  Then, I barely make it home because my body was so exhausted.   I went straight to my room, changed for bed and went to bed.  I was asleep by 8:00 PM.  That is CRAZY EARLY for me.  The emotional strain of the day of keeping the baby was just too much for my body. 

August 16

Woke up with my skin itching but no matter how much I scratched, it wouldn't stop.  It was mainly all over my abdomen.  I woke up but just laid in bed itching and wishing it wasn't morning yet.  My mom's call got me out of bed.

I walked my 20 minutes then did about 15 minutes of leg work like lunges, hip abductions, plea's and such.

God the kids up and ready for the day.  We ate breakfast and then practiced riding our bikes up to the school and back.  When we returned home I came back to the office to check the computer for some stuff.  I suddenly got hit with a wave of exhaustion.  I was instantly tired and couldn't keep my eyes open.  I went and laid down in bed and immediately fell to sleep.  I slept until 11:00 AM!  Upon waking I immediately felt guilty not spending that time with the kids.  The only thing that pulled me into positive thinkg was realizing that God really was showing me how well he is taking care of my family.  While I was sleeping He filled Aaris with love, imagination, patience, selflessness, servanthood, and compassion.  She, because of God, was able to take care of Skylyn and Titus (without ever turning on the t.v. I must add).

I ate with the kids.  I didn't even finish my food - put a few brussell sprouts (seriously yummy) back in the leftover container.  That felt victorious.

Showed the kids my printed out pictures of how I wanted my hair cut.  I then bathed and got ready to go.  Halfway to the salon (about 20 minutes from home) I realized that I forgot all of the printouts of the hairstyles I liked on the table.  I got sick feeling.  On top of that, when we got to the salon my hairdresser said she was only expecting me.  What!?!?!  I had told her I wanted Aaris and Titus' haircut as well.  She did Aaris' hair then she did my color.  Finally, she cut and cut and cut my hair.  I was expecting a lot more length left, especailly on the top, front and side of my hair.  I HATED what she had done!!!!!!  I cried for about 20 minutes.  Here is the IRONIC and WEIRD ending to this whole experience => As I was paying for this horrible haircut and feeling so ugly and embarrassed THE song "Pretty Pretty Please" by Pink started playing on the salon radio!  CRAZY, right!

Aaris was a doll.  Her precious soul tried so hard over and over again to cheer me up.

I got home and played some with my hair to make it look better in my eyes.

This evening I took Titus to gymnastics at 5:30 along with everyone else since Aaron is out of town on business.  We got there only to find out that his class was at 6:30.  So I went to Aaris dance studio and signed her up for dance classes.  We then rushed to McDonalds to feed the kids before we headed back to the gym.  We pulled it off and got to the gymnastics gym at 6:30 and waited 10 minutes for Titus' coach to come out.  When he did we found out that they had once again told me the wrong thing.  Aaris was supposed to be having class tonight.  URGGG!  She wasn't dressed or ready for class, but out she needed to go.

At first she did what she did 2 years ago (when we took her out of class).  She played around and didn't pay attention.  Then, after a quick talking to from me during a water break she changed.  I could see her trying to improve each  and every time she did an exercise.  I was so proud of her.

Tonight was hard knowing tomorrow I need to watch the baby while his parents search for a replacement for me.  I ate more rice cakes then I should have (a whole bag) but stopped after that.  I know I was just procrastinating on all of the clean up work I needed to do in order to have my house ready for a baby.  I stayed up late getting all of the work done.

August 15

Woke up way too late.  Really didn't want to get out of bed.  I ate vegetable chips and 2 rice cakes and almond milk for breakfast.  Got to work on switching out and cleaning out the kid's closets.  Barely stopped for lunch.  Had peach and more vegetable chips.  Really wanted rice cakes, but we were all out.  I then was very tempted to eat corn chips or sugar free crackers, but THANKFULLY realized that wouldn't be a good idea.  I would feel guilty for just putting one of those items in my mouth and would therefore just end up eating into a binge.  So, instead I got two small glasses of almond milk.

After calling my mother and discussing my increasing anxiety of just thinking about being a committed child care provider for this baby I decided it best to call the parents.  I told her that I didn't think I could keep their baby for them.  It was an extremely hard choice because I didn't want to back out of a commitment.  I also didn't want to not help out my family financially, but I just knew in my gut that this was not going to be healthy for me physically or emotionally.  Really, this was the only choice I had if I wanted what was going to be best for me, and therefore ultimately for the baby and for my own family.  After getting off the phone with her and feeling like I was instantly downing in guilt I decided to call a good friend of mine that is a teacher, but has also been a child care provider out of her house.  She thought I made the best choice.  

Got frustrated with photography assignment.  Didn't feel like I could get it to work!!!  Felt completely stupid and inadequate for the class.  Didn't feel like I was able to grasp everything we were learning.  Also, I felt very handicap by my old worn out camera.  It just doesn't respond like a newer, not dropped and banged up version does.

I ate before class: the rest of the vegetable chips and some grapes.

After school I went to Wal-Mart.  I spent way too much money, but they were all necessities for the girl's new beds.  I feel guilty but at the same time I"m excited about it all being done.

Looking back, I really had NO desire to overeat or binge today - THANK YOU GOD!  But, I also had NO desire to eat meat and vegetables.   

Dear God, please give me some guidance with the girl's new room and with the the use of my camera.