Ended with Hope - August 20

Today, man, it was just a fight!  I woke up and had really wanted to get up earlier and work outside on all of the hedges while Aaron mowed.  Yep, that didn't happen so I already felt like I had wasted a morning.  I took a shower and tried to attempt fixing my hair again.  Two days ago I tried for the first time and it was a disaster!  Well, not much better today.  YUCK!  I can't stand it.  The coloring is terrible and I just can't get it to fall right.  On top of that I had wasted so much time working on it that we were an hour late leaving to go and get Aaris and Titus from my parents. 

When we called them they told us that they wanted to go to ride the glass bottom boat as well at Aquarena Springs.  That was nice.  We got there and had to wait an hour for the ride.  Everyone handled the wait pretty well by taking a short nature walk over a board walk and then looking at the on site aquarium.  I was miserable.  I just didn't want to be out.  I wanted to be hidden under my covers at home eating bags and bags of vegetable chips (the closest thing to a junk food for me).  By the time we got off the boat we needed to eat...I needed to eat.  My parents wanted something yummy and fun, but I had to ask them that we not go those places since we couldn't afford them.  We went to Wendy's because I knew they had some good salads.  It definitely wasn't their choice, but they were kind and went with us instead.  I had a smaller portion of salad knowing I wanted to eat some of the vegetable chips I had brought.  The problem was that when I got to the bag full of chips I didn't want to stop.  The only reason I did was because everyone else was done eating and was getting up to leave. 

All the way home all I could think of was wanting to get in bed, watch a movie and finish the rest of the bag of vegetable chips.  Skylyn was so tired but was confusing that with hunger and was crying for food.  I wouldn't give her any.  As this was happening I was wondering if that was the case for me as well.  So, when we got home we put her to nap and Aaron and I both laid down to nap (about 2:45 PM). 

We received a call not long after we had laid down from an elder's wife at our church inviting us over to their house for games tonight.  I thought it might be nice until I woke up at 5:15 PM.  I just wanted to turn the t.v. on and start eating.  I even turned the t.v. on but hadn't pushed play yet on the VHS player when Aaron walked over and asked if I wanted to go over to the elder's house.  NO.  That was my first thought.  Then, despite my depression something inside of me said, "go."  So, I headed to the kitchen to make me some guacamole and chicken to take to Taco Cabana, where everyone else would eat.  At the restaurant I enjoyed the chicken and guac. mix and I finished the rest of the vegetable chips.  Had some gladness of having waited to eat the vegetable chips when I was truly hungry again instead of earlier just for a binge.

We were greeted with love from this sweet couple that had invited our family over, but I fought back tears and sadness most of the time.  It started when I tried to play go-fish with them and the elder's wife.  I was just getting frustrated with their inability to hold their cards up, looking at each other's cards on purpose, or not wanting to play by the rules because it wasn't letting them win.  Then, I heard the gentleman's and Aaron's conversation which was about photography.  I learned that this elder had been a professor of photography at predominant Universities in our area!  WOW!  I felt a ray of hope shine through.  

What if he would like to mentor me?  What a blessing this would be to learn from him!!  What if he took me on some shoots?  What if he helped me with lighting and my camera settings?  What if he showed me how to use photoshop?  Finally, the big, overall picture question:  What if tonight was all for this?  What if God knew that this could be a great thing for me to be mentored by this great gentleman?  But, what if not?

As the evening went on and I kind of poked around with comments about getting help yet he didn't respond with enthusiasm, I let that last question start to depress me.  What if this wasn't an opportunity meant for me?  Finally, it came up about him helping me and he said he would be okay with that.  Oh, I felt better.  It wasn't the excitement type of offer I was hoping for, but it was an offer.  There was hope for me.  I really felt like maybe this photography career could be a possibility once again.  That gave me hope.

I had a terrible time with the kids the rest of the evening because of them acting every way they knew not to act.  So, the whole way home I made them not be able to say a word or make a sound.  Bedtime was a fight as well because they just don't want to do what we say when we say it.  They want to complain or rebuttal.  I'm not taking it any more.  Does God think this way of me at times?  Does He think, I'm not taking this complaining, whining and rebutting from you any more and give me his own version of time-out or silence discipline?

With the hope of being able to do this photography avenue, I came home and found some cool vintage chair props I could use on Craigslist.  I've written some of them and asked to pay less than what they are asking.  We'll see what they say.