When I turned the t.v. on to walk this morning it turned on to CMT music videos. I hadn't seen any of these before and the songs were enticing. First I caught the end of Taylor Swift's song "Mean". Next was a song by a young boy, Hunter Hays, named "Storm Warning" that just blew me away. The lyrics were smart, but what was amazing was that they boy played every instrument himself in the song and video (guitar, electrical guitar, banjo, piano, and drums) plus the boy had some amazing pipes and charming looks. Now, I too could have those abilities if I decided to plug into the power God has inside of me. Then, a song came on in which Kelly Clarkson sang and it was cool to see her being so successful after following her dreams so many years ago on 'American Idle'. Again, I could follow my dreams like that as well. Then came Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood with "Remind Me" which inspired me to love on my husband more.
Finally there came a song that that hit me like a ton of brick. It was "Like My Mother Does" by Lauren Alaina. The girl talks about all the things she has or does that are just like her mother does. It made me wonder what my kids will say they do or don't want to do because of what I do. It struck me hard that my 'doings' better start being something that I want my kids to repeat! And, even more striking is that I don't have many years to make these impact on their lives!
I then watched the end of a show I had been watching for the past couple of mornings. It was a show asking Kate Gosling (from Jon and Kate Plus Eight) tough questions. Oh, I hated seeing character traits, or maybe more like attitudes, of mine that where like her. YUCK! Oh, please let me take out the harshness, not happy unless it's my way, bothered by everyone, and never content unless it perfectly about me attitude out of my speech and mannerisms and outlook! Think less Kate Gosling more Michelle Duggar. :)
My bible reading went well also. I was moved to open up to Philippians 2:16 - 4:23. I was struck by many things. I really like Philippians 4: 11 - 13:
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who give me strength."
Content - a place I have not really been in a good way
Philippians 3:12 - 14 calls to me:
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I h press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Oh, something that has always haunted me... my past. How to leave it behind and only strain against that natural backwards pull so that I can move forward.
Philippians 3: 19
"Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things."
I'm tired of my legacy being that of shame. I'm tired of trying to find my fulfillment on earthly things and my focus being on pleasing my own fleshly/human desires.
But, the one verse that just jumped off the page and actually made my mind and soul tremble was Philippians 3:16:
"Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
From this verse, this is a post I entered on Facebook:
"Only let us live us to what we have already attained." Phil. 3:16 What we have already attained: being heirs of our God, & siblings of our Christ. Why do we shrink back in doubt, fear, & past mistakes? Why don't we live up to the greatness God knows & has for our lives? We can have unconditional love for others full of forgiveness & free of envy. We can have love & confidence in who we are & what we desire to accomplish b/c God's power is always in us. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE UP TO TODAY?
I keep getting this reoccurring theme that I'm supposed to be living up to the higher standard God has designed me for. He did design me and fill me with his Spirit, so who am I to tell Him that the ideal of who and what I dream to be are too hard for me...and thus for Him?!?!
Well, spent the morning basically looking up songs that inspired and stirred my spirit. That did mean that I ended up turning the kids away when they wanted to be and play with me. Oh, I have a long ways to go! I did get moved by some things I read like my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 ministries which today was titled "What Do I Have to be Angry About?" It just hit the nail on the head for how I've been acting and feeling. I also got led by the article to read Lysa Terkeurst's blog. Wow how God blessed her with beautiful perspective and writing. I had to write down some of her thoughts because they impacted me so strongly.
One such things was when she just posted about how all of her sentimental, irreplaceable jewelry had been stolen. And, instead of screaming, crying, getting angry and falling apart she instead sat down and immediately starting thinking about all of the things she does still have that are blessings. And this was her thinking behind it:
"But sometimes refusing the pull to come unglued is the only way to prove to ourselves it is possible to have a different kind of reaction. So, I willed those other painful lists aside. After all, I'd already had enough taken from me in that moment. I didn't need to freely hand over my heart as well."
Motivating - another thing I would have always thought was an unachievable response for myself, but now I believe I could achieve if I truly desired to.
For lunch I was going to go and buy those vegetable chips. I figured with all I have to do in the next two days it was the only way I was going to be able to make it though. But, once again, God detoured me. The store didn't have them and the kids and I really didn't have the time or patience to make it to another store. So, instead I bought some delicious asparagus that was on sale and some already cooked ribs and had a good lunch.
I put the kids down for naps (Titus was in trouble for being disrespectful of everything he was told or asked to do). I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on this blog. This journey is too important to not document every tiny step in the right direction or even wrong direction which I can learn from. Not to mention that I feel like all of this is for a greater purpose than I can fathom and it's important for me to have everything in writing.
As I as finishing up my a post it was the time Aaris got released from school. I said a prayer for her. She had told me this morning that she didn't even want me to show up because she wanted to ride home on her bike all by herself. Well, as the time came and went for when I thought she should be home I had an urge to go drive and find her, but I concluded that I shouldn't so that I could show her that I completely trusted her. Well, about that time the phone rang. It was the school. They asked if I was coming to pick up Aaris. I told them no because she had told me not to. They were fine with that and said they would send her on her way. Edited my post a little bit more and went out just in time to catch her walking her bike up the sidewalk to the backyard gate. She was singing about how hot it was and how she was happy to be home. You know, I should sing about my stresses and discomforts more which makes them seem more lighthearted. That girl teaches me something new all the time.
Oh, was she so proud of herself for being big enough and capable enough to ride home by herself. I was, too. I then really wanted to go lay down, but instead I got myself ready to go to a birthday party with Aaris that she was invited to.
When we got to the party I realized that almost everyone was dropping their kid off and leaving. I did stick around and visit for about and hour and then I headed to the grocery store for those darn vegetable chips. I bought 4 bags of them. I was going to just sneak around to the back of the house to avoid having to see the kids, but realized when I got home that they were gone with Aaron to his parents. That allowed me to devour a whole bag and half of vegetable chips! Oh, was I mad at myself. I MUST return the other two bags. I can't keep running to them.
At this point a state of depression was starting to kick in. I came home and distracted myself by looking up western boots on Craigslist I'd like to by. For Aaris' bedtime I didn't do her memory verses or bible reading because I didn't want to leave my chair or current focus.
I did start looking up possible poses for the family I'm going to be doing a free photo shoot of tomorrow morning. That got me being productive. I then headed to the kitchen with all intentions of leaving it a mess and heading to bed, but again, something (my in-laws dropping the kids off tomorrow) got me motivated to not put off until tomorrow what needed to be done today. That led me to the conclusion that if I were going to do justice to the revelations I had today, I was going to need to blog. So, here I am. I'm not as depressed and that feels good.
Oh, and then I was suddenly told of a huge gift right before Aaron went to bed. He had told me that his father would pay for someone to come and paint the girl's room if I would spend that time with him just talking and getting to know each other better. SURE! It's crazy because all I could think about during my kitchen clean up was how hard it was going to be to paint that room all by myself tomorrow and how I wish I knew someone I could trust to paint it for me. God is so surprising and thoughtful!
Oh, and with these music videos and photography I've studies today I have been motivated to achieve these higher standards I have decided to rise to this year. I received a vintage wedding dress from my mother for my birthday. She is helping to restore it. I now dream of wearing that dress as a symbol of presenting myself to God and Christ as a new creation and bride to them next year. It is my aspiration to then get pictures taken of me in that dress and have it framed to celebrate the new creation I have become and how I can now can be in a two-way productive and devoted love relationship with my God. I want to see me as he sees me.
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