Oh, today just went down hill. Woke up two hours later than I wanted. Why? I think it was mainly knowing that today was the last day I would even have an option to sleep in for a long time since school starts back for Aaris in the morning.
I walked but didn't get in my Bible reading. Big mistake. Huge mistake. Got breakfast fixed and eaten. Then, I really wanted to leave to run all the errands I wanted to get in for the day. But, the problem was that I was two hours late. I was angry and that just escalated more and more all day with the kids! I just was not happy with them at all, and really for no reason. It just came down to the fact that in my overwhelmed, depressed point of view they were just in the way of me getting done what I would be happy with for the day. Terrible. I hate that I think of them in that way! And, that makes me even madder.
DRUG the kids around to just the couple of places I wanted to get to. Had to drop a number of other places though, due to time. So, after our last stop, it was time for lunch. Oh, I so didn't want to go home and have to eat the perfect healthy meal. I was mad, upset, frustrated, and add to that the thought of having to go home to my wreck of a house - all overwhelming. I wanted a treat. I wanted something that pleased me when nothing else could. This is when I would have in the past gone and bought ice-cream (blizzard to be exact), donuts or something else really sugar loaded for lunch to get me revved up to face the ugly of my life. Oh, but I can't do that now. URGGG!
So, I decided to stop and buy some more vegetable chips. They are definitely the closest thing I have to a treat. Okay, so I also just wanted to get home so I tried to think of the quickest way home also. Well, it turns out that led me to the one HEB that doesn't carry vegetable chips. So, I decided to go the next quickest way I could to another spot I knew carried them. I just about got there and came up on a wreck that had stopped all flow of traffic from every direction. So, now even to get home I was going to have to make a huge detour. Now I was really mad and HAD to get those vegetable chips even though every possible road block had been placed before. About 40 minutes later I had them was finally back home. Now, WHY DON'T I GO OUT OF MY WAY THIS MUCH TO BEAT ALL THE OBSTACLES PLACED IN FRONT OF ME WHEN I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH A HEALING GOAL?
So, by this time I got home in time to eat not just one bag of vegetable chips, but almost a whole additional bag. Oh, and I couldn't move out of my chair. I found myself incapacitated. I didn't know how to make the next move in my day. I didn't know where to begin in a house that needs cleaned top to bottom in every room. I didn't want to face my kids because every little thing they did set me off in a rage of anger. I didn't know what to do.
I started trying to think of anyone that could help me. I looked up "help for hoarders in Austin" on-line because I know I am feeling like I can't let go of anything right now because I can't get rid of it perfectly. I starting looking up and thinking of childcare for the kids so that I could just spend sun up till sun down working on cleaning out my house and getting rid of stuff. I then called my therapist. She talked to me but I was really hoping she would suggest coming over to my house for sessions for awhile because for some reason the idea of leaving my house seems too overwhelming right now, but that didn't seem to be a possibility. She did suggest I read 1 Corinthians 9 which I will right after this.
Then, I called my mom. That is when I came to some big revelations. My house is a mess right now because it reflects outwardly what I feel like inwardly. I don't know how to sort through all the junk going on in my head or emotions or physical needs. I don't know what I should keep and what needs to be through out, or even what needs to be redirected (like recycled). There is clutter all inside of me. It messy, glummy, and unhealthy. That is what my house is becoming. I don't know how to do all of that stuff outwardly right now as well, so my actions just outwardly express how I inwardly feel as well.
That's when I decided that I can't sort through all of this hoarding of emotions, feelings, hurts, memories, pain, sadness, guilt, embarrassments, or regrets on my own. Outside expertise was going to be needed. Yes, it's one more added expense and that is the very reason I haven't sought counseling help for at least 1/2 a year now. But, it's more than obvious now that help is necessary.
Didn't want to leave the house, but I did need to make it to my last photography class. I was depressed about the fear of not comprehending it all like everyone else seemed to. I even had a mini panic attack on the drive there. I think it was a combination of fear added to my body not feeling well from binging today and not being feed the best foods over the past couple of meals. But, I am glad that I went and I feel better. Even after receiving a hard email from an honest friend in the photography world that made me feel like this avenue for financial support was not possible, I still was able to walk away from the class hopeful.
Found a fun photography prop on Craigslist that can also double as an awesome chair for Titus' new room and was able to talk them down on price and pick it up tonight. Brought some joy to the end of the day.
Dear God, PLEASE, PLEASE take this anger from me. I can't put up with it any more and I HATE feeling this angry all of the time.
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