Was able to get up in time to walk and read again. As soon as my walk was over I just went and flung my Bible open and it landed on the pages when God was angry with Moses and told him that we would not be entering the promised land. This made me sad. I decided that I needed to talk to God in prayer first before I just fling my Bible open again. I need to ask him to direct my reading. He then had me open up to Ezekiel 37. I was reminded of how God raised dry scattered bones up into breathing, soul filled flesh. He then tells them that he will not allow them to backslide into their sins. Most importantly he tells them that "they will be my people, and I will be their God." Oh, I felt strong and hopeful again.
The hardest part of the morning is picking up Aaris' pace. God bless her that she is a laid back kid and that she is rarely in a hurry. I wish I had more of that in me. But still, there are times that you have to fulfil a commitment or you have others counting on you when you have to get things done in a certain time. That is what Aaris is not grasping. I'm trying MY BEST to help her see or think about all the things she could be doing to get completely ready and out of the house on time. I find her sitting around, standing around, playing, or just doodling with things. In the calmest and most non-frustrated tone I can muster, I try to remind her to think about what she can be doing: getting her lunch box together, cleaning up her space at the table, washing her hands and brushing her teeth, and on and on. Yet, I'm sure it still comes across as nagging to her. I predict that this is going to be a bit of a battle.
We then headed out for some errands again. We went to Sprouts, and then headed straight for the Honda dealership. We had a misunderstanding the last time I was there. I needed a master key made, but instead just got the remote entry duplicated. I really think it was my fault. Well, I had been dreading heading back over there to just sit around and wait for a key to be made. This morning when I drove up there were about 10 car ahead of me. Oh, man! So, I parked my car and just talked to someone about my situation and wondering if I was going to have to wait hours behind all of these cars to have keys made. They were gracious (I'm sure with the nudging of God) and moved me to the front. It still took about 45 minutes. But, again by the grace of God, they didn't charge me labor. Thank you God.
This had me leaving late to meet up with a person from Craigslist. When I finally got to our destination she pulled out her vintage folding chair. Oh, I was heartbroken because it was ripped. She said she would take money off so I went ahead and bought it. But, the rest of the day I was mad at myself for not putting my feeling first. I was too scared of hurting her feelings to say no thank you. But, I should have. My bad.
I then took the kids into the Chick-fil-A that we met at so that they could have some kid play time. It made me feel good to let them have something that was focused on them instead of on my needs. We did stay long enough that we needed to eat in the car in order to get back for Skylyn's nap. And, I took one as well. I set my alarm, but it didn't work. Only by the compassion of God did he wake me up just in time to dash up to the school before it was super late. Aaris did once again ride home by herself (while we stayed close by in the van.)
The kids were playing crazy while I cooked and they ended up breaking the toy chest. I flipped. I was so angry. The first thought that ran through my head was, "I was going to sell that soon and get us some extra cash, now they've just thrown away a financial opportunity...how dare they." Don't think this should be my thinking, but it has been for so long because of all of our financial downfalls with doctors and hospitals that it's hard to turn off. Plus, I think it's just heightened right now because of the money I'm spending to get the girls' room done and get my photography business ready to go. I ended up just storming out of the room before I went crazy mad in front of them. After I had calmed and Aaron was trying to fix the toy box I decided to make a good parenting move...I hope. I don't want them to not feel any consequences for the poor choices they knowing make, so I came up with a plan. As much time as it takes Aaron or I to fix something or a situation that they caused due to being careless, they will also have to sit out that same amount of time. So, I had all of the kids sit down against the wall in the room and watch their Daddy have to use his time to fix the toy box.
Aaris had even more homework tonight and it involved a lot of writing. This is not Aaris' strong suit at this time. She can read amazingly well and above grade level, but she doesn't remember how anything is spelt. Therefore it is like pulling teeth to get her to spell something. Plus, add in the fact that she drags her feet the whole time because she doesn't enjoy writing and once again it causes a very frustrating situation. I ended up yelling at her. She started crying and said I scared her. Oh, the deepest part of my soul just sunk even though the upper emotionally unstable side was still just frustrated and felt like I had to do something to shake her up and get her moving. It's OBVIOUS that we both REALLY need a lot of improvement in this area! Please, please dear God help us find a peaceful place inside each of use when faced with the daily homework.
Titus went to gymnastics this evening and also did amazingly well from Aaron's report. Aaris, Skylyn and I stayed home. After getting Skylyn to bed Aaris read her 20 minutes to me while I worked on the computer. She then got to have her 'big kid priviledge' for having good behavior at school and started watching an episode of Extreme Makeover. She really feels compassion and joy for the families she sees on those shows.
At about 9:45 the power when off at our house. Some transformer has blown. I was very frustrated because I was knee deep in cleaning up my office. I really wanted to have it cleaned out and organized before my photography mentor was here the next night. I worked by flashlight as much as possible. I did end up going to bed just in time for the power to come back on. I needed to drink my healing tea now that I could heat up the water and that just led to me staying up too late.
There is something that happens in the evenings with me. There is something about the solitude of the darkness that entices me. I like not having any obvious obligations visible. I like having no one to answer to and no one to rely on me. But, that is not a healthy place for me to find rest. I need to find rest in God. I need to not hide all day to only emerge in the darkness. Oh, God, this has been a source of coping for me for as long as I can remember. It's going to take more than what I can muster to change this habit. Please, please provide me with a strength that only comes from you to pull me out of the darkness and into the life of the light.
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