Didn't want to wake up because I had spent so much of the night awake because I was freezing cold. I could never get warm enough or comfortable.
I had about 4 eggs for breakfast because the shells had broken in the move last night and my father-in-law had saved them. But, now they needed cooked and eaten. I also ate 2 slices of bacon that my in-laws had cooked. Felt a little guilt about not just eating more than normal but for also eating a little fattier and unhealthier version than what I am use to.
My father-in-law told me again this morning (also told me late last night) that he could tell I had put on weight and that I looked healthier. I don't like the fact that I'm over 10 lbs heavier (because of all of the binges) than I would like to be. I especially dislike the word "healthier." That must mean I look bigger (a.k.a. fatter). Plus, it bothers me that both of my sister-in-laws are way smaller than me and yet he never ever insinuates that they should put on weight. In fact I can not tell you how many times I have had to listen to my mother-in-law proudly brag that my sister-in-law is a size 0.
I took the time after breakfast to get ready for the day. I then, opened my Bible for my daily Bible time. I was THRILLED and even giddy with joy about what God had led me to read. It's something I wouldn't mind reading daily because it is so powerful and encouraging. It just seems possible as well - which is motivating.
It was 1 PETER 4:8 - 2 PETER 1:21
I really felt strong and confident about how I was going to use my day and implement these wise words. I felt joy and hope and all the fulfillment that could be accomplished with this new spiritual ammo.
I joined everyone on the back patio and we had great conversation. It was nice to be a part of it without drama or high strong emotions on my part!
Lunch was good too because I ate my own food. I felt good about how I handled the kids and correcting their actions.
For most of the afternoon I was alone with the kids while others were out or napping. I kept having strong food desires to eat just for the sake of eating. BUT, I held off until 3:00 (YEAH) and had watermelon (yummy) and 1or maybe 2 rice cakes.
We took the kids swimming in the early evening. I always have a hard time in a swimming suit around others. I feel ugly about my body shape and weight, my hair (which is too thin), and my face which is too ugly with no make up. Plus it didn't help that we were at a higher income community and most of the women were very in shape.
I had a very hard time enjoying conversation. They were speaking of their desires to have permanent eyeliner and lip color done. It's hard to talk about something I can't afford because it makes me sad, mad that it's my health situations that don't allow us to afford it, and envious that they haven't had to face all we have had to face and that they get to think about care-free, luxurious things like tattooed make-up.
Also, a discussion of a girl's only trip came up. But even this was a hard conversation to enjoy because I won't be able to enjoy it since I won't be able to buy anything wherever we go, yet they would have all the freedom to do so.
At dinner I knew something was wrong because I just wanted to eat and eat and eat. I just couldn't feel satisfied. I forced myself to stop after a little bit of overeating.
My biggest regret of the day: being short tempered with my kids when I was emotionally sad, resentful, or frustrated. I wish I could have rather been calm and pictured myself in their shoes for awhile to have the compassion for how they were feeling (too tired and frustrated as well).
God please help me to speak "as one speaking the very words of God." (1 Peter 4:11)
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