What I Do Know

I posted my entry about yesterday only because I felt like the integrity of this year's journey would be compromised if I didn't.  I want to stay true to every step of the journey even if that means that all of the wrong steps are recorded as well. 

So, today, this is what I do know:

1.)  God is merciful to me
2.)  My kids are a gift from God.  God has bestowed His grace upon them and made them wonderful in spite of my messed up parenting.
3.)  I have some great friends who go out of their way to make my family feel loved.
4.)  Aaron is a man who has love like no other.  He is a man set apart by his patience, his forgiveness, he humility, his understanding, his ability to never give up in what he believes in, his ability to see the good in everyone, and his ability to find true joy in life when  life gives him no reason to find joy.
5.)  Aaron is what I have described him to be since he first loved me: God's gift of saving grace here on earth.  Really, I honestly say from the depths of my soul that I don't believe I would be alive today without God's mercy of honoring me with the partnership of Aaron as my best friend and my love here on this earth.
6.)  I have got to learn to love in every way.  It must start with me learning to love myself or even like myself.  AND, it has to NOT be "for what I have done or what I will become" (words from JJ Heller song titled "Love Me").  This will be life changing.  If I can learn to stop beating myself up, I will think that no one else will have a reason to as well.  But, honestly, as of right now, I do believe that everyone has a reason to not love me. 
7.)  I need to honor my sensitive heart, but understand how to take care of it and how to control it.  I desire other people's love so strongly, more than any of them conceive, that I believe they have no right to not love me back.  That has to change.  The truest form of love is the kind that can love even when you know it will never be returned.  God and Jesus demonstrate this in Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
8.)  I mustn't just stop fighting my enemies, I must do what is opposite my fleshly nature and even start praying for them.  I realized when talking to Aaron that I do fight ugly.  Why?  Well, because the last thing I have ever wanted to do was hurt someone emotionally.  I never want to be in that arena.  Therefore, I have never learned how to throw a good blow to someone emotionally.  So, when I do feel like I've been punched emotionally and I end up stepping into that arena in order to try to punch them back emotionally, I end up scratching, biting, and pulling hair due to the fact I never wanted to learn a good punch.  So, I must against all odds, stay out of the emotional fighting arena because I will never win and it will always turn out ugly.  Also, Aaron brought up Matthew 5:38-48 a couple of weeks ago after thinking about me.  When he came home today he felt inclined to bring up the same passage.  I was completely against it a couple of weeks ago, but I know today that it is something I have no choice in.  This needs to become a part of my daily walk.
9.)  God is 100%, without a doubt, entwined in my life.  God speaks to me.  God parts waters for me.  God is not only in every step of my life, but every breath as well.  For instance, today I know of three ways:  He had me hear song after song, this morning about how he loves me NO MATTER WHAT and that there is still HOPE for me ("You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets, and "Strong Enough" by Matthew West to name two); when Aaron got home (we really hadn't talked since our one phone call conversation yesterday mid-day) God some how got the kids to be happily occupied for about an hour without once coming into the office where we ended up having a very mending talk (truly unbelievable if you knew how my kids usually are at that time of the day especially if they know their Daddy is home), and God had Aaron's mind be drawn to the same scripture in order to present it to me again.
10.)  God doesn't break a promise and is true to what he says.  He has told me a lot over the last year and I need to trust in His words to me and not in only what I can see, hear, touch, taste, and feel (physically and emotionally).
11.)  I need to "get busy living or get busy dying" - quote at the end of the movie "Shawshank Redemption" that I finished that last 10 minutes of tonight.