Today feels like the first real entry of my attempt at living a new life.
My 'Declaration' feels like a punishment right when I approach it. When I'm wanting to eat and completely lose myself in the t.v. or the computer, it feels like a treat of life is being ripped away from me. It seems unfair and unjust. But, when I'm finally in the moment, it's not that bad.
I woke up this morning starving (probably because it's been two days without any binges) and decided that the normal 2 eggs and 2 slices of bacon just weren't going to cut it. I've been trying to stay away from very many carbs for two reasons: 1) My healing really excelled when I was low carbs because it was keeping any form of sugar/glucose out of my body which allowed it to heal faster, and 2) because I know that I won't put on any more weight very fast and I don't want to gain any more weight before this beach trip. BUT, this morning I went with what sounded good and what sounded like it would fill me up in a way that my body needed. So, I had a big bowl of Ezekiel cereal with Vanilla Almond Milk. The kids were still not awake, so I went back to my office to eat it. Normally I would watch something on t.v. and just veg before I needed to face the day. So, now how do I eat this whole huge bowl? It will take awhile. Do I just stare at things in the room? So, I just opened up the Bible. It turned open to the very first page of Ephesians (which I just read all of two days ago) but also included the last bit of Galations, so I decided I needed to read all of Galations.
Once again, God knows what He's doing and this book really struck me to the core. God it talking very straight forward with me right now. It's actually a great feeling just due to the fact that I hear Him and that makes me feel loved, worthy, and most of all, not alone - even if what He says is hard to swallow:
Galations 6:9 (I know it's weird to start at the end of the chapter, but that is what God had me first see, so I found it important to list in the way I read it.):
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:14
"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ"
Galatians 1:10
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? IF I WERE STILL TRYING TO PLEASE MEN, I WOULD NOT BE A SERVANT OF CHRIST."
Galatians 3:2-5
"I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? HAVE YOU SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR NOTHING - if it really was for nothing? DOES GOD GIVE YOU HIS SPIRIT AND WORK MIRACLES AMONG YOU BECAUSE YOU OBSERVE THE LAW, OR BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU HEARD?"
Galatians 3:21
"...For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law."
Galatians 4:9
"But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - HOW IS IT THAT YOU ARE TURNING BACK TO THOSE WEAK AND MISERABLE PRINCIPLES? DO YOU WISH TO BE ENSLAVED BY THEM ALL OVER AGAIN?"
Galatians 5:16-17
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and YOU WILL NOT GRATIFY the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in CONFLICT with each other, so that you DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT."
Galatians 6:7-9
"...A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap distruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I am still trying to please people (man) by making sure they think I'm worthy with a clean enough and decorated enough house, or with what size my body is or how pretty I look.
I suffered hell on earth last year. There were days I just cried knowing that the next day could be just a horrific as the current day and I would have to live through it was well, and on and on. But, I learned that God loved me NO MATTER WHAT. So, why now am I occupying myself with doing "good enough" again? Unlike the passage I didn't begin my Christian walk with knowing I was saved just because I believed/just by the Spirit. I began thinking it was everything to do with carrying out the law. Last year I learned that is not the case, so, again, why am I reverting back to my 'old self' ways of thinking that I have to appear good enough or do enough good things to earn love (God and man's)?
It is necessary that I start living by the Spirit, because otherwise it's plain as day that I will always gratify the desires of my flesh. I know so because that is how I've lived for decades now. I have lived in the 'conflict' God speaks of and the majority of the time I alwasy ended up doing what I didn't want to do! I'm done with that. I cannot keep living and having hope if that continues. Living by the Spirit is my only hope; my only option.
If a man reaps what he sows, wel,l I could be in for a world of hurt that carried on to generations to come. Since I'm not just sewing in my own life but in my children's lives as well, I want what I reap to be Godly instead of full of darkness as it has been for some time. (Again, kids, and Aaron, this is for you!)
Joys of the day: Took the kids swimming and they all did well. Aaris was a great big sis and occupied Skylyn while I really worked mentally with Titus to help him realize that he could dive deeper under water to retreive the water toys. He really started to make some head-way!
Got some productive things done durning the kid's nap time. Fought laying down to rest in order to catch Skylyn from pooping in her diaper after nap in hopes that we could get her to poop in the potty for the first time. I did catch her before she went in her diaper, but she never would go on the potty.
At dinner Aaron wanted to watch a movie while he and Aaris and Skylyn ate (Titus had a sleepover with Poppy). I stuck to my Declaration though and ate in the kitchen with no t.v.. It gave me the chance to finish up Galatians from where I had left off this morning.
At every meal I decided what amount of food I was going to eat and I did not excell that limit, so NO binges today! (This was really hard though when Aaron and I sat down to watch a different movie and I had to watch him sit there and eat Reese's Peanut Butter cups and M&M's)
BIGGEST NEWS OF THE DAY:
Since I wasn't preoccupied with eating, my mind, body and spirit where open to something very, very important this evening. As Aaron was putting Aaris to bed he talked to her about the language in the movie we had watched with her. He told her that we, as Christ followers, don't use that language. Well, it was like he had punctured a little whole into a dark bubble inside of her. That puncture turned into a gapeing whole that just poured out all the secrets she had been tring to hide. She said she couldn't bare the secrets any more. She said that she sometimes thinks bad words in her head or whispers them quitetly. Then, I guess since Aaron accepted that confession of hers in a loving way, she felt brave enough to be more vulnerable and open up the "most horrible thing she had ever done." She admitted to throwing away her supplements/medicine that she has supposed to be taking for months now. Well, I came in on the conversation when Aaron was quoting one of the memory verses the kids say all the time: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." Jame 5:16 I'm so very thankful that Aaron implemented and sternly followed through with the kids needing to have a good memorization of scripture, especailly in moments like this when he can take something they already have memorized and show how it is useful in real life.
That is when Aaris sat me down and got up the courage to tell me the truth. She was terrified. I think that only because God had equiped me in the past two days to be conscience, present, and alive in the moments of the day instead of lost in food, body image, or past grievances, I was able to accept what she had to say with love.
I mean, ISN'T THIS EVERY PARENTS PRAY? Don't we all pray that our children will ALWAYS KNOW THAT WE LOVE THEM ENOUGH FOR THEM TO TALK TO US ABOUT ANYTHING! We had a great heart to heart talk for about 20 minutes. She mentioned that when staying with Mimi one time, she got caught by Mimi for having thrown away the pills. But, she said that Mimi told her that she wouldn't tatel tell on her because it needed to be Aaris that told her parents the truth. I'm so thankful for the wisdom of grandparents!
So, thank you God for allowing me to have a hard, wonderful day!
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