Okay, Jessica, Shake - Him - Off!!! 'Him' referring to the devil. He's really put blinders up on me and kept my head down. I've only focused on all the weaknesses, insecurities, hurts, pain, discomforts, anger, disappointments, frustrations, flaws and negatives in my life. That is not living! Life is about moving forward, pressing on, staying present. I've retreated, fallen backwards, focused and relived pains and hurts in my life. I have told God that His plan for happiness, healing and even greatness in my life is too grand and unachievable. What kind of person thinks this? Someone who listens to the lies and fears of the devil. Is change going to be hard? Yes. Is change going to push me and is that going to hurt? Yes. Is breaking free from any prison seem impossible? Yes. But, when you know the truth that you are innocent and don't deserve to be there, is it worth anything and everything it takes to break out and be free? Yes. That's what I tried to choose today. I tried to choose getting back into life. I tried to choose being present.
This morning I woke up after a number of alarm snoozes to a song that just shook my soul and said, "Jessica, you're still worth it and I'm not giving up on you, so you don't need to give up on you." The song was "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets. The exact part of the song that came on with my alarm was "I am the thorn in your crown, but you love me anyway. I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway. I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway. Yes, and I am Judas' kiss, but you love me anyway." I don't know why it's true, but it is. I am just that bad, but for some reason this morning I believed God when He said He loved me anyway. And, that alone made it worth getting out of bed. I knew I could still have a day that might not turn out to be nothing but me falling flat on my face, wiping out emotionally or mentally or physically, making nothing but mistakes, backing down from challenges, but just knowing that God still loved (also knowing these things about me) made it bearable and possible to make it through the day.
God then just kept hitting home the point with song after song. I think the song right after "You Love Me Anyway" was "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. Not long after that I was in the kitchen and I heard "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North, and "Stronger" by Mandisa.
Today was just about me picking myself up and shaking off the dust of wallowing in filth for the last couple of days. I needed to stay present and stay moving. I spent most of my day in the kitchen. First it was a complete disaster after dumping so much there after the trip. On top of that we went to the store yesterday to buy all fresh veggies and fruits but they were just lying around needing to be washed and put away. Then, I didn't have any of my most beneficial foods prepared. I really needed to get some stuff cooked and ready to grab knowing that if I didn't than I would be tempted twice as strongly to grab something non beneficial.
God spoke loudly through my kids today. They smothered me with phrases like, "You're the best Mommy in the whole world." Mentally it hard to hear that because I know all of the ways in which I've failed them and fallen short of doing my best for them, but my spirit needed to hear that they loved me and still held me in high regards. Then, almost any other time when we are stuck at home and I am occupied with getting a task done the kids end up getting on each other's nerves and or hanging all over me. Well, today was a gift from God because he kept them all happy together all day, pre-occupied making up games and playing together. I was able to get so much accomplished in order to be prepared for stumbling blocks and it was all due to God babysitting the kids for me today.
During nap time I continued to read from the book "Made to Crave." It's been really good.
After nap I took the kids to the library. There were a number of books and educational videos due today. Aaris asked when she could get her own library card. I didn't think she could but I told her to ask the librarian. She did and the age requirement was 6. She proudly said she was 7! I observed as she then proceeded to walk over to the librarian sitting in the kid's section, beamed with joy as she showed the lady her new card, and then asked for assistance in finding some more books to check out.
Last night Aaris finished reading another book in the New Testament, so were were flipping through to find what she wanted to read next. Her bible happened to fall open to the book of "Titus". Oh boy did she perk up and so did Titus. She just read the opening section, but I've never seen Titus so attentive to her reading before. They were both so in awe of Titus being named after a real person in the Bible. Aaris really liked the idea that the book of Titus was actually a letter written to Titus from Paul. See, devil. These are the true sweet treats that linger on my pallet and quench my hunger in life.
Well, good night. I'm off to bath so I can start off tomorrow fresh and a new and ready to step into life.
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