So, today I got hit hard from withdrawals of food binges! After a frustrating morning of shopping for things for the beach trip and not getting everything I needed, probably buying more of other things than I didn't need, feeling guilty for giving to a charity that I want to support but spending money Aaron and I don't have, and having a conversation with my brother and hearing him have food addiction problems, I just didn't want to face anything else.
After lunch I just wanted to start a project that would make me feel good, productive, useful, and proud of accomplishing something. But, could I do that, NO. WHY? Well, because I have my in-laws that are going to be hanging out at our house for the next two days. What's the problem with that? Well, my mother-in-law likes for things to appear very pretty, proper, clean and in order/in place. I love her, but with the way she has always talked about people (girls her sons should have dated in particular) it was always about how cute, or pretty, or tiny, or accomplished they were at a talent or occupation. I don't remember her stating that a girl was really an amazing Christ follower or had a beautiful spirit. And, well, in her house you just don't let things get out of place. I was once belittled and ridiculed for having placed a wooden knife in the dishwasher. Again, I love her, but I can never feel completely comfortable around her because, well, she just doesn't give off the vibe that she's okay with 'whatever makes you feel good or comfortable'.
Knowing this meant that all of my free time was going to be needed to sweep the whole house, mop, clean all of the bathrooms, detail the kitchen, go through and get rid of the mail pile, and get all of the laundry folded and put away was overwhelming, frustrating, made me angry, and frankly, depressing. So, really ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS EAT. I wanted to go and just get whatever sounded good without sugar and eat. Eat and watch t.v. and just not face these emotions. Not face the circumstances that I unfortunately can't control (my mother-in-law's personal preferences).
I went and just layed down on the bed. Aaris came and layed with me. I started to tear up. She asked me why. I told her that we all have our demons and our battles that we have to face that seem too hard. She then proceeded to tell me that we don't have to face them along because we have God and He's bigger than anything! God bless that angel. She asked if I would like to be alone for awhile and I said yes. I was about to sob and have a soul wrenching cry and I didn't want her to see it. And, that is exactly was I did. I just cried and cried. I wanted comfort so badly. I did flip open my bible and this is what I read:
2 Thessalonians 1:11
"With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith."
(God would fulfill whatever act I could muster my soul to get up and do instead of lay there and cry)
2 Timothy 3:11-12
"We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busy-bodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat."
(A good cry is always healing, but then, Jessica, get up and do something - you're a wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter, so there are plenty of ways that you am needed)
I then preceded to get straight out of bed and grab the broom and start sweeping the whole house and the front porch and sidewalk. I then mopped the kitchen and two guest bathrooms. By this time we needed to move on to the next planned activity of the day.
We had planned a dinner date with another family from church who live a very long way out on a farm. It was hard to get geared up for because of all I still needed to accomplish around the house, but let me tell you, it ended up being so worth it. We had a fantastic time getting to know them all so much better!
Oh, and she had gone out of her way to make sure everything she cooked was sugar free...so sweet and thoughtful! I did eat two plate fulls, but didn't feel like I was breaking the Declaration. I knew sitting down that I was extremely hungry. I think it was because we were eating a little later than planned which got my tummy to rumbling, but also it could have been due to all of the physical work I had been doing around the house so I needed refueled more than normal.
By the time we got home and the kids to bed, it was after 9:00 PM. Aaron wanted to watch a movie but it had been over 3 hours since I had eaten and I needed something else to eat especially since I knew I would be up extremely late tonight still cleaning. I also new Aaron wasn't going to sit around twiddling his thumbs while I sat quietly to eat my rice cakes. So, this time I did break my Declaration. I eat watching the movie with him. I had also told myself that I would only have 3 of them, but I had 4. Then, since I was still hungry, I had a small glass of Almond Milk. I then MADE myself stop because I could have kept eating, but I new with all of my education, that I would feel more satisfied as time passed and the food made it's way to my stomach. It felt really great to have more control than normal.
Thank you God for lifting me up today and being bigger than my food addiction!
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