So, in my Ladies Bible Class this morning I found myself in a place I hadn't expected. Women were sharing fears and then also sharing their dreams. This wasn't like most classes where you give blanket answers like I hope my kids grow up to be good kids, or I fear I'm not praying enough. Oh, no, these were dark secretive fears that came from their guts and their most vulnerable selves. So, when it came to my turn I revealed this fear; the fear that I have an addiction that I will never escape and that will keep me imprisoned and eventually kill me. This is my Hell Mary Pass. If I can't get it together now, I don't see hope of there being another time I will have enough hope left to try.
If I can't face my deepest wounds, my sharpest pain, my most debilitating doubts, and my worst nightmare of being completely abandoned, I will not be able to move on with the rest of my life. So, what is at the core of all of this unbearable emotion that I keep avoiding with food, or accomplishments, or body image, or 'performing' in the most acceptable way? It's what the teacher wrote on the board for my fear after hearing me speak: being unaccepted and unloved.
All of the ladies were so comforting and loving, but still unaware of how deep I am in this trap. At times it feels like I'm in the bottom of a very deep, dark, muddy hole. Everyone above can see me, but instead of having any desire to help me out or encourage me, they just keep throwing more mud down on me in the form of guilt and shame. I should feel guilty for leading my kids astray with bad habits I've unawarely taught them. I should feel ashamed of neglecting them and making them feel unloved, unheard, or unworthy because I've put food or my body ahead of them. I should feel guilty for having the gift of being a stay at home mom, but not being able to fulfill the duties of keeping a good house, being a good cook, or knowing how to manage all the financial affairs. I should be ashamed of marrying a man that without the burden of such a broken wife could have accomplished so much more success and security through all of his hard work. Here's the horrific catch: the only way to not have the guilt and shame and to fix all of these wrongs that I've done is to get out of the whole. But, I can't get out of the whole with them throwing more wet, slippery, heavy mud on me. I can't grab ahold of anything to even try to climb out.
Being unaccepted and unloved is most fearsome when I think it may come from God. He has rescued me time and time and time and time and time again. He has been speaking of how to change through scripture, song, friends, and even through my own mouth when I'm trying to teach my kids a lesson. But, what if I can't ever change. What if I can't ever do enough on my part to make His part worth doing any more? What if He is seeing that I can't ever implement everything I have been taught and ever teach others to do?
So, again, this is my Hell Mary. This year has got to work. I'm tired of just walking around in the same crappy thinking, doing, and feeling. All that is doing is leaving a stink that keeps turning everyone I want in my life away. But, really, who wants to be around my crap any more. I know if they're tired of being around it, they should only understand how nasty it feels to live in it. (Someone spoke of something similar to this in class today, so thanks again ladies for shaking up my thoughts.)
Okay, so update on eating: Good. Never ate in front of a t.v. or computer. I ate more than one plate at dinner, but I seem to be so hungry and I only eat good stuff like meat and veggies as my seconds.
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