Woke up not wanting to face the day and the rest of the day just seemed to spiral down hill. I think I need to realize I need time to wind down from a trip like this both emotionally and physically. I jumped straight from having to be 'on' constantly to prove myself as a parent, wife, sister, and daughter to then trying to let myself be un-tapped and real. I also jump from being able to enjoy hardly any looming or ongoing obligations to being in charge of everything and then some: house keeper, bills and mail (electronic and snail mail), grocery shopping and menu planning, blogging, and also getting everything unpacked and put away.
So tired at church (nodded off to sleep twice during the morning) and feeling unmotivated to assert myself to try and search out people to connect with. So, instead I just sat and people watched. Wow, there are so many people who really connect at this church, and yet I have to work hard at trying to find anyone to connect to each time I'm there.
I wanted to go and find a corner in a back room and curl up and sleep. The only reason I didn't was that I didn't want to miss communion. I tried to find a place to sit where I could take communion and then sneak out to find that back room I longed for earlier. Well, God had other plans. He had a row of loving ladies from my ladies bible class that waved me over and invited me to sit with them. Several times throughout the morning I had to hold back the tears from rolling down my cheeks from how touched I felt by their acceptance.
That morning the message was about unity and accepting each other. It hurt to look all around at the families my age and know that non of them showed that they accepted Aaron and I. At least I had this group of ladies that loved on me. If I didn't have them I think I would be hopeless. I do have some ladies our age that have loved on me, but we don't have anyone that calls us up to participate in their lives outside of church gathering.
But, come on, let's just face it. I'm really having a HARD time overcoming this eating addiction and therefore HATE being me and in my own skin, so it's hard for me to see why anyone would love me or like being around me.
After getting home from church I just hit full depression mode. I couldn't face any of the luggage I didn't know how to face the journal entries. I didn't now how to face getting caught up on my regular blog in order to get to do my post of this beach trip. And, I definitely didn't know how to be strong against my eating addition. I had a small binge at lunch. Worked a small bit on the computer and then crashed into a nap.
I was awoken by a play date scheduled with a super sweet mother of one of Aaris' friends and her daughter. Aaris loves playing with this friend and love talking and connecting with her. It was great to spend time with her. I am in awe of her and all that she faces and how strong she is against all obstacles!
Then, the evening came and Aaron came home. He took the kids out to eat while I worked on the computer and overate yet again.
I didn't get to bed until 2:30 AM feeling sick and trying to push through on some of the blogging and journaling.
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