Not of Those

Tonight as I went through the kid's memory verses with them one of them suddenly popped out like never before: Hebrews 10:39 "But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."  I hear you God.  I AM a FOOD ADDICT, but I will not shrink back to it and have destruction be my future.  I WILL believe that God will help me overcome and will save me from this addiction imprisonment.

Today was a long day.  Woke up and took the kids swimming.  Not my favorite thing when I feel fat, but glad we had something to pass our time together.  Then, this afternoon when Skylyn went down for nap the older kids and I sat down and watched the Movie "Iron Will" while I repacked their bags for our weekend trip we leave for tomorrow morning.  I really wanted to eat this whole afternoon, but I just tried to keep moving.  I fixed a good dinner of fish, and fresh veggies and right as we sat down for dinner I realized I had completely forgotten about Care Group being at our house tonight.  With Aaron being out late again and me trying to get ready for tomorrow it just slipped my mind.  Thank goodness the other couple was late and they are non judgemental towards a messy house.  We had a short but sweet lesson and talk.

After that it was bedtime routine by myself.  As soon as that was over I walked out of their room and felt hungry.  Well, that was it.  I had had a long day all by myself with the kids and I 'deserved' something besides my meat and veggies diet.  So, I went for crackers (no sugar), 1/2 jar of peanut butter, and corn chips (no sugar).  That solidifies it.  I'm an addict.  I can't just eat one cracker, have one taste of peanut butter, or one handful of corn chips.  No, I have to keep going until I feel sick.  So, why not just throw a bowl of Ezekiel Cereal on there as well (hoping the fiber will help push this junk through my system faster). 

As I sat there and ate and watched a reality show I saw a man who just got out of prison for making the same stupid mistakes he had made time and time again.  This wasn't a hardened criminal.  This was just someone who decided that following the rules was just too hard.  He desires for fulfilling his immediate desires was more important than staying out of jail or rehab to be with his family.  On the same note, just a few days ago I watched a show where a morbidly obese person was given everything needed and then some (free trips, free home makeover to have a top-notch in-home gym, free car, free skin removal surgery, free in-home personal trainer) to transform their lives and lose the weight.  Even with all of those motivators, only one of the 6 contestants has actually stepped up and changed and saved their lives!  My situation may not be in that arena, but it is still very much the same. 

I still think the same way when it comes to my eating.  I would rather choose the immediate comfort of a bite of food than the long term fulfillment of change.  I still think that filling my cravings with food is somehow better than filling my cravings with God.  For some reason I shrink back from the immeasurable fullness my life could be because I somehow start not believing I was made capable of change.  For some reason I don't believe that God made me strong enough to overcome the greatest of odds/temptations/fleshly demands.  I for some reason don't think that Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through Him that gives me strength" can apply to my eating.  Well, that is no longer going to be allowed in my thinking.  I know my addiction is going to come out fighting tooth and nail.  I know it's going to play dirty pulling hair, scratching, and biting, but I HAVE to not shrink back.  It can't just be words any more.  My actions HAVE to change.  This is the only way I can fight this monster back.  My turning the other cheek and just taking the sucker punches will be the only way for me to win.

SO...

Aaris, Titus, Skylyn,

This is the day your Mommy decided that she will not be one who shrinks back and is destroyed.  This is the day she faced all of her physical desires and decided that from now on she is saying "NO" to them!  This is the day that I realize that I will have to cry many a tear and feel many a lose and taste many of pain in order to be saved.  Never will I look at you in the eyes again and tell you to not shrink back and not know exactly what you are feeling.  Never again will I tell you to not chose destruction of your best self, your grandest dreams, or your blindest faith yet have let my best self, grandest dreams and blindest faith be destroyed.

Aaron,

This is the day that your wife started the journey to living her life instead of living her past.  This is the day that she decided it was better to walk through fire and be refined than to step back and constantly re open wounds of the pain and hurts of her past.  This is the day she choose to ask God to help her see her life for the huge blessing and richness that it is instead of the flaws and mistakes she couldn't let go of.  This is the day she chose love over all else.

I'm almost in tears knowing that almost every day for quite some time now will involve tears, pain, frustration, and the strongest physical urge and desire to give up, but again, this is a fight for my life (physically, mentally, and spiritually) and I CANNOT shrink back and be destroyed!