Angry at the Truth - August 5

This day can be summed up in one word: anger.  That is all I felt all day, how I acted all day, and how I spoke all day, and how I thought all day.

I still had a lot of shopping I wanted to do.  This was something that I looked forward to in order to please my fleshly desires.  I want to decorate.  It's fun and I truly enjoy it.  BUT, as soon as I got to the first store and started buying the stuff that we needed yet couldn't find it all I started to feel the anger build.

Then the second store it and this is when it was supposed to get fun.  I was buying decorations for my son's new room.  But, once again the kids just irked me!  The primary thing is that they weren't listening to me in any form or fashion.  This lead to them not obeying my requests and to me feeling drained of energy - and therefore drained of patience.  

I haven't screamed at my kids in a LONG time, but today I screamed about 4 times to the point of my throat and head hurting.  This lead to more anger.  I was so angry that I had let anger take over my day and impact my kids in a horrible way.  

I came home from the morning, fixed the kids their lunch and then grabbed mine.  I told them I was too angry to set with them and took all my stuff to the back to eat by myself and watch t.v..  I ended up binging.  I ate an entire bag of vegetable chips and rice 1/2 bag of rice cakes on top of my lunch (chicken smothered in guacamole).

At one point Aaris came to tell me that the time on the oven was beeping for the cookie cake I was making Aaron for his birthday.  She actually saved the cookie from burning, but I just yelled at her.  Why?  Because she came down the hall too loudly and could have woken Skylyn.  Why would this be bad?  Because I didn't want to parent her yet.   I didn't want to have to engage with my kid yet and she might have just forced that to be so.  As soon as I yelled at her I new I was 100% wrong.  I knew that I was crushing her for no big reason.  I just fell to the floor and cried.  I was so angry that I had allowed this anger to hurt my sweet Aaris.  

I then decided to talk to Aaris about my disease of depression.  I felt like she deserved to know that the truth and that the problem was with mommy and not with her.  I wanted her to know that mommy was really commented to beating this disease and stopping this behavior.  

Aaris birthday was okay.  I was uncomfortable the whole time because of the looming anger that wouldn't go away and the depression that was causing.  

I got home and Aaron left for several reasons - one being to go watch a movie at the $1 theater.  I was happy because I could drown myself in all of the rice cakes and almond milk I could stuff into my mouth.

The one thing that brought any relief and released some of my inner pressure was when I flipped my Bible open up to 1 Chronicles 22 again.  This time I read on through the next several chapters and read that David "died at a good old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth and honor."  Okay, so maybe God wasn't telling me Sunday night that I was about to dye.

As I wrapped up the evening God enlightened me to let me know the source of all of my anger.  I was anger at Him, God, calling me out the night before.  I was angry that I knew the truth that I probably shouldn't be spending money on decorating these two rooms, but I wanted to do it anyway.  I was angry that I probably shouldn't be spending money on putting the kids into gymnastics or trying to put Aaris in dance, but I wanted to do it anyway.