Woke up ready to load the kids up and get started out on our possible 10 hour drive home. Then, Aaron came and told me that his parents were willing to take all the kids back with them on his small airplane so that Aaron and I could have the day and drive back all to ourselves. I don't like little planes!! I was not going to okay this. Therefore I told Aaron that if he wanted to let the kids fly he was going to have to make that call. Well, of course he did. So, we dove the kids out to the airport.
I really didn't want to let them go, but I kissed them good-bye and did.
BUT, here is where God's insight the night before kicked in: Aaris started freaking out and telling me all the bad things that could happen in the plane and how it could crash. I IMMEDIATELY GRABBED HER IN THE BIGGEST BEAR HUG I COULD GIVE. I whispered in her ear that is what God is doing to her every second of her life. He is always holding on to her this tightly and wrapping her up in His love this strongly. She calmed down. I also told her that when I fly I just picture God's hand under the plane the whole time just carrying our plane from one point to the other and setting up safely down. She told me later that night that she pictured that the whole time and wasn't scared.
Now, I felt horrible physically. I felt like I needed to have diarrhea the whole day but just couldn't. I ate as well as I possibly could. BUT, this was the scary part. I could feel that my body just wasn't functioning well. My heart seemed to be working hard. I believe I took half of a potassium pill (two by the end of the day). Almost the whole trip I had to talk myself down from anxiety attacks since we were traveling out in the middle of no where with impossible phone reception (in case I needed medical attention).
I did end up having a great time just talking one-on-one with Aaron. I know he had a book on the dashboard that he would have loved to have read, but I thank him for putting me above that. My favorite part was going through my old home town of Winters with him and practically showing him every memorable place I could. What struck me was realizing how financially strapped my parents must have been (from the humbleness of the places we lived), yet how I never once remember feeling 'lacking'. I too could see how my dad must have been driven to keep becoming learned in college to rise us above that stage in our lives and his career.
After we finally got home I just crumbled. I couldn't even open up one bag to put things away. I just went and numbed myself out from the week of feeling I had just faced. I lost my mind in t.v. show after t.v. show trying to take my mind off of the scariness of how my body was feeling.
I finally REALLY, DEEPLY wanted to go and get some peanut butter or more mixed nuts. I grabbed my bible instead and opened it up to see what God had to say to me. I will now write word for word what I wrote in my journal so you can maybe somewhat grasp the trembling fear I became overtaken with:
"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't end my life on the earth yet. Please don't turn my earthly body off yet. I know I haven't dug myself out of this trenches of this eating addiction (for almost 20 years now), BUT PLEASE don't give up on me!! I would like to hold onto the hope that, THROUGH YOU, this addiction can be conquered and I can go on to be used as an earthly vessel to teach what you are, and will continue to do in my life - which, unbelievably has been filled with grace, mercy, and forgiveness."
I had just read 1 Chronicles 22
Read it and you will see why I feel the fear of my life coming to an end.
The rest of the evening I had some diarrhea, and felt bad - then worse, then worse. By late that night I was bent over in pain. It felt like something ridged had shoved it way through my entire intestines and they were now on fire from inflammation and irritation. I just curled up in bed to scared to to turn the lights off in case that meant the lights were going out on my life here on earth.
All of my feelings this day and my understanding on what was safe and real verses what seemed uncertain and fear driven were just left up in the air.
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