Grieving a Loss

Woke up and took our time getting ready.  The kids begged me not to leave my Aunt's house so they could keep playing in their playroom. 

But, we did.  We met a good friend of our that use to go to church with us here in Austin at the Lubbock Science Spectrum.  What a blast for the kids!!!  And I really was thankful to get to catch up with her!  It wasn't as intimate as I had hoped since we were chasing down kids, but it was a delight none the less.

I decided to head back to my Aunts for lunch since she had such great leftovers and the kids could have a fun place to chill for a second.  Again, we had good conversation.

Then, we headed to our friend's house that Aaron and I both knew from school (me high school and us both from college).  She lives right across the street from Lubbock Christian University!  That's where I stared my college experience.  I had such a terrific time visiting with her.  She is just a genuine loving friend.  And, our kids played well.  Before I needed to leave her house we had her husband watch the kids while she drove me around the LCU campus.  This is where it got hard.

I just sat there in the car and just played reel after reel of memories in my head from every inch of every building on that campus.  And, of course with every memory came every emotion.  All I could remember where the good memories.  The times I was just filled with true joy, delight, excitement, accomplishment, laughter, friendship and anticipation.  I had such HIGH HOPES for my life at LCU.  I felt like I had found my home.  I had found the place where I could be most free and have no end to my potential.  WOW, did that dream 'home' every crash and burn so unexpectedly for me!  This is where my eating disorder of anorexia swooped in without me ever realizing it and stole my life.  Then, depression, bulimia, and laxative abuse immediately followed and torched what shell was left of me.  I left LCU nothing but a pile of burnt up ashes. 

I just started to cry in my friend's car.  I sat there in so much pain.  I had not been back to LCU to really grieve the loss of what I had missed out on:  the lifelong relationships and the once in a lifetime experiences.  They were stolen from me and now all I get to do is observe all of those people relishing in their continued relationships and their continued experiences together.  Even typing it I feel like crying right now. 

This is the biggest lose I have ever felt here on this earth.  It will always be painful.  I don't know if I will ever be able to be at the LCU campus without grieving.  I hope that my kids will go there or at least someplace similar...someplace where they can feel the freedom to soar.

Finished off the day with visiting a dear friend of mine from LCU and then heading back to my Aunt and Uncles.  Skylyn obviously didn't sleep when I laid her down for nap and was so cranky and tired that I put her down for bed without even eating supper.  My Uncle was gone at an elder's meeting and the older kids were completely occupied with the playroom.  This once again left a good couple of hours of talking openly and honestly with my Aunt.  I once again truly enjoyed the fact that we both got to speak from the heart to each other.