Dove In

Dove into insecurities today.

I did wake up and cook eggs and bacon for breakfast that everyone enjoyed.  I ate too many. 

Then, the kids wanted to swim in the cool pool again which I had missed out on the morning before hand because I had already put myself together for the day (make-up all applied and hair all blown out).  But, today I really didn't want to miss out.  Their pool had a diving board and a slide.  The first thing I did was do a front flip off of the diving board.  My brother-in-law had done several the morning before and everyone thought it was cool.  I wanted the same reaction, but did not get it (at least that is what I felt like).  But, I did have fun.  I caught a couple of balls thrown at me while jumping off the diving board. 

At one point I really wanted to up my game and try and do a back layout off the diving board.  I decided to practice on the trampoline but decided I might not clear the board well enough to feel comfortable.  I felt anger at this because how else was I going to get any attention in a praise worthy way.  This could have been one area where I felt most like an 'expert' or most accomplished and able to do something that other's hadn't been trained in as well.  I wanted something that made people perk up and respect me for the amount of work and expertise I had invested and still retained. 

We then headed over to Aaron's grandparents house join all the other family members.  I had a great lunch with foods I really liked.  I ate more than enough but I still didn't fill full.  So, after about an hour of feeling this way I broke down and ate about another whole can of peanuts.  Enjoyed eating them very much, but felt bloated and disgusting.

After a short while we headed over to our house of lodging along with most everyone else to all get in the pool together.  I again, did all the tricks I could off of the diving board.  I did front flips, toe touches, dives, and ball catches (or more like attempts).  A few times someone said something but most of the time people did seem at all impressed.  Oh, my little heart was breaking. 

The kids ended up later getting to ride on a burrow that was there on the farm.  They also plaid more on the little motorized tractor toys they had.  We even witnessed Titus' discovering how to pop a wheelie on one.  I got a couple of good shoots with my camera and then went and told him that probably wasn't the best idea.  ;)

Then, Aaron's dad's cousin pulled out his Polaris and his 4 wheeler.  I had fun on the Polaris with Aaron.  I told him how I could completely be happy living in a place like Lubbock or even Clovis.  I saw how Aaris really ate up the farming life (she likes to have 'Jobs' to do and she loves farm animals) and how Titus could be great at being the touch farm hand and working on and with all of the tools.  I grew up a small town girl and LOVED it.  In fact just in Lubbock one of my friend's husbands asked me where my favorite place to live was and I said Winters, TX.  It is the smallest town I ever lived in with one fast food restaurant and two stop lights and we walked everywhere, but it was so cozy and homey.

I then took Aaris on a 4 wheeler ride.  She freaked out!  She was terrified.  I told her that she was going to be fine.  There was no way I was going to let anything happen to her.  Then, I talked to her about how she could live in all of this fear she's been feeling lately and just be an observer of life.  She could just watch other people experience things that seemed to push their comfort levels but that ended up being amazing moments in life for them.  OR, she could push through these fears and be a participant of life.  She could be the one experiencing those exhilarating moments in life.  She still freaked out until I had finally had enough of it and went to drop her off so I could keep having fun.  She screamed and begged to stay on.  She did and I really thought she was learning to enjoy it until I saw the pictures a few days later and realized that she still looked terrified.

I don't even know what we did for dinner except that afterwards I once again ate on a lot of mixed nuts.

That night I felt sick and like my body was just not working right.  As I turned off the lights I saw the reflection still on my retina fade and it actually scared me.  It felt in my heart that that was actually a glimpse of what my life was doing.  I had an incredibly hared time falling asleep.  I was scared that I wouldn't wake up because my heart would give out in the middle of the night and I couldn't get medical help fast enough.  When I feel my body not working right my mind just starts to race with fear.

So, as I was lying there unable to relax and sleep I really tried to look back over the day and see what feeling there really were that I was trying to deal with (unsuccessfully of course).  Here is what I came up with:

ONE

I WASN'T TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE ELSE, I WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS MYSELF.  I FELT SO INSECURE THAT I WAS TRYING TO FEEL SECURE IN SOMETHING, WHICH IN THIS CASE WAS THE ABILITIES OF MY FLESH AND BONES.  HOW FOOLISH I MUST HAVE LOOKED PUTTING ON MY CIRCUS ACT OF TRICKS TO TRY AND GET ATTENTION!

I was so very, very intimidated by other pretty ladies in the family.  Of course they are both 10 years and more younger than me and have never birth a child, but they were both beautiful and well liked and talked to.  One in particular was one that ate at my insecurity the most.  She was tall and lean and was big into running and working out.  She was who I wanted to be physically and who in the past I had been at my leanest and most disciplined self.  She was the strong, muscular, lean and trim lady of the family.  I was not.  (especially looking at pictures I see how big I've gotten again on my lower half.)

TWO

Secondly, I feel like I now know what I really MUST do when Aaris is overcome and consumed with fear.  I MUST NOT get angry at her.  I MUST NOT try to beat the fear out of her.  I MUST instead love it out of her.  I MUST grab her and just bear hug her and envelop her so intensely that she cannot help but be consumed with love which will hopefully push all the fear out of the way.