A Disappointment

'A Disappointment' sums up how I felt others thought of me this day.

I woke up an hour late and therefore didn't have any time to be showered and ready for the day, the kids dressed and ready, breakfast eaten and the car packed before we went to pick Aaron up from the airport.  I know he probably wanted to just get on the road and head to Clovis, but that just was not the case.  We went back and spent another hour at my Aunt's getting ready to go.  Aaron is not an extrovert, therefore being forced to visit with my Aunt all by himself was probably not the most comfortable situation for him.  Then we swung by my Uncle and cousin's work to see them in 'action' and say good-bye (but for Aaron hello and good-bye).

Clovis was hard.  I have not been the best person I could be for the past 14 years they have known me.  I have been prideful, judgemental, and foolish - all the things that come along with being 100% insecure about who I was as a person.  That leads to me now feeling like I'm nothing but a complete embarrassment and disappointment and someone who deserves no respect.  I just don't know how they could ever believe me enough to be convinced that I am truly sorry and that I'm doing my best to change and be a completely different person who wants to only live and exude love.  I'm not there yet, but I'm giving it my all. 

This was a roller coaster day with my emotions all stirred up.  I wished to more food this day (sugar and all) more than any other day of this journey.  What kept me going was remembering what Aaron told me, "People want to be around people that make them feel good."  So, even though I wanted to break down, be depressed, and retreat by myself away from everyone to avoid the pain, I just kept trying to stay engaged and acting positive. 

I know that most of my sadness now comes from mourning the relationships I could have had with this family.  mourning the persona people in this family could have had of me.  I screwed up my place in this family and this is a hard and painful pill to swallow.

That is the pain that kept hitting me in crashing waves today.  And, OH, I was SO MAD not to be able to soothe that pain with a savory and delicious sugary treat!

Tonight was especially hard.  I realized Aaron and I were going to be sleeping on an air mattress and I knew that could be bad for my neck and back.  I humbly approached Aaron brother about changing sleeping arrangements so I could sleep on a real mattress.  Well, it turned into a huge discussion between my mother-in-law and I.  She felt like my request showed a lack of appreciation for her and Aaron's dad for arranging for us to stay where we were staying (my father-in-law's cousin's house who lives on a farm and has a beautiful house with a deluxe swimming pool and a fun RV for the kids to sleep in - all free of charge (big deal for us)).  WHAT!?  That was in NO way what I was implying.  I simply, as gently as possible, requested that for the sake of my health (and finances to fix my health) I could sleep on a real mattress.

By this time all I could focus on were the experiences I had had in the past with my in-laws and how certain people take precedence over other people.  All I could feel was anger knowing that if the shoe was on the other foot and my brother-in-law requested a different sleep arrangement to better any need that seemed even remotely important for him or anyone in his family we would all be shuffled around to make his request happen. 

(I have since found out that pretty much that was the case for this trip.  Everyone knew that my sister-in-law really didn't want to come on this trip and therefore wanted to make things as comfortable for her as possible.  And something you need to know is that I completely understand that request, but no one weighed that against another request which happened to be mine and which happened to be medically/financially based.  I'm by no means mad at my sister-in-law, but I am hurt that it feels like once again someone else was worth more than me.  For me it's never the 'stuff' that gets me upset.  It's the message behind the 'stuff' that is hurtful.)

All I could harbor on where the thoughts that it seems like no one can give me a chance to be different and therefore no one trusts me.  It felt like no one was trusting the fact that my request was valid and a legitimate health issue.  There are other people in Dennington family tree that have chiropractic problems, but unlike me, they are shown compassion and respect.  I feel like I have a huge stamp labeled across me that reads "Handicapped."  All of this was not good thinking, but I just couldn't find a positive way out of it.

Went to bed crying from emotional pain and scared of what type of physical complications and pain I could wake up with.