White Flag - August 7

Today.  Oh, how do I describe it?

Aaron had told me the night before that he would like to sleep in today to get caught up on rest and then do some things around the house that had been neglected (a.k.a. mowing the lawn).  That meant I needed to help with the class he helps to teach.  Well, he woke me up at 7:30, dressed and ready to go and I asked why he decided to not sleep in.  He basically said because he didn't trust me to get up in time to leave to teach his class.  Wow, that was a punch in the gut.  Not a fun way to wake up!

After that I pretty much was just thrown right back into the reality of my life.  There is not one thing that I can stand on and feel good about as far as who I am.  If I don't even know black from white in my thinking, then how can I manage changing my emotions and finding balance in them?  I obviously don't know what real balance should be intellectually now.  How can I conquer food addiction when I don't know intellectually what is physical hunger and what is emotional or spiritual hunger?  How can I beat depression when I don't know intellectually what I should be focusing on to recover and not just throw myself into something not healthy or beneficial?  How do I trust myself, or trust ANYTHING, after finding out that even my intellect and common sense is not in check with what is supposed to be normal?

COMPLETE HOPELESSNESS is all I could feel.  Not only did a face each day not being able to find peace in a physically broken body that on a dime can get out of alignment and my neck could freeze up or that could just drop potassium and my heart doesn't want to pump or my limbs don't want to move, but now I faced possessing no inner peace as well.  I thought things were hard when I realized that I wasn't just fighting depression but also a food addiction.  Then, I just about threw the towel in and gave up when I realized that everything about my emotions had to be rewritten and rewired in order for me to function around people and not feel crushed, or in turn not do the crushing.  But, now, realizing that I don't even know how to trust my gut intuition or my thinking process - how could any of this be possible?

This morning I pulled out the white flag and just waved it with all the energy I could muster up.  I surrender.  I CAN'T TO IT.  It's too much.  But, the thing that weighed on me the most was knowing that now I was stuck in this screwed up mind and body for the rest of my life.  That was the reality that left me incapacitated.  

I just felt like screaming, "Guess what people, you don't like being around me, but I don't like it even more than you!  I hate me.  I hate being a loving and beautiful soul that is smoothered and drowned and dead inside of this - this horrific messed up vessel.  I hate life becaue all it is is a battle that is not capable of being won." 

I sat down in lobby after class and just read my bible.  I know I wouldn't be bothered because I knew no one would have a desire to stop and talk to me.  And, I was right.  After I heard that people were singing in worship I realized that it had started and I should go find Aaron in there.  I did, but for some reason I decided to walk around in the lobby to the other doors to get to him instead of walking in front of a lot of people.  (Guess I just didn't want to be seen.). 

Well, I didn't expect to speak to anyone and definitely didn't expect anyone to speak to me.  But, for some reason, a friend of mine from down south, Ashley, actually saw me and instead of just waving, she walked up to me and asked how I was.  I literally couldn't get a word out.  My crushed soul was so broken that I had no words to speak.  I just felt tears rushing from our eyes.  She grabbed me and asked if she could pray for me.  I think I shook my head no, or maybe I just shrugged my shoulders as in meaning 'what good would that do'.  By this time my crumbling soul was making my body crumble.  Another lady came over and grabbed my arm.  They pulled me into a prayer room where another long time family friend, Cynthia, was already sitting with another woman.  I don't remember much.  I just remember them asking what was wrong.  

In words I don't remember I just expressed my hopelessness and self hatred.  And at my last word my body just gave out.  I just collapsed headfirst and doubled over into Cynthia's lap.  I cried so hard that it hurt every part of my body.  My tears were flooding my legs and I couldn't hardly catch my breath.  I was gasping for air while my body shook from my weeping.  It was almost as if each of the broken areas of my body were all moaning from the pain of the journey they faced.  My flesh was crying from not just the addiction but from all of the hardships it had been forced to bare.  My emotions were crying from imbalance.  My mind was crying from lack of clarity, and my soul was crying from the overpowering sadness.  I know their hands were on me and I know so many of them prayed over me, but I don't remember any of the words.  The pain that was so intense that it was drowning my body out of control.

After a long time my body just finally gave out from exhaustion.  By this time more people were in there including Aaron.  Someone had gone and grabbed a counselor and she was ready to talk to me.  We talked and she spoke words of encouragement.  Others spoke words or love and hope.  I slowly started to feel some glimmer of life come back into my soul.  It wasn't strong by any means but at least it wasn't pitch black like it had been all morning.

We went to lunch with one of the couples that were present in the prayer room, at their house, and it was nice to converse in a lighter setting.  They also opened up to us more intimately and that gave my soul a nibble of fuel.  I yearn for genuine relationship and openness and honesty.  I yearn for accountability and vulnerability.  There is nothing I love more than caring the pain of others so that they can feel some freedom and hope.

After that we headed home and I took a three hour nap.  I then stayed in bed for about another 3 hours watching movies:  the end of "Steal Magnolias" and "Tuesdays with Morrie".  I ate and surprisingly I didn't have a desire to over eat.  I was still drained from the day and was just sitting in limbo.  I don't know where to go from here.  I don't know how to tackle these insurmountable obstacles.  I don't know how it's possible to have the endurance to face all of these areas and basically become completely anew in every single area of my life.