I need a game plan. And, not only do I need it, but I need to be able to implement it. When these two things aren't getting accomplished my day is one big loss.
I know that I need to get up way earlier than the kids and fuel my body and soul. I would prefer to get up and walk for about 20 minutes to wake myself up and get some good endorphins flowing in my body. After that I should be awake enough to do some good bible reading (and not fall asleep doing so...a problem I've always had with reading). Then, I can get ready and be set for the day by the time I get the kids up. I think all of this would get me started on the right foot.
Here's the problem. My depression wants me to stay awake very late at night. The only comfort I get in depression is that of being alone and dead to the world. If I don't exist to the world, I don't have anyone to tell me how I'm messing up. There's peace in that aloneness. Then in depression it's hard to wake up to a day knowing that you have a full day ahead of you to fail, mess up, be embarrassed, get in trouble, disappoint, or be unlovable (on top of the fact that I stayed up super late in the peace of aloneness and now my body has only received a few hours of sleep).
So, I had a desire to wake up early this morning. I prayed God would help me, but He didn't this morning. Either that, or I got in the way and messed up waking up (more likely the truth). No matter what, it infuriated me. All of my plans were thrown out the window and there was no way to get back that important preparation time.
The day just got harder and harder and I just got more angry and just retreated more and more. And exhausted. I was so exhausted that I had zero patients with the kids.
For awhile the only thing good I had done for the day was to get out of bed and get dressed. I even did something very unusual for being depressed - I put make-up on and did my hair.
Then, God gave me hope. I called my sister. I had something on my heart that I really was unsettled about and wanted to talk to her about it. Over the last month there had been two times when I had gotten frustrated with a way in which she talked to me. It felt like I was being lectured to. I didn't know how to handle it, all I knew is that I was aware of how it made me feel. Well, that wasn't a good enough resolution to this situation in my spirit. So, I brought it up to her.
Man was this a hard talk but a good one. I told her honestly how it made me feel. Then, she told me honestly why she said what she said. Then, I told her honestly that I felt like she didn't see the whole picture in one are and that I felt like she didn't trust me. She helped me to see that she didn't feel like she could open up to me because she never knew how I would take something she said. Anyway, a lot of air was cleared up. Point-of-views were understood. And, at the core we both realized that we had communication techniques to work on. I need to of course keep working on my emotions and not let them run away from me. But I also need to be honest when something comes across a certain way and I would like to get clarity of the info. in order for it to come across how I would like to take it - as a loving thing instead of a hurtful thing.
As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I was thrown straight into photography class. It was a good class. Let me tell you thought that I had to fight off tears and fears and insecurities left and right. I sometimes feel stupid and like everyone can absorb this information and knowledge except me. How was I ever going to grasp this? And, if I can't grasp this then I can't take good pictures. And, if I can't take good pictures I can't make any money. And, if I can't make any money I can't help our family to ever get ahead financially. And, if we can't get ahead then we will either go into debt or my kids will never be able to participate in extracurricular activities or even be able to live in a house that is nice. Oh, I need this to work.
So, on the way home I came up with one game plan. I called and asked my mom to call me every morning for awhile when she got in her car to head to work. This way she could help ensure that I was out of bed and dressed to go for a walk and lead me to a good start to my days. I'll let you know what other game plans I figure out I need to in steal and how God allows them to play out.
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