Monday morning the only thing that nudged me enough to wake up was hearing the lyrics from a certain song on my radio alarm: by Mikeschair titled "Someone Worth Dying For"
Ate a good breakfast, but soon my stomach started to feel like my intestines had felt the night before. This made me VERY anxious and scared. It one point after I had just picked up our minivan from the transmission shop I felt so much pain that I almost felt like I could throw up. This terrified me because I didn't know if my throat was strong enough to endure that or if it would be too weak and tear from all of my purging action just 3 or so months ago.
Oh, yeah, and before I left my room to join my kids who were already awake I took the time to join a free Eating Disorders Support Group here in the Austin area. I happened to read an article they had listed on their Facebook sight about a young lady who had died from bulimia. She was only in her mid 20's but had suffered from bulimia for 10 years. In her sleep she had suffered from a heart attack due to all of the potassium and electrolyte imbalances that come along with binges and purges. I felt two conflicting feelings: 1) thankfulness because God had saved me from that obvious outcome 2) fear of me still being able to have a heart attack because of my continuing potassium problems.
I pretty much accomplished only two things for the entire day:
1) getting our minivan back from the shop
2) getting my supplements prepared for the rest of the week until I see my NRT
Went through two feelings with getting the car back. The first was complete embarrassment and insecurity about my neighbor (who helped keep the kids while her husband drove me to the car shop) seeing my house in complete shambles and chaos and, honestly, slop and junk. But, secondly, still feeling lovable and valuable when I asked her to pray for me and she said she already did every night. And, she told me that the house can't get all done at one time so just take it easy.
Right after that I walked straight to my room. I had just faced short but strong anxiety attacks because my health was not good all the way home from the shop. Now I had a slop of a house to fix and kids to raise and take care of, but all I could muster up the energy to do was lay on my bed. I picked up the phone to call my mom and cry. But, something inside of me stirred and told me and made me hang up the phone. I rolled out of bed and just laid on the floor and cried out to God. A just talked openly and honestly with God. I also once again begged and pleaded for my life on this earth. After that I wanted to sit up and grab my Bible, but suddenly stopped myself. I decided that I should just lay there completely still and try and listen for God. From the depths of my soul I wanted AUDIBLY HEAR GOD! Oh, I tried so hard to continuously clear my mind and hear him.
After about 10 minutes I gave up. I instead grabbed my Bible and opened it. I was elated, to say the least, when I opened up to Jeremiah 32:26 - 34:7
I did still have to confront depression from not being able to run to food, from not being able to have enough health to play with my kids (just sat around and watched a movie with them), from not having the energy to even start to clean up from after the trip, and from being trapped in a pain ridden body.
Inside I just felt like locking myself back in my room. But, I got pulled out of it enough to get to myself to my first informal photography class at UT (which I loved!)
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